Ok, update - Scaredsilly, you will like this a lot!
I just had a grand opportunity to validate just now.
My H called when he arrived back home. I wasn't expecting that. We chatted a bit about bills that arrived and other little practical things that needed taking care of.
Then he asked me how I was. I said I was fine. I asked him, and he went quiet. I could hear him cry, and my heart just opened up to him and I stayed quiet out of respect. He finally managed to say he felt sad and he missed everyone.
He said that if he comes back to me and the same complaints start happening, that he will just kick himself hard for being such a fool, but if he breaks it off and goes away that he will also kick himself for not trying again.
I said that I know I have work to do still, and that I am trying and doing my best. I validated him that I have not been perfect in my delivery of my complaints and he has every right to be angry and upset. I agreed with him that I was not a good communicator, and that I was sorry for that. That I hear him loud and clear that he just cannot take my outbursts. I said again that I am working on that and I know that I have more work to do, and will continue to work on myself.
He said that I was good on the phone call front up until I moved to my new place and then after that some of my phone calls to him were negative and difficult. I said I agree that I made some bad calls, and once again, I am sorry and working hard on that. I asked how many calls - and he said 4 were difficult. I said, OK, that for the next 3 months I promise not to call him with negative/difficult messages and that it is a goal I can work towards. He said it was the unpredictability of the phone calls more than anything. Yes, that I can do that as a promise to him so that he can relax and he can expect only positive phone calls from me.
He liked that idea.
It was then that I realised that I can set these kinds of benchmarks and I like these types of goals. It's concrete and doable, and I can feel I will achieve something solid.
We then talked about other little things, and then the phone started running out of juice so we had to hang up.
It makes me think that maybe what he was doing here was testing me. Maybe he was pushing all my buttons to see when/if I would crack and have an outburst beyond all proportions. The thought did cross my mind briefly. I also remember my mother's sage advice that no matter what happens, she said, don't have an outburst. No matter what, she said, don't shout. She said to me, "He will try to get you to react. Just don't do it. Don't give him a leg to stand on."
And you know what, as frustrated, as exasperated and as angry as I felt, I did not once shout. NOT ONCE!! My emotions were running high these last two 'talk only' days, and what I found I did was go REALLY quiet and usually cry because the energy was so intense at times. I have never been the kind to walk away anyway, so that is not an issue with me. It was an interesting development.
