I had a reminder of how far I've come today. A friend took me aside to tell me the coworker I'd dated after me and H's split was seeing guess what? another person we work with. I'm not sure how this friend expected me to react. I just said oh, okay. I had my suspicions but that's cool. And my friend said It's okay if you want you want to say it's not okay. I almost LAUGHED. It was just another reminder about how unconcerned with other's lives I am now. and it's freeing. other people's choices are just that their choices. I don't even have an opinion. And why should I. You guys might not recognise this but it's huge. I used to have an opinion on anything anyone was doing!
On the way home (in the pouring rain..gotta love the UK) I was thinking to myself that I'm happy. I had looked at H's fb page. And his posts were funny and he was even making plans with a couple i didn't know. But I just thought he sounds happy, and I'm happy for him. All I wanted was for us both to be happy and we are right now. I'm really happy. I don't have anyone in my life, but I'm still really happy. He spent so long not having friends, not going out, not wanting to drink or socialise, so I started doing it on my own. And now he's doing it again and I'm glad. I know it sounds crazy a few weeks ago I was bitter that he wasn't doing it with me...and now I'm just happy for him.
It was just another reminder about how unconcerned with other's lives I am now. and it's freeing. other people's choices are just that their choices. I don't even have an opinion. And why should I. You guys might not recognise this but it's huge. I used to have an opinion on anything anyone was doing!
I am right here with you on this! I used to be so fast to judge other people. Now, not so much. It really is liberating! Does the pattern of judging have to do with how much we respect ourselves? I.e., if there's something "wrong" with us is that the first thing for which we condemn others? Can we only let go of this pattern once we are more accepting and loving of ourselves? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
In any event this is yet another great insight, thank you for sharing
i've noticed the same - i've stopped judging other people and when someone else judges them - my first thought is wonder what is difficult in their lives that makes them that way.
and then the funny thing - my h is SOOOOOO judgmental and always criticizing everything and everyone constantly. i used to join in - and now, i just say mildly that maybe that other person, that he's judging had some issues of their own.
i think you're right vera - we've learned to respect how difficult it is to change ourselves - what an agonizing process, and that makes us realize first before judging that the other person may want to change but could be finding it very hard to do.
i find myself saying often - here i am, with the deliberate intent to change my ways finding the process so hard and long. what must it be like for someone who hasn't even realized yet that changes can be made
brit i am so so so glad to hear your quiet serenity. and to be happy for your h the way you describe - aah - so beautiful...
((((((( ))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Thank you guys for your words! I really do heart you all!
I often wonder if judging comes from a place to reassure yourself that you're better than someone else because you aren't like them? I don't know....I think it comes from insecurity. And fear. You want to say what they are doing is wrong and I'd never do that. Or if this person is doing x, then it must mean y about them. And I think through detachment you learn that it doesn't have to mean things about people. That people can do all sorts of things for a million different reasons.
I also think going on this journey..being a WAW, who dated minutes after her split, then spent ages crying, having panic attacks, deciding she wanted him back has made me really empathetic. I put on the board once I used to think "you wanted a divorce, get over it" about people who were struggling and now I see it differently. In fact, I heard some goss about someone I know who is having an affair and the other girls were saying I just can't believe it, it changes everything I thought about her. And I said, "she must be terribly unhappy to do something like that. How long have we known her....how much time have we spent around her H? exactly....it's like they lead separate lives..maybe they've already separated and we don't know....because of everything we know about her think of how horrible it must have been to get to this point" This is something I NEVER would have thought in the past! I would have judged away!
Grace I don't think I'm very smart, but thank you for saying that. I'm just happy I don't feel lost anymore. I'm happy that I've found a way to be happy in the right now. Maybe all this will change and I'll have another wave of pain and sorrow.....or maybe I'll meet prince charming. I think I'm becoming a lot more AWARE of moments when I'm happy and grab onto them, or moments when I see some growth and I celebrate it. I have to say my new clothes and weight loss are helping me LOADS when it comes to confidence. I feel like the old me, but better!
