Hey Z so glad you updated!!! I've been thinking about you. I really loved you saying you'd looked in the mirror and said how proud you were of you! That was beautiful!
Do you think H was hinting at moving back in? Or was he just upset at the idea of living with his parents and making it clear that it wasn't his choice? Interesting!
Things between you have gotten so much better than the days of barely any convo and not taking off the sunglasses LOL
I keep trying to remind myself of how far we've come to appreciate it fully!
"the "i don't have a choice, do i" comment - was asked as a question. after he said it 3 or 4 times i asked if he was asking me if he had a choice or was it a statement - he quickly replied no he wasn't asking me. i just said- just confirming, wasn't sure what you meant."
zig, i like the way you handled this. you asked for clarification rather than just answering what you thought he was asking or coming back with the obvious answer.
i'll try to remember to do this, too. thank you!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
oh needgrace - now you are making me bawl - and first thing in the morning!!
no seriously - i think the shift comes when we see the possibility - of anything. so i am just so happy that i could even give some one the hint of that - you made my day!
i didn't do it on my own - i've had amazing help and support - but it only came when i became open to it.
never doubt what you want to reach for - that's what i've finally found out. just trust you can be different - and the mere thought of that will cause a shift within yourself:)
hope you have a wonderful day
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Hey Zig, just catching up a bit. Glad you are doing well. Sounds like conversations and interactions with your H are continuing at least to some level on a positive.
Enjoy the day!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
the days of barely any convo and not taking off the sunglasses LOL
can't believe you remembered i wrote that - and gosh i can't believe i'd forgotten that myself!!
i think there is a very good reason why our minds let us forget stuff!!
was he hinting? i have no idea - can't say it didn't cross my mind slightly - but face value right? talked to my mom last night and she kind of asked the same - and i joked - he's gonna have to come outright and say it, heck he's going to have to really ask and the only answer i am going to give is let's think about it and talk about it further.
b'day night - in the driveway - when we were alone - very strong vibes - didn't mention that i sort of also threw out there - there's that other b'day present if you want it - he gave me this hug and we talked about it and basically he admitted that "you know how i am, i'll do both very easily" insisted a million times that he was not comfortable doing it . i think when he saw that i wasn't getting upset he started twisting the conversation to r talk - and also insisting that the reason we couldn't was because it would make me think we were getting back together!!
thus the call later when i told him that no more telling me what i think!
so brit - i don't know - a few weeks ago, i would've clung to that statement, no doubt. now - face value!!
i was a bit nervous - thinking i'd gone overboard with bringing that up, yesterday - but his voice mail and the exchange on the phone - well - all i can say is that he didn't withdraw and go all funny on me as he used to
who knows brit -
as for reminding ourselves how far we've come - oh yes - that's really much much more important now. how could we have a virtual party to celebrate? - could we start a "party thread" for a day where everyone "drops in" to celebrate ? we all stop by to socialize?
hugs to you
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
so - i was trying to get s up, who was too tired to move, and decided i'd take the trash out - i'm in the driveway and h pulls up. he had told me last night that he was stopping by to get some tools but i hadn't expected him so early
i said s isn't up yet - why don't you go in and cuddle with him. so he hung out with s in the br - first time since he moved out - about 15 mins. i went about getting breakfast -offered him eggs - he refused - messed around a bit - got his stuff, came back in - didn't seem in any particular hurry to leave.
i just acted relaxed and as if i didn't notice anything unusual - i did have to run to my computer and delete the history, because he was going to go on line to pay a bill - whew!!
when s was almost done with breakfast, h said ok i'm taking off, and i turned and asked him quite happily if he could drop s to his class and save me a few minutes. his answer oh yes of course, why didn't i think about it myself. so he hd to hang out for another 15 mins - which he did, staying in the house.
so , as an amusing side note - when he first pulled up, my first thought was - oh how do i look - i hadn't been up long myself and wasn't expecting him to drop by - i knew from his reaction - trying not to look at me, that i looked pretty damn good!! just happened to have slipped on this long linen strappy thing when i woke up this morning!! ha ha!! (one that he always liked me in!!)
so that was weird to say the least. normally i would have expected him to stiffly take the tools and rush off. he landed up being here for 45 mins.
off to get ready for my intern.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i've been thinking about forgiveness again this evening, after reading LITB's post and then listening to that song.
i started out by thinking about forgiving h - it didn't feel weighted at all. but then i started thinking of the other people who i had perceived hurting me through the years, and found myself thinking that i needed to start there. and then of course - the person who abused me. i remembered when i was younger and way more brash (not really understanding how that experience had shaped me), i would flippantly say - sure i had forgiven him.
now i find that after i have really learned what the true effects of what happened to me were - and how deeply they affected me, the way my life went and how i interacted with the people i really love, i find that i have a whole new set of things to forgive in this person.
it also made me realize, that not truly forgiving breeds really negative stuff. during x'mas 2010, my parents were visiting us, and they got a phone call that that person's son had just died - 16 yrs old, and overdosed on ad's and anti-psychotic drugs. he's my fathers cousin - so pretty close member of the family.
i look back now and remember thinking at that time - just shrugging to myself and saying oh well, what comes around goes around, and i had no sympathy for his pain or his loss.
now, when i am in such a different place within myself, i shudder to think that's what my reaction was. indifference - but coming from a place of pain rather than empathy and love for a fellow human.
i can't help thinking tonight, that oh my gosh - i could land up doing the same towards my h - indifference (detachment?) born of pain - that leads to very negative emotions, rather than indifference born of empathy and a healthy turning away that is not riddled with hurt and pain and rejection.
so i am starting again - to first see this man as a human with flaws just like me, to first learn empathy towards him that i trust will lead to forgiveness. for when i truly forgive him, that's when i'll be free of this burden i have carried all my life.
turning that same thought towards my h - when i truly forgive him, that's when i'll be free of this burden i carry now and be able to move forward , free to just be who i am. for as long as i don't truly forgive, i'm not the person i can be.
but let's not forget in all of this - that forgiveness starts with oneself. i have spent the last weeks working on that. i've stopped regretting and agonizing over what i have done, said , been, all my life and especially with h. now i just focus (after i have learned and realized) on moving towards being NOT those things or that person, but finding the good in myself , first. i feel ready to start the true forgiveness step towards others.
on a lighter note - where's that party happening - the one where we get together and celebrate how far we have come - all of us- even the people who just joined up today:)
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
It's amazing to me how cognizant we become when life puts us on our knees and humbles us. To me, humility is a very good trait for a person to have.
I will update my sitch as my "forgiveness" post ties into my W and I piecing.
Cheers to you on your growth. You seem to be doing very well.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
