Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

it's funny how he says, "i need you to..." and expects you to meet his need. since he's "streamlining" his life now, he will have to find out what that means; he has no partner to help him and it's all on his shoulders.

Very true. And very different for me to do. I 'want' to help him, but then again, that's a wife's job.

I have told friends in the past, treat your H like the mailman. Just be cordial and not overly interested. You can do this.

kat

Ok

Journaling and it seems an actual breakthrough (for me):
Yesterday, H called me to 'offer me a choice' be served by the Sheriff at work and be embarrassed, or have my parents serve me [um no my parents would not be involved]. I said "Well, honestly I'd prefer neither one and would like to give us some time to work through it, but I do appreciate that if this is what you really want, you following through and handling this instead of me having to take my time to take care of it. You will have to decide which one you want to do".

He was mad I didn't choose for him, and went in the Sheriff's Office when he called, but found out that it was too late for them to do it. He then told me he hated me, and wanted to get as far away from me as possible, and that if I didn't notice, he has cut me out of his life entirely (yes, in last 6 months). He feels lonely and has for 2 years and hasn't loved me for a long time (2 years he says), and wants a girlfriend so he doesn't feel lonely anymore and he can't date while he's married so he wants to take care of the 'legality' of it.

It's like he never remembers "ME". He is so easily able to forget me and 13 years.

He told me last night that he didn't want his parents codependent dysfunctional relationship. I agreed. I didn't want a push/pull manipulative relationship. Ironically, as I'm on the phone with him about it, it didn't occur to me then that this IS it. Him huffing off, me following. I once told him "Why is it that I have to ACT crazy in order for you to pay attention to me - I don't like it. I want to be able to tell you what is going on and we deal with it."
No response.

I know I can't 'make' him not feel lonely, I've offered him to take S over to his apartment over the weekends so H can have his space from me, but he still comes over...so far.

I am still keeping up on my GAL stuff, but I still haven't detached as much it seems. I saw his depression, the path it goes, and I see my inability to detach and I'm not 'helping' him by not allowing him to take this path fully. And it's just harder on me.

I get it now.

I am disheartened that I've wasted so much time. I still have hope, but 4 months of trying to figure this all out, being shut out, ignored, and slipping and not detaching as much as I should have. Emotional outbursts, too much conversation. And I realize I spend too much time analyzing. There really isn't much to figure out. It's he left, and me and S being at home and me making the most out of a situation that I didn't want, but can do. If H wanted to be here, he needs to figure out his own stuff on his own, and I can't keep assisting him in repeating his parents' marriage (at least with me that is!).

Thank you all for being patient with me. I appreciate all the encouraging words, and the words of wisdom given to me.
I love the feedback, it helped me stay sane in the last couple of months.