It begins around the time of the birth of my son, 2005-early 2006, I think I was battling post partum depression but I think I recall starting to come out of it, I was keenly aware of all the changes my pregnancy had put my body through but again I recall feeling as though things were getting better, about 6 months after that my bad knee finally gave out so surgery was required, as a result (mistake) I was paralyzed from the knee down from nerve damage, back down into depression I go. Physical therapy etc... helped but I’m still not at 100% (back pain and neuropathy in my foot). Within the next 6 months after that I elected to have a hormone based IUD, hoping against hope the ability to be spontaneous would help our sex life. I recall with a Technicolor memory the medical assistant taking my vitals asking if I could be pregnant and I broke down crying saying you have to have sex to get pregnant and we are not having sex. Yes still in a depression and now I have a hormone based IUD. Since that time our sex life never improved and I knew it was me, absolutely zero libido. After therapy and many Dr.s visits, yes I was still suffering from depression but every other thing check was normal for me, I developed HBP as a result of my pregnancy (my assumption without being corrected by Drs and hypothyroidism, well managed). The only abnormality found was low vitamin D. Status Quo very little sex and at a loss as to what to do. So now I’m on meds for HBP, thyroid, hormone based BC and depression. My husband expressed the pain our lack of intimacy caused (not just the physical part either) but I was stuck, depressed, lazy, stressed, fat, almost house bound, not being the best mother and certainly not being the best wife I could be. I continued to go to drs, came off depressions med to see if that would help all without success. We still talked kissed hello and goodbye, said I love you several times daily. As he pulled further and further away and harder to reach out to. Years tick by and circumstances become excuses...
I felt every time I thought I might initiate sex he sensed it and complained, no confirmation on that just my perception. I never said anything.
August 2010 he has his gall bladder. Needed recovery time, convenient excuse.
January 2011 He blew out his knee skiing... H says things really took a turn for him around this time, he mentioned MLC when I initially found out a year later but it hasn't come up again.
April-May 2011 my birth control is due to be replaced. Scheduled for June. Cancelled due to my grandmother passing. Rescheduled for October 2011
June 2011, my grandmother passes away. The last few months of 2011 I noticed a definite change in attitude from my husband. October 2011 he comes to me and says you need to get out of the house do something go to the park with our son, staying inside the way that you do is not healthy (FYI, I telecommute and I know).
October 2011 replace birth control.
November 2011 he goes to his HS reunion alone.
December 2011 H somehow works some magic and “I” decide that, yes it’s a great idea if we spend the holiday season with our great/wonderful friends that live an hour north of us, our son loves to be around their 2 daughters, we all always have a great time together. While there H and I had a huge fight, I (well all the adults) had been drinking. I don’t recall a lot of what I said, I understand it was vicious, I do remember saying to my husband I miss you and I want you back in my life which I repeated the next morning. We had tense words and although I wanted to leave I was convinced that for the sake of our son’s happiness we should stay and we did. During the next week I became more aware of the “crush” he had developed on our mutual friend over the past few months, yes the wife in the family we were visiting. I was not concerned because I KNEW he wouldn’t act on it and if he did, I KNEW my friend, one of my closest friends, would shut him down. Somehow it was agreed that they should come to our place and stay for the week of New Years. New Years Eve, the last night I received a true heartfelt kiss and I believed the “I love you" he said to me.
January 2012, 2nd Grandmother passes away. We fought about our situation, I asked if we could meet with someone to help us, all he could say was, I already have an appointment with a psychiatrist, I want to talk to him first. We surprise his parents with a quick visit to see them, his father’s 75 birthday, it was noted by them we were having problems, he spent a lot of time on the phone in the basement of his parents home. Naively I assumed it was business.
January 26 2012, I meet with my therapist, new one, for the first time, explain what is going on, mentioned the crush.
January 27 2012, He meets with his Psychiatrist and then lets me in on the information he’s been holding back from me. This would be the Bomb. Because now had more confidence that he wasn’t the bad guy, basically the Doc said I would have left her a long time ago. My closest friend and my husband were having an emotional affair, well on their way to having a physical affair, by all accounts there wasn’t any sex but is was heading that way, that is the extent of my knowledge on the situation. Now my brain starts to understand the drastic change over the past 6 months or so and my heart is broken beyond repair. I have never experienced a pain and feeling like that. I couldn't stop crying, there was a lump in my throat and pressure on chest for months.
