scaredsilly, thanks for your feedback. I agree. I was not entirely validating of his feelings. I tried very hard though. I did agree with many things he said along the way but I know it was not enough. I wasn't 100% validating, nor was I even 70% validating. I would say I was 40% validating - which is not enough.
I realised this too at some point in our conversations and searched my heart for how to be more validating. All the things I've read and all the things I've practiced - honestly my mind drew a blank. I couldn't even recall a snippet of advice on 'how to validate'. I remember repeating back to him things he would say to me - which was part of validation. It wasn't enough though, I agree, and nor did it seem to be enough for him.
I did ask him what he wanted from me, what kind of assurances he was looking for, how could I say that to him other than what I had already said. I was asking him how I needed to communicate with him for him to understand. He just said he wanted assurances in words, but more so in action. I then asked how in action if we spend little time together. Plus, we had 5 wonderful days here now together - truly wonderful. Doesn't that count? He didn't have much to say about that.
In my mind, the thing was going in circles.
Out of the blue, he even brought up some time AGES and AGES and long forgotten ago when I got irritated when he would pull the 20 questions scenario on me. There was a brief period of that. He asked me why I got irritated with him.
I was blank. Could barely remember the time of that. He pressed me for an answer.
In exasperation, I said, "Ok, now you are scraping the bottom of the barrel. I can barely remember that time as it was so long ago and it was all resolved and sorted way back when." He continued to want an answer and finally I said, "I really don't remember that time all that clearly. I can't give you an answer for that now. We cleared it up back then."
In my mind, I thought, OMG!! This is never going to end. He's not looking for a way out of the misery, he wants to get stuck in the misery! He keeps piling it on - and why? To justify? To understand? To move on? To do what? Why?
Anway, I do agree - I need to improve my validation skills a lot more. Lessons anyone?
