Copied: If She Won't Stop the Affair?

[wont_stop]

I've posted this in the Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy board at If She Won't Stop the Affair? . I was told by Veroprado that this forum would be more trafficked, so I am posting this here.

I'm at a crossroads I never thought I would come to in my life. My wife is in a physical and emotional affair with a co-worker. She has said she will not stop seeing him, but she is not sure about a future with him. She wants me to stay until she is sure she know what she wants. I almost started the divorce process, but could not go through with it as I don't feel ready. She is still in a torrid affair with him, and I don't know what to do as we have two children. This is the hardest point in my life.

I should go back and explain our situation. WW and I were married 14 years ago. We were in love and had 2 children in that time. I got layed off five years ago and had to work longer hours. She and I fought more often and dos not get along as well, but we were happy a lot of times as well.

Then last year, she had to move her work location to a two hour commute. She would have to get up at 5 am to make her car pool and felt she might have to quit her job. She became very depressed and would stay in bed late. I would keep the kids busy and hold her, telling her there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

This year, she finally perked up. She got used to the commute and became very happy. She was able to work from home three days a week. She would chatter incessantly every day she was home. After a while she appeared too happy.

I started to get worried. I asked her about drugs, but she claimed it was her new vitamins. When I was running the phone bill, I noticed a lot of calls to a coworker. She claimed they were working on an important project.

Then came her conference to Florida. She was chosen to go for a week. I asked if her coworker was going as well, but she said he could not make it. So I watched the kids while she went to the conference.

When she got back, she was calling the OM every day. She was coming home late. I caught her on the phone with him that Wednesday and she tried to hide it. Finally, on Friday, I checked her e-mail. It was D-day, 5/18/2012. They had been together on multiple dates and they planned on the conference. He bought his own tickets and flew there. She loved the view from thier balcony. I was devastated.

That night I confronted her. She denied, then confirmed an emotional affair. She denied a physical one.

Over the next six weeks it was crazy time. I checked her phone and hired detectives. I uncovered the physical affair. We went to marriage counseling together. At one point it appeared they would end it, but she came back to him. At our forth MC, I asked if she would agree to NC. She said no.

I then set up mediation to start the S. She asked me to cancel it, that we did not need to. I went back and forth, and in the end I could not do it. I cancelled the night before.

It seemed to help at first. She told the OM that they had no future. He sent her sweet nothings, she melted again and now will keep seeing him.

If I wait, is there any hope? Can I 180 her, or must we be in R? I don't want a D, but I don't think I can do this for long. I think her heart is gone.

[Cadet]

Sorry you are not getting any responses on this board.

It appears that Starsky is giving you good advice over there.

Besides boundaries what are you doing YOU WS?

You are the only one that you can control in this mess.

DB'ing is about making changes in yourself so that you can have a better relationship.

I hope the traffic here starts posting to you.

This will bump you up and lets hope so.

Also a suggestion for everyone reading.

One way to get more posts on your thread is to post on other peoples threads.
Even if you have no advice, the fact that you are their and supporting one another really can help.

Keep us POSTED

[Broken74]

Hey wont_stop,

Just wanted to say I feel your pain your my friend. I caught my W on a dating site and found an account exchanging pictures, planning weekend getaways after she tricked me out of the house I built for her and my stepkids under the guise of us "taking some time".

I know it feels hopeless at times, but given she is openly saying she doesn't know what she wants I think that bodes well in your favor. By my own admission I flail with the DB principles. I see 25 and Starsky and Cadet here are providing you advice, they are very wise so listen to them and apply. Listening is easy make sure not to botch the application like I have. My advice to you is to read DR and absorb the 37 rules and apply them.

I know you probably feel you are the only one going through this, I used to feel that way. Trust me in that you're not and it does get better in time.

Keep your chin up and make yourself a man only a fool would leave!

[LostIn407]

It will be the hardest thing to do, but you have to give her the space. She is refusing no contact, so give her space. If you pursue, judge, attack, you will just push her closer to OM.

I am not going to sugar coat it. When you give her the space, she is going to go to him more. Crappy part is that she is going to go to him anyways.

Let the rope go. It will flip the switch on the A from escape to relationship. I would say from experience that this is the key. It is only after you let them go will they begin to see what they are losing.

[Harrier]

It will be the hardest thing to do, but you have to give her the space. She is refusing no contact, so give her space. If you pursue, judge, attack, you will just push her closer to OM.

I am not going to sugar coat it. When you give her the space, she is going to go to him more. Crappy part is that she is going to go to him anyways.

Let the rope go. It will flip the switch on the A from escape to relationship. I would say from experience that this is the key. It is only after you let them go will they begin to see what they are losing.

Or not. My dad married the OW and is still married to her. So yeah, sometimes they don't come back.

So the point is about how long are you going to let her emotionally abuse you like this. How does the poster like being her backup plan?

[25yearsmlc]

Harrier

WS wants to save his m. I think you'd agree that

Dropping the rope does Not hurt his cause.

IT's probably his best chance at saving it.

Why? B/c though you point out the obvious possibility she won't come back, that can happen no matter what he does. She may believe she has found her "soul mate" and all that.

