i've been thinking about forgiveness again this evening, after reading LITB's post and then listening to that song.
i started out by thinking about forgiving h - it didn't feel weighted at all. but then i started thinking of the other people who i had perceived hurting me through the years, and found myself thinking that i needed to start there. and then of course - the person who abused me. i remembered when i was younger and way more brash (not really understanding how that experience had shaped me), i would flippantly say - sure i had forgiven him.
now i find that after i have really learned what the true effects of what happened to me were - and how deeply they affected me, the way my life went and how i interacted with the people i really love, i find that i have a whole new set of things to forgive in this person.
it also made me realize, that not truly forgiving breeds really negative stuff. during x'mas 2010, my parents were visiting us, and they got a phone call that that person's son had just died - 16 yrs old, and overdosed on ad's and anti-psychotic drugs. he's my fathers cousin - so pretty close member of the family.
i look back now and remember thinking at that time - just shrugging to myself and saying oh well, what comes around goes around, and i had no sympathy for his pain or his loss.
now, when i am in such a different place within myself, i shudder to think that's what my reaction was. indifference - but coming from a place of pain rather than empathy and love for a fellow human.
i can't help thinking tonight, that oh my gosh - i could land up doing the same towards my h - indifference (detachment?) born of pain - that leads to very negative emotions, rather than indifference born of empathy and a healthy turning away that is not riddled with hurt and pain and rejection.
so i am starting again - to first see this man as a human with flaws just like me, to first learn empathy towards him that i trust will lead to forgiveness. for when i truly forgive him, that's when i'll be free of this burden i have carried all my life.
turning that same thought towards my h - when i truly forgive him, that's when i'll be free of this burden i carry now and be able to move forward , free to just be who i am. for as long as i don't truly forgive, i'm not the person i can be.
but let's not forget in all of this - that forgiveness starts with oneself. i have spent the last weeks working on that. i've stopped regretting and agonizing over what i have done, said , been, all my life and especially with h. now i just focus (after i have learned and realized) on moving towards being NOT those things or that person, but finding the good in myself , first. i feel ready to start the true forgiveness step towards others.
on a lighter note - where's that party happening - the one where we get together and celebrate how far we have come - all of us- even the people who just joined up today:)
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
