Thank you so much for your support and encouragement! I really really appreciate it.
So, H left and we had two days of talks. My head is about to explode, haha! I feel utter exasperation and frustration as well - I'm eating a sandwich even though I'm not hungry to get some tension released!!
So, the talk was simply more of the same old, same old. Again, nothing I hadn't heard before, and him looking for reasarrances that certain things would not ever happen again. For example, that he should be able to go out whenever he feels like it and for however long he wants and that I should be ok with that. Well, I am not and will not pretend like I am. I deserve and expect common courtesy at the very least. So, that's where I stand on that.
Seems the whole marriage is breaking down on the area of social life.
I am beyond furious. We had such a good first 4-5 days here, such a wonderful time. But noooooo. He puts it down to us being on our best behaviour. I said to him, "You are speaking for yourself. Not me. I am real. I let myself feel and let myself have a good time." He didn't say anything to that.
He says he is fearful of me getting angry and upset about various things - again - related to social life. He's afraid of the patterns starting up. He said he's also afraid to open up again just to be slammed down.
I said to him that fear only begets more fear and acting on anger and fear doesn't go anywhere. There is always regret when decisions are based on fear and anger. There is a lot about us that is good and that works very well, in fact so well that to base breaking down a marriage on social life, is insanity.
Everything I said, he had a counter for it. In the end, I said "I feel I can't win. No matter what I say or what I explain in terms of how I felt, my own insecurities and fears - it makes no difference to you. You seem to be set in your mind in which case I'm not sure why you came here. I feel deceived."
He explained that he came to just see how he felt and to talk.
I did much of the talking. In fact, when he said he wanted to talk and that we should talk, that's all he would say. I would stay quiet because I wanted to hear him talk. In the end, he wouldn't talk. So, I did the vast majority of the talking.
I reminded him that I brought up us dating a while ago and that he immediately dismissed it. So, I was all out of ideas on how to move forward.
So at the end before he left, I said, "Ok, so we are back in London and what then? More of the same?" He said that the dating idea is a possibility, but that he wants no expectations, and wants it to be open.
I'm not happy with 'open'. I'd rather wipe the slate clean and start fresh. I didn't tell him that, but that is how I feel. I know myself well enough to know that I am not going to be happy with that and I will build resentment - and then I might as well call it quits.
My mother made an interesting observation about how stuck he gets. For example, he went fishing everyday. Everyday, he used the same size lure. Everyday, he caught nothing. My dad said to him, "Next time, go with a simple line and a piece of bread, and lower your expectations of what size of fish you will catch." My dad caught a fish that way and he caught a small fish. My H didn't change anything and he ended up catching nothing. My mom said then to me, "See how stuck he gets in his mind? He can't even change the size of the lure. That's the way he is now in this situation."
Despite examples and evidence, he'll carry on doing the same thing over and over again. Cheeseless tunnels.
I have a few more days here on my own. I have promised myself that I will make a decision by the time I leave. I think I will not do any dating with him, but will do my own dating now. I won't go to the lawyers just yet - still want to let a bit of time pass before I make such a major step. But I will start dating others as I don't see much changing on this front. I feel a bit more settled with that idea.
I don't have a desire to be in touch with him now.
