Drove past H's parent's house on my way to my brother's house and guess who's car was there? Yup, OW's. I stopped immediately and went to the house and walked right inside the house and there they were all (meaning his mom, sister, OW and H) sitting on the couch just chatting away. OW's face was pretty priceless.
I just looked at my H and said, can I talk to you? So we went outside and talked for a while and he basically said all the same things he's said before about how his connection with OW will never be like his connection with me but he's still so confused. He just wanted to go to his therapy session tomorrow and lay it all out and get a 3rd party's perspective. He was really looking forward to it because he says he struggles everyday with what to do.
I said, you're already making the decision by continuing to hang out with her and your family. Why is it that when you're trying to figure things out that you have to have her around? You're just making it harder on yourself and harder on her. Maybe try finding your own happiness and finding yourself rather than trying to find it through someone else like you once said to me.
I don't know folks... I mean, really? How much longer can I put up with this? It got so bad during the conversation that I actually FAINTED!! Yup, totally lost it and was completely out of it.
I sat there on his lawn thinking, I have no where to go. He gets to walk right back inside and has OW to comfort him and make him feel better along with his family and I have NO ONE!! The worst feeling in the whole world. The one person I just want to comfort me and be on my side was standing right in front of me saying... I don't know what to say.
More and more I'm seeing a different side to him than I've ever seen. How can I want to be with someone who could care less about what I do? He doesn't appreciate me. His connection is so strong with OW (or so he thinks) and I am not going to compete with that.
I have so much more dignity in myself than I ever did before and although it makes me sick to my stomach to end things. I'm really feeling like we will not progress into anything while he's cake eating and I'm allowing it. OW is not going anywhere and I am the backup. I cannot accept that in a M and will not accept it. I know without a doubt that I will be gone and he will regret all of these decisions he's making. The fact that he's been questioning his decision to continue with her just proves that. But at this point, time for me to move on... it's getting old.
Really having some major thoughts of just filing. There's only so much of this that I can take after he repeatedly tells me that he just wants his family back together. I do not feel bad about going to his house tonight. Their behavior is sooooo inappropriate.
Getting caught up here.
jks. remember feeling change, your H's have change about the M. I understand your hurting about the situation stated above. Sorry you had to see that frist hand. I can only image the pain it caused you.
He actions are telling you a lot. I know the two of you have a history together. We all have history with our spouses. Letting go of that R is very difficult.
If you were currently dating someone for a month or two and they were doing the same thing, how would you respond?
I won't speak for you but I would drop someone like that so fast.
One of the best pieces of advice I received from the boards here was: Find someone who want to be with you.
I also think some truth darts need to be thrown at your H.
I agree with the poster who said that D is just a piece a paper. Much like a M certificate.
Filing for D in is the untimate boundary enforcement.
I wouldnt go to any more C sessions with him while OW is in the picture. Take care of yourself, build your self esteem and live forward. IF/When your H ever gets his head of of his arse, you will be healthy mentally to make a decision. You may find that he is not worth your time anymore.
Remember, you get to decide how you live your life. gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
if they were only dating a few months, she would not be here on divorce busting.
This cannot be compared to a r without history OR one without children.
It defies the premise of this site to do so.
We're trying to save marriages and or ourselves. That does not apply to a "relationship" that began 3 weeks ago. And she's not alone in this situation. She has children and the father of those children to think about.
I'm NOT telling you what to do, legally. YES I wish you could put a new spin on your timeline. I wish you could give yourself a year or 6 months of reduced contact with him (for your protection)
and for your focus to be on the things that you know need changing from within you. I'd hope that TIME would relax you and give you some perspective, as it would do for him.
If no contact (or a lot less) helps you to function, then so be it. Been there, done that. It might take some pressure off you in the sense that you feel you "must choose NOW"...b/c you won't have to if he's not around you as much. You can relax and GAL...
and keep on working on yourself.
Great, did you read her very first post? This man isn't some serial cheater or abusive guy. According to JKS, "he did everything" and she was depressed and emotional and had a temper.
SHE did need to make some changes for a long time (longer than what he has put her through, I might add)
JKS put him through the ringer. He was there for her until he no longer could be. JKS I do NOT say that as a 2 x 4. Not to hurt you or make you feel worse but as a reminder that he waited for things to improve a lot longer than this garbage has been going on.
Maybe you ought to factor that timeline in too. Maybe. Your sitch is a painful one but to me, it seems only fair. His sitch while married to you was not painless.
That does not mean you must stay married. Doesn't mean anything else, but don't believe for a minute that filing for and getting a divorce
won't change your relationship forever.
I don't think it's just a piece of paper, anymore than a marriage certificate is a recycled piece of tree bark...
Yes I have relatives who remarried their former spouses. It can happen. But they still had to make changes within. They detached and I doubt they expected to reconcile for some years, before they did. Why not focus on becoming the woman you always wanted to become? I can tell it is happening for the most part. No decision needed by close of business today.
