I'm a new person

[25yearsmlc]

And about the trip, I see your point. I will wait and see if he even makes plans for the trip. He flakes so who knows? I could be getting all worked up about nothing...

This is key for you to understand. It really happened.

About 7 weeks before h was to leave for Alaska, (and imo, leaving our marriage), he said there was a conference in Palm Springs and "WE ALL" ought to go. I balked. What? No way.

I felt "why pretend it's all okay? I can't fake like I'm fine", etc.

Thankfully, my DB coach said

"WHOAH wait a minute. What about your kids and giving them a good family memory?

And giving your h something to miss? Why try to punish him BEFORE he goes?"


So, I decided for FOUR DAYS I could put my anger/pain aside. For FOUR DAYS I could shelve it all and make it about being in the present. I would not catastrophize about the future or worry or be mad.

In fact I decided I would not even THINK BAD THOUGHTS about h. IF I could.

i wanted to give the girls and h a good time and I'd be damned if it was going to be ME ruining it with my anger and pain. I turned on every prayer channel in my heart and head and tried to be Mother Teresa.

I hate to admit it, but knowing I "could always be angry again, later", actually helped me do this.

So when h began to "lecture" about the botany in the area, instead of thinking he was a nerd, I saw how valuable his wisdom and knowledge was and that the girls were getting something out of it. I recalled that one reason I married him was his well rounded education.

I put a STOP SIGN in my head when a negative thought entered and sometimes the best I could do was be neutral. But I did my best to be complimentary, courteous and when he reached for my hand, to react warmly each time.

After a day of this, h visibly relaxed. So did our kids. Then maybe 36 hours later, I found myself liking my h more. So "faking it til you make it CAN help.

I saw the positives more easily and rejected the negatives (TEMPORARILY, I thought) more quickly too.

I definitely learned to stay in the moment a lot better, leaving tomorrow's problems OUT of my today. That experience has been pivotal in some of my personal changes.

The trip was a great success. We had a blast and it's as if Palm Springs was THE BEST vacation we ever had even though it was a short one. I know it meant a lot to my h.

And you know what? It gave me a glimpse of what forgiveness looks like.


I noticed your post of the 29th in which you said,

It went sooo well. My friend and her H came over with her sister in law. Total 5 kids. Her H n my H talked a lot. My H said that it was really cool to finally talk to someone who can look past everything he did.


This shows me that his fear is he won't ever be forgiven.

I think rhetorical questions about how you feel about OW are just harmful b/c they are reminders to you to stay angry.

I don't see how that helps you at all.

But getting a feel for what forgiveness is like, can help.

Our wedding vows say "from this day forward", for a reason. Can you possibly let go of the past, ever?

If not, then you're done. But own that.

Can you have a nice trip that at the very least, gives your kids a good time AND something for your h to miss?

Don't buy into his "for the kids" statement so much. First off, you're using it too and second, you fear hoping for more. Just like him.

In the back of his mind he fears testing you b/c if you fail, if you stay angry, it'll mean in all likelihood the m is over.

Go have a good time. For your kids and for you. And see what happens.

But be in the moment and do NOT repeat the past mistake of letting your fears and anger pollute a family trip the way they wrecked that evening.

That's on you...you can do this. Get a glimpse, even if just a brief one, of what forgiveness and staying in the present "from this day forward" IS.

it's a blessing and it can be a miracle.