How many licks does it take...?

[hopeless in wa]

that's pretty deep for Barney!!!!

[jks]

Interesting session with the T. I haven't read your whole sitch but sounds like you're starting to get a hold of things. Such a hard place to be and at the same time, so freeing...

[2thepoint]

As mentioned in a previous post, W asked me if I would show her how to maintain the pool. I had decided to stop maintaining the pool and other domestic chores around the house because a) I no longer live there and b) I am tired of propping up my W in these matters.

Earlier in the week we had arranged via text message a time for me to hold my pool maintenance seminar. The pertinent portion of the text reads as follows:

Me - can we do the pool seminar tomorrow afternoon?
W - ok, after 6
W - 5

So I show up after 6pm (which in my book is also after 5pm) and tell my W I'm ready to walk her through the pool maintenance process and she says she can't because she is going to the gym. I said "we had agreed to do this today" and she says "I told you I was going to the gym at 6:30." I said, "we never talked about that" and was reaching for my phone to show her the text. She said, "yes we did." With that I remembered that I was dealing with an alien who has no sense of time or commitment and put my phone back in the holster. Huge 180 for me!!

I then told her that we have 10 minutes before she leaves and if she wants a crash course on pool maintenance, she needed to come outside right now. She complied and I did my best to teach her the basics. I know I'll need to go through this again because her mind was clearly elsewhere.

Later in the week, W sends me a text stating "I can't maintain the lawn/landscaping and will need to hire someone to do it unless it is something you can do."

This is one of those domestic chores that I had stopped doing. Now it appears that my W is starting to discover that crap around the house doesn't just miraculously get done. That someone has to be responsible for making it happen and she once again comes to me.

I'm happy to maintain the grass and the pool. In fact I get enjoyment out of it. But, at the same time, I don't get to enjoy either once the work is done because I don't live at the house.

Where I'm a little conflicted is that I have been working hard to stop inserting myself and my actions where they were not wanted. I stopped keeping up the interior of the house, because whenever I did something as innocuous as cleaning off the kitchen counter, my W would interpret that as me somehow sending her the message that I thought she was lazy.

Now that I've stopped the yard work, W seems to need my help. Since she is asking as opposed to me assuming she needs the help, I kind of feel like I should step in. I also don't like spending money unnecessarily on things that I am capable of doing myself.

Is that rescuing or simply fulfilling a request?

=========================

The other day I was talking to a friend about various things and the topic came up about my feeling of loneliness and my need to feel loved again. Anyway, without going into detail, the tears began to flow like they hadn't in months! I thought I was over this crap of a sitch. I know that I had finally figured out how to detach in a way I hadn't before. And I was starting to feel good about myself and my future. But it is amazing how deeply wounded we are by the actions of our WAS.

I hope to get past this and I hope to be able to one day feel loved again.

[BklynMom]

Really tough call on whether to help out around the house I would love to say dont help let her pay for it but I think in some ways that would be rash.

hmmm...

[jbnati]

I knew I just had to post to you, 2tp, because you used my favorite smiley () with your thread and I love your thread title.

Unless I'm missing something, you don't live at the house and your W wants to know if you can maintain the yard and pool? I'm thinking , "NO". She has to miss you and it seems to me like it may be enabling. Please forgive me if I missed something.

Be well, 2tp.

[RoRoinMD]

Hey 2TP! I totally understand how you were feeling when you were talking to your friend. I'm hoping you're feeling better and please know that there is someone out there looking to love someone just like you want someone to love you.

I'm torn on the lawn thing. Was she texting you to let you know that she wanted you to pay to hire someone to do it? Or just letting you know "she" couldn't do it, and would hire someone?

[ces67]

What's your gut telling you about the hardwork? How does it make you feel about yourself to step in and do the work? At any point will struggle with the feeling that your W is cake-eating or will you enjoy the opportunity?

No strong leaning either way with me but don't do something that will twist you in knots later on.

[sayitaintso]

I have read you since day 1 Pac and IMO I would not oblige. It seems enabling or rescuing to me and it seems you have got to a further phase of detachment lately. I think if you begin to do these things you will be subject to be sucked back into the vortex.

And where will it end? If you do these things then do you think she will ask you to do others? Where is your boundary? What are your limits? I feel she is cake eating and needs to deal with some reality of you not being able to take care of things for her.

I can also see the other perspective.

Whatever you do, I got your back!!

[2chiquitos]

about the crying, I completely understand. You need to learn to parent yourself. Let's say you were single by choice. Are you going to go look for someone to love you? No, the healthy thing to do is to love yourself. I found that keeping in touch with friends fills my cup of love I've made it clear that I need only support and no criticism as to how I'm handling my sitch. AND since my bdays coming up I have schedule bday celebrations iwth people individually

How can friends and family fill your LLs??

Oh n if she never appreciated your acts of service, if that's not her LL and she's asking you cuz she'd rather not pay, then NO don't do it. Have her hire someone or do it herself

[workinghardguy]

Her house, her pool, her yard, her problem.

I know it's tempting 2TP. Originally when my W asked me to do something I'd do it. She was asking after all, not demanding and I wasn't even tossing myself in.

It allowed a connection, it allowed us to be "together" in some way, and it allowed me to feel useful to her.

But after a bit of that I realized I was just the patsy. I was fixing her stuff, installing stuff, etc... but that's because I was safe and convenient.

Since I stopped she's found a new person to that. It's not romantic or maybe it is and I'm just bad at reading signals. But the point is she found a way. She's also gotten better at being handy and doing things herself.

This doesn't mean that we don't do the occasional favor for each other, but it's not a habit nor an expectation. She stopped over and let the dog out a few weeks back for me. I dropped a movie by on my way through town a couple days ago.

As far as the crying... it still is going to hurt. Three to five years to really get over the hurt. I know I don't really feel the hurt from my very first marriage anymore so it does pass... though that was 14 years ago now!

I too felt like I was really doing well until I got home from being gone for 10 days. Of all things, I found a red onion that had gone bad in my pantry, leaked on the floor, and stunk up the whole house. That's what brought on the tears... a stupid onion. But it's because it brought home just how empty the house was all that time.

Oops... kids are here, gotta go!