Sure, sometimes we backslide but hopefully those days get rarer and with more time between. Yours seem to be. When you do see your h, when you have to, use those interactions as opportunities to show the new you, NOT as chances to challenge his choices, which only forces him to defend them. I truly believe if he trusted your changes, that they'd last and that things would not revert to what there was before, he'd return.
His fear is that the marriage will become what it was before and by your own admission "he did everything". Is his fear really so unreasonable? .
If he really isn't the man for you any longer, you will know. And I don't mean to minimize your pain at all. I really don't. Hence lessening contact w/him.
(I say that b/c of the changes you see in him now, But since he's changing now too, I don't know that much of it is permanent. You know what I mean? Aren't you both in transition? IF his changes for the worse, are permanent, then so be it.
Time reveals a lot. Take a breath, be in the present, & really do your best.
If you do that^^, then you can leave the results up to God...and you'll be alright.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25... I want you to know I am getting this loud and clear. Probably one of the most powerful and true posts that has ever been aimed towards me directly. I will be holding on to this one and I agree with EVERYTHING you said.
Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I am picking myself up again and I'm going to continue on with my changes. They are only making me love myself more. And that really is one of the best feelings in the world.
Something that I've noticed about myself... I never really liked just being alone because I felt like I hated myself so much that all I could think about was how awful I felt just to be with myself and no one else around... does this make sense? I don't feel that way anymore. I have no problem being alone. I enjoy it, actually. There are definitely times of wanting some companionship and to be close to someone like I was with my H but for the most part, it really doesn't bother me.
I'm a pretty cool girl and I have a lot of talents that I know my H or any other man could very easily love. I know this is going to take time and the answers will come when they were meant to come. I know that God will take care of me as long as I continue to do what's right. This is my comfort.
I did fall off track but I'm noticing more and more that I get back on a lot faster now. I do not sit and wallow anymore. I live my life.
Thank you, 25!!!!
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
It's easier for me to post to you in some ways, b/c I relate to a lot of what you felt about yourself before.
I had a marital scorecard and MINE was pretty self serving. And long...But I rationalize my point of view and arguments really really well. Heck, I do it for a living as a L.
So I had to learn to check myself thoroughly, on so much, just to make sure I was being fair to h and to me. That I wasn't justifying or disguising punitive actions b/c of my wounded ego and MY perception of justice and appointing myself jury and judge and executioner... I'm a better woman for it, no matter what else happens. That's HUGE NET GAIN, to put it crassly.
You're finding the same value in personal growth and I commend you for doing that and bravely digging deep and trying to learn how to forgive, to forgive him and to forgive yourself.
To try and let go of the anger that can seem like a security blanket (one of self righteousness though).
Forgiving, it's a learned skill, I swear. Takes practice. Like learning to be in the present, which really helps it all begin.
Remember those words "from this day forward"? They are in the vows for a reason though I never truly noticed that until a few years ago.
Carry on...This is not eternal or fatal. Model that knowledge for your kids. Know that You'll get to the other side of this and feel a lot better. I know this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm glad to hear you get back on a lot faster. It happens. You experience so much trauma that when you go through it again your mind knows how to calm itself down.
I hope you're doing better today
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
if they were only dating a few months, she would not be here on divorce busting.
This cannot be compared to a r without history OR one without children.
I was simply giving her a different perspective. I am not suggesting she goes out and dates. (That's been debating here long ago). I am suggesting jks finds herself, feels good about the person she is and know what she wants in a R.
It would be great if every here saved their M. It's the common goal and why people are here.
No one has control over their spouses decisions or feelings.
I think when newbies come here they blame themselves and are way too hard themselves. Yes we make/made mistakes. So did our partners.
I wont post on this thread anymore.
jks, take of yourself, first and foremost. Heal and grow. gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
25... I am picking myself up again and I'm going to continue on with my changes. They are only making me love myself more. And that really is one of the best feelings in the world.
I did fall off track but I'm noticing more and more that I get back on a lot faster now. I do not sit and wallow anymore. I live my life.
Good for you J. Remember this because their will be more times where you fall off course and that is ok.
gr8, I have always appreciated your advice and perspective. It is always more than welcome. I'm sorry that you feel it wasn't appreciated.
Hope to hear from you again...
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
jks after your reply it made me think. You werent the one who was upset with what I wrote. Until you ask me not to post on your thread, I will offer my 2 cents when I can.
I seen many different approaches work over the past 3 years.
FWIW, it wasn't until my W(at the time) found out I was dating that made her rethink her decision. I think people here should know the truth about what works and what doesn't. The more knowledge one has about saving their M the better.
If a M isn't saved, wouldn't it set peace in the LBS's mind knowing they tried everything to save their M?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
gr8, I always look at your posts as another view to be considered. If it is challenged, I see that as a positive as well. Just more things to think about.
And I totally get where you're coming from...
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