But she SAYS she knows she and OM can only go so far, so at least she's not yet telling the world about how great a couple they'd make.

But sure, she might choose OM and stay with him forever...no matter what WS does.

I get it. WS gets it.

IF we KNEW that would be her choice,

then the best advice would be for him to GAL and protect his financial interests, correct?

But we do NOT KNOW.

All we "Know" is"

1) what she says, which is that she's unsure of what choice to make. (To me that means WS has not showed change to her.)

2) WS still wants to work it out.

3) WS agrees he has some work to do on himself anyhow (on the other thread it was discussed).


All I'm saying is for him to LET HER GO, work on himself and do nothing legally

(other than what might be needed to protect assets).

If WS gets to that position, by all means he should do something to protect himself and the kids.

But if I understand things right now, he's NOT in that position yet.

And
WHen she has room to breathe and LOOK at her choices, at least she won't feel cornered.

As long as he challenges her choices, she'll defend them.

She'll want to be right as long as he's telling her she's wrong.

That just cements her choices.

She needs, somehow, to get to a place where she can really examine the damage she's doing WITHOUT HER H being the one pointing it out.

And she has to see losing h as a real possibility, AND that she does not want to lose him.


if WS drops the rope and applies "the rules"

then MAYBE the affair will run its' course.

Maybe she'll see that the grass is greener where it gets watered-i.e., where it gets the most attention...

and or,

b/c of his personal growth, digging deep, doing the inner work & changes WS needs to make in himself,

she may see him as more appealing, AND

that she does not want to lose him.

WS, you do understand that your w won't want to return to the same marriage you two had, right?

Even though there will come a time when she must regain your trust, that's not where you are yet. Not now. She isn't ready to hear all that.


She must believe marriage to you will be better/different than before.

You must demonstrate that, by becoming a man only a fool would leave.


WS, you have to be able to pull this off. No bluffing here.

You must show her that she's leaving a man who is a great catch. Be a great catch.

Women are attracted to strong men who are in charge of their emotions, without being in charge of other's actions.

No woman is unmoved by loving interactions with her children and their father. Be the best most involved dad you can be now.

Not as a tactic but as a permanent change that benefits the kids, and you and the family as a whole.

Though it's not supposed to be a tactic, the reality is that for many women it's an emotional turn on.

I think the reasons DB advises against ultimatums (did you finally get and read the DB books?)

is b/c they rarely work, and often the answer demanded of the WAS, ends up being that they choose OP and leave the marriage.

AND I don't believe all of them were going to do that anyway, before the ultimatum.

2 Decades ago I almost had an affair and it would have meant leaving my marriage.

I don't want to go into too much detail here about it b/c it'll derail your thread and suddenly be about me. My point is this.

At the time, I felt justified in having an affair. I rationalized it.

Our lives were very stressful b/c of choices my h made, and we had two small kids. H was never home, and it did not seem that our lives were going to improve anytime soon.

I only veered away from having an affair b/c of a great minister & some great people I shared my dilemma with.

They helped me see the future IF I carried on.

Of all people, my DAD said something really powerful--

"25, so let's say you have an affair. Do you think you'd have a purely physical affair that does not threaten the m? I don't think you can. Most women can't have r's that are purely physical.

I think you'll get emotionally involved as you go along,

& you'll believe you 'love' OM.

So at some point, you'll be at a crossroads and must make a choice=

and someone will get hurt...

Can you imagine what your kids reaction will be, when you tell them you are leaving their dad?

Can you imagine your h's response?"

(Later he also discussed the moral implications for me But at the time I needed to hear ^^^^, and it helped.)

The thought and image of them crying b/c of ME, broke my heart.

If my h had found out and tried to corner me into any type of choice, or tried to shame me, I probably would have divorced my h. Why?

Because I felt justified in having an A!!

B/C I felt h had pushed me into OM's arms

AND b/c there didn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel for me...

I would not have allowed h to shame me, b/c again, at the time, I felt it was HIS fault...

it was by me really thinking it all out, the foreseeable consequences of my various choices, and their costs, that gave me such pause.

And then perhaps intuitively, h sensed something was amiss b/c he did manage to become more attentive with some perfectly timed gestures. That helped a lot at the time.

By my having the space to figure it out, by h changing & becoming more attentive, our m improved. A huge crisis was averted, or at least did not do permanent damage.


Point is also, we all rationalize our choices.

Don't forget that your w feels that she has the right to be happy, which we all believe at some level. AND

She thinks she can't be as happy with you.

So, what do you believe arguing with her about it will achieve?

I'm not saying "be a doormat".

I am saying drop the rope and apply the rules.

If you believe filing for divorce is the answer b/c you want your pain to end,

newsflash..

Filing for divorce does NOT lessen your pain.


What does?

GAL can. Changing yourself from within and lifting your self esteem from within, will lessen your pain AND set a good example for your kids. And it'll make you more appealing as a choice of mate.

Do you understand what we mean by saying "Drop the Rope"?

The rules don't work unless you do them...seems obvious but it bears repeating.

You have to work this program for this program to work.

Good luck & hang in there.