This had been going on since Aug/Sept time frame, all the decisions to go visit them or spend time with them had to be mine, the sudden withdrawal from the status quo and hiding in the basement while we were at his parents to speak on the phone for long periods of time to the OW. The full on bitterness from him… Why tell me now you ask, her husband found out and confronted mine, said if my H didn’t tell me he would.
I’m reeling, suffocating, shattered, devastated. Begging to try again, I know what I’ve done, I’m sorry for my part. I asked if he loved me, he said “I love you as the mother of my son, but I don’t have love for you in any other way”
I’m angry, how could H do this, how could she do this at all, how could H do this to her husband, his good friend. What the hell were they thinking? Did you ever stop to consider our mutual children, even just once say we can’t do this, we have to fix our individual marriages because our children and our families are more important? Did you ever stop to consider the spouses, our children, the lives we had created? We were all friends, very good friends, people we had known for years, we watched their children grow up, and we even agreed that if we or they were “gone” we would care for the other’s children and intended to set that up legally. What about all the other people this hurts, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
So, it’s over or so they say. February 2012, now we are in couples counseling and I am in individual counseling it took him a long time to find an IC, my suspicion is that he felt he didn’t need it but had to make sure he checked all the boxes before he left, to assuage any guilt Then a cell phone number is found, I call, the phone is only for my H to call, the message says “Hello to the most devastatingly handsome, perfect fit for me, light of my heart, love of my life, sorry I can’t take your call, really, really sorry. Please leave your messages of your love and devotion, I love you”
Yep… I started investigating and informed her husband of my findings. They both say they haven’t been in contact since but how can I trust what either of them says, well he figured out what I was doing and locked me out of everything, it’s still that way.
I know all of my actions to date have been pushing him further and further away, I’ve read so many books and articles I’m cross-eyed. I came across Divorce Remedy and this site. I've read Divorce Remedy cover to cover and like what it says but I need help putting things into practice, especially when it comes to interacting with my H. A lot of the self improvement work is well underway. I’m on medication for depression again and this time it’s helping (highest allowable dosage, it better help), I’ve lost 45lbs (stress and meds), started exercising (had to stop due to shin splints but will be starting again soon), reconnect with an old friend, became better friends with a few others, started an art class (really enjoying that), much better mother, I no longer speak to the OW’s H, stopped snooping, organized, not really lazy anymore (I am every once in a while, can’t give that up completely), the house hold is better cared for, I also found a Dr that believed that my issues were real and is treating them so I feel better physically, discovered the damage and side effects my IUD caused. June 2012 had birth control removed, which is helping a lot, oh and the libido is coming back, not that it does me any good now. H has noticed all the changes I’ve made and is angry about it because it had to come to this for me to change, too little too late, from his perspective he sees what I’ve done for myself and seen how quickly it happened and is confused/disappointed that if it was so easy why now and not before. I can’t win at this point.
Recent days, 2 weeks ago he wanted to talk about the possibility of him moving out so he could have time and space to think. Anxiety attack right in session, last week on the fourth of July we had people over. They leave and we go off to sleep… separately (did I mention that, ya he’s on the couch by his own choice, and will not touch me.) I came by later, after he was asleep, to get water, stepped on a phone, picked it up and take it upstairs to check it out, extremely suspicious, the area code and exchange are for the location she OW lives in, I call, right to voice mail with the generic (electronic) greeting. Text that say ilyg (I love you G) the OW pet name for my H is G, at least that is my suspicion because she called him that in my presence a lot, and a picture text of a fortune in a cookie it said “Patience will bring you what you desire.” I confronted, I yelled (vicious again), he said it’s not his but he doesn’t know how to prove it, he understands why I’m so mad, says he would be too, said in the reverse situation he would feel the same but probably act worse. I destroyed the phone. We already had a session scheduled for Thursday the 5th so we discussed the phone and petty annoyances. No further discussion on moving out. He almost left that night but his devotion to our son is strong, he couldn’t talk himself into it.
Monday 7/9, I receive an email regarding an apartment he wants to take at the end of the month. He says our son will like it because of all the amenities, he hopes I understand he needs time and space. I burst into tears upon actually seeing him, I left to clear my head; I just couldn’t deal with another blow.
The 2 previous posts will bring you up to date as of 7/9/12.
Sorry for the length
When do I stop crying? How do I not cry in front of him? How do I keep a calm pleasant demeanor? How do I be a friend to him? Please help me…
I know there is a lot to take in. If you have questions please ask.
Thank you.
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
