New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Accuray]

Hi Roughenough,

Try not to "preview" your changes for W -- that is going to make her angry, because at this point it's all talk. Just do it and let her observe the results. You really should not talk about your 180's at all, either the ones you've done, or the ones you're going to do. Let them speak for themselves. You will be nervous she won't notice, but she will. She may not notice them one at a time, but eventually she'll have a lightbulb go off that a whole lot is now different.

WRT the house, I believe you should go to the financial counselor with W. One of her historic complaints was that she didn't feel "safe" with you financially. Maybe you reassured her that you had it covered or you had everything figured out. Now, she doesn't trust you financially. If you go to the counselor with a good attitude, listen to what the person has to say, ask good questions, etc. and honestly engage, that may be a good 180 for you as well.

I don't believe W wants to do anything with the house to try to spite you. I think she's worried about it. I would try to work with her on it, and if the way she wants to work is starting with a counselor, do it. You don't have to agree to anything, just go and listen and ask questions.

WRT the roommate, there are many ways to do that. You can use AirBnB and just rent a bedroom on a temporary basis -- weeks at a time for instance. When W says she doesn't want you to have a female roommate, I'm sure she's not thinking about you finding a 70 year old woman to move in. She's thinking you'd move someone in who you would want to date, and in that context she is right that it wouldn't be good for the kids, it would be confusing to them. For the kids sake, you should probably seek a roommate who would not appear as a "wife replacement candidate".

You may want to get some books on separation with kids or talk to a family therapist. They can advise you how best to handle the situation and what to stay away from.

In terms of W being able to "tell you what to do" while separated, you really don't have any type of agreement there. One thing you could do is write up a separation agreement stipulating how you will handle things between you -- how will you handle custody, will each of you date other people during this time, etc. etc. Put it on the table. If you want to go that route, that's something YOU could initiate with a counselor. I wouldn't try to do that one-on-one.

I will echo Tinman's advice, I would definitely see a lawyer about your options on the house, that would be money very well spent.

Accuray