Needing some guidance... 5

[25yearsmlc]

if they were only dating a few months, she would not be here on divorce busting.

This cannot be compared to a r without history OR one without children.

It defies the premise of this site to do so.

We're trying to save marriages and or ourselves. That does not apply to a "relationship" that began 3 weeks ago. And she's not alone in this situation. She has children and the father of those children to think about.


I'm NOT telling you what to do, legally. YES I wish you could put a new spin on your timeline. I wish you could give yourself a year or 6 months of reduced contact with him (for your protection)

and for your focus to be on the things that you know need changing from within you. I'd hope that TIME would relax you and give you some perspective, as it would do for him.

If no contact (or a lot less) helps you to function, then so be it. Been there, done that. It might take some pressure off you in the sense that you feel you "must choose NOW"...b/c you won't have to if he's not around you as much. You can relax and GAL...

and keep on working on yourself.

Great, did you read her very first post? This man isn't some serial cheater or abusive guy. According to JKS, "he did everything" and she was depressed and emotional and had a temper.

SHE did need to make some changes for a long time (longer than what he has put her through, I might add)

JKS put him through the ringer. He was there for her until he no longer could be.

JKS I do NOT say that as a 2 x 4. Not to hurt you or make you feel worse

but as a reminder that he waited for things to improve a lot longer than this garbage has been going on.

Maybe you ought to factor that timeline in too. Maybe. Your sitch is a painful one but to me, it seems only fair. His sitch while married to you was not painless.

That does not mean you must stay married. Doesn't mean anything else, but don't believe for a minute that filing for and getting a divorce

won't change your relationship forever.

I don't think it's just a piece of paper, anymore than a marriage certificate is a recycled piece of tree bark...

Yes I have relatives who remarried their former spouses. It can happen. But they still had to make changes within. They detached and I doubt they expected to reconcile for some years, before they did.

Why not focus on becoming the woman you always wanted to become? I can tell it is happening for the most part. No decision needed by close of business today.

Sure, sometimes we backslide but hopefully those days get rarer and with more time between. Yours seem to be.

When you do see your h, when you have to, use those interactions as opportunities to show the new you, NOT as chances to challenge his choices, which only forces him to defend them. I truly believe if he trusted your changes, that they'd last and that things would not revert to what there was before, he'd return.

His fear is that the marriage will become what it was before and by your own admission "he did everything". Is his fear really so unreasonable?
.

If he really isn't the man for you any longer, you will know. And I don't mean to minimize your pain at all. I really don't. Hence lessening contact w/him.

(I say that b/c of the changes you see in him now, But since he's changing now too, I don't know that much of it is permanent. You know what I mean? Aren't you both in transition? IF his changes for the worse, are permanent, then so be it.


Time reveals a lot. Take a breath, be in the present, & really do your best.

If you do that^^, then you can leave the results up to God...and you'll be alright.