[LostIn407]

It is important to do everything you can to keep your W with you working on the R.

However, if it is apparent that your W is deadset on going down that path, then if you think you can forgive here, you have to let her. She is going regardless. Don't push her by giving demands or deadlines unless you are ready to back them up.

What is the real issue here in your eyes? Is it her desire to be with the OM or her want of freedom/time away from the M? I thought my W had to decide between A) ME or B) OM. It was actually C) Space. If I would have said drop the OM and come back to me or we get a D, we would have gotten a D and she would have probably dropped OM anyways.

[wont_stop]

I've moved to this forum for my responses.

The trouble I have is I am an emotional person who has strong reactions to situations. I feel fully through and through, so I'm having to learn to control my emotions more. This will be very difficult for me, as I have already demonstrated.

Also, I had no idea how to handle an affair. I made mistakes because I thought I had to be tough on WW. I should show her that if she intends to go on with the A that I should be willing to leave her. I had no idea about divorce busting or any other clue about infidelity. I've been learning on the fly as best I can.

I did not react last evening to my WW coming home at 11pm, which was tough. I even went downstairs and talked with her about things without showing any anger or tears. I was calm and talked casually, then went to bed.

It just takes time to get used to trying to let it go. Thanks for the support, which makes this easier.

[wont_stop]

Well, the hardest part is the feeling she is just using me to be the plan B guy as Starsky mentioned in the thread on the infidelity forum.

I've done alright in DBing these last few days. Went out last evening to some friends to do some gaming. Got the WW to watch the kids, but she did not pick them up til 9pm from her mother's place. Wonder why she was so late.

Today was wierd. She went out in the morning until 1:30, and I said nothing. Then we took the kids to the pool. We swam and ended up in the jacuzzi. We hugged and I even got a kiss, but I get the "best friends" line. I'm thinking guilt, not love.

This evening we went out to the local town center to hear a concert with the kids. The WW planned on going out dancing tonight as payback for me going out the night before. She also tried to convince us to stay home instead of the concert. I insist because I want to spend time with the kids with or without her. She says fine, but she will meet me there. So I go, feed the kids, and enjoy the music. She calls 30 min later to let us know where she is at. I take the kids through the crowd over, and who do I run into, but the OM! I play cool and ignore him, passing right by him as if he is just another person in my way. I have the kids with me, so I don't want any scene, though I might have done the same without her. I go to WW and act as if nothing happens.

So she is all affectionate, putting arm around me. We stay until ten, then she starts looking at her watch. She starts to rush us and says she has to go. So she leaves and I take the kids back. Just her guilt again.

So I did not lose it. But she keeps using me and playing family with us. But she gives her passion, romance, and sex to the OM. It will be hard to forgive all this crap if she comes back. I feel she is just gonna keep using me as she said she is not ready to choose, which she brought up. But it is ok if I am ready to leave her. Sounds like she is making me resposible for any S. Its her affair, so I know it is her fault.

thnks for the support.

[wont_stop]

Well last week was a hell week, after the trip. She was off with him all week and she kept coming home late. But I'm doing my best to let go, I have not ranted nor lost my temper, but it is not easy. I'm trying to decide if I want to put up with this crap any more, but I'm keeping it to myself. I'm doing DB with her best I can.

There was a ray of sun this week. She and her OM had an argument about some tickets he was getting for her to see a show with the kids. I was not to be invited. But, it turns out that when she told the kids, they demanded I be included, or they would not go. I had no part in this, this all happened behind my back. So she had to get his ticket back for me. She has not said it, but I think she was going to introduce the OM to the kids. I can't prove it though, she may just wanted to see if she could handle them at an event by herself.

Last night she told me not to give up on her yet. But I don't know if that will last, so I did not get too enthusiastic. We had dinner with her mother and watched a movie "Mama Mia" with the kids. Yet, in the morning I saw the sign that they will be together, she put on her high shoes and left talcom powder on the floor. He is taller than me, and she only started doing that when she started seeing him. So I guess she will get make up sex, while I work.

She works for the government, but they don't monitor her much. So they can go off for a long lunch. That is how they started. She told me about him the other night, how he had been asking her to go to his apartment for years. He was always holding a torch for her. I guess I am the one to get burned.

At least she is not skipping out on the kids as she has been last week. On Saturday she left in the morning and did not come back until 2pm. She spent the afternoon and evening with us, but went out at 10:30 to dance, and did not return until 4am. I took the kids to church on Sunday for the first time in years. I'm getting my own life now. We were out until noon, when the wife called. She reminded my of a birthday party my son was invited to. It was at a dance studio and I asked her to come along, but she declined. I did not lose my temper, I just said fine, I will take them.

After the party, she called to say we should all go to the pool. I could hear the OM in the background. We went to our town center afterwards, and she was trying to text him, while we were there, while I was not looking. I walked up to her and told her I could no longer tolerate her texting him while we were out as a family. She was upset, but she went to the bathroom, I guess to continue. Then she stayed off the phone for the rest of the evening.

I'm doing the best that I can with this, but as you can see, its really hard. At least I'm starting to get my own life, going out with friends, going to church. It does really help me feel more "normal".