No More LRT, but slow progress

[vera be fierce]

Lost - I think you can preview the intro to Codep No More on amazon for free, maybe take a look and see if any of it rings true for you.

[pookie69]

Confused how I am supposed to get her to invite me to do things but then her inviting me to do things is bad.

Do you want a wife or a female activity partner who is sleeping with someone else and you really don't care?

[HollyAnn]

I am meeting W for dinner in about 5 hours. I am going to just memorize what I want to say.

But then do I say it or just start declining invitations from her? I would say that 60% of the time, it is her inviting me to do things.

Help me deny her request. I do not help her financially right now but can see her asking me this month since she is changing jobs.

Cancel dinner.

You say, "I have thought about this and have some decisions to make."

[chatterbug]

I am meeting W for dinner in about 5 hours. I am going to just memorize what I want to say.

But then do I say it or just start declining invitations from her? I would say that 60% of the time, it is her inviting me to do things.

Help me deny her request. I do not help her financially right now but can see her asking me this month since she is changing jobs.

Please do not do this.

You have already committed to meeting her for dinner.

Here is a great 180 for you.

Go there. Have dinner. Keep topics light and breezy. Lead. Talk about current topics in the news.

If she brings up about the loss of job.

Say. " I have confidence that you will find another job. How is the looking going. Any leads. "

Do not say " I know. Here is 20k to tide you over." It is July. You know she wanted to go away with OM. Giving her any extra money will just enable the affair even longer.

If she brings up about needing money.

"I know times are tough. It has been difficult financially the past few years. Did you talk to unemployment? Any leads on a new job. "

If she brings up relationship talk.

" Wife, I have decided that I will no longer talk to you about our relationship while you have a boyfriend."

Then use the

1. "Yeah, I can see how difficult this has become."
2. "This isn't working for me."
3. "No"

Cycle through them when needed.


If there are any pauses. Let the silence stand for a minute or two. Serious. Let there be uncomfortableness.

You just sit there with your back straight. Looking happy. Speeding it along.

Cause you have to leave. You have to go GAL.



Then the next time she asks you to do something. Say.

" Wife. I am busy that night. But I think I am free 2 nights later. How about then?"



If you cannot handle this. And you know you will cave.

say.

"Wife. Something has come up and I will not be able to attend dinner tonight. Raincheck ok."

[chatterbug]

Maybe I am confused with the definition of boundaries.

Example?

Well what do think they are ?

[HollyAnn]

I am really feeling like an idiot. Maybe I have been trying to absorb too much advice.

Who is codependent? Me or her? Is it me because she is controlling me when she invites me to do things?

But then I read about detaching and going dark. Wait for your W to invite you to do things, stop the pursuit. Confused how I am supposed to get her to invite me to do things but then her inviting me to do things is bad.

You still are not getting this because you are not detached. You are still pursuing by accepting her invitations.
Don't you see how you are still dancing to her tune? She is calling the shots.
And tonight, she'll have you out for dinner, in public, to continue this circus.
Cancel the dinner. Stay home and fix dinner with your kids.
Don't worry about her anger.
You have an opportunity here to show strength and decisiveness.
Use it.

[HollyAnn]

I am meeting W for dinner in about 5 hours. I am going to just memorize what I want to say.

But then do I say it or just start declining invitations from her? I would say that 60% of the time, it is her inviting me to do things.

Help me deny her request. I do not help her financially right now but can see her asking me this month since she is changing jobs.

Please do not do this.

You have already committed to meeting her for dinner.

Here is a great 180 for you.

Go there. Have dinner. Keep topics light and breezy. Lead. Talk about current topics in the news.

If she brings up about the loss of job.

Say. " I have confidence that you will find another job. How is the looking going. Any leads. "

Do not say " I know. Here is 20k to tide you over." It is July. You know she wanted to go away with OM. Giving her any extra money will just enable the affair even longer.

If she brings up about needing money.

"I know times are tough. It has been difficult financially the past few years. Did you talk to unemployment? Any leads on a new job. "

If she brings up relationship talk.

" Wife, I have decided that I will no longer talk to you about our relationship while you have a boyfriend."

Then use the

1. "Yeah, I can see how difficult this has become."
2. "This isn't working for me."
3. "No"

Cycle through them when needed.


If there are any pauses. Let the silence stand for a minute or two. Serious. Let there be uncomfortableness.

You just sit there with your back straight. Looking happy. Speeding it along.

Cause you have to leave. You have to go GAL.



Then the next time she asks you to do something. Say.

" Wife. I am busy that night. But I think I am free 2 nights later. How about then?"



If you cannot handle this. And you know you will cave.

say.

"Wife. Something has come up and I will not be able to attend dinner tonight. Raincheck ok."

This is why he should cancel.

[LostIn407]

Go there. Have dinner. Keep topics light and breezy. Lead. Talk about current topics in the news.

In the past few weeks, all of our outings have been like this. We have a lot of fun. We rarely talk R. There is zero tension between us when we go out. It is all eye contact when we talk. It is like this never happened.

If she brings up about the loss of job.

Say. " I have confidence that you will find another job. How is the looking going. Any leads. "

She has already been talking to me about this. I tell her that she is going to be fine, to go out on her own. This is a 180 as in the past when she was looking, she wanted to go out on her own and I was negative. I told her to take the safe route working for someone else. She complained how I would never take a risk.

Do not say " I know. Here is 20k to tide you over." It is July. You know she wanted to go away with OM. Giving her any extra money will just enable the affair even longer.

I am weak, but not that weak. I have my own things that I need. W knows this. She knows I am buying a complete bedroom set and new car.

If she brings up about needing money.

Here is what I want to say:
"You know how I feel about this. I told you in May that I was not going to help you financially while you were seeing someone."

I have no problem with her needing time away. I would pay for the apartment if she didn't have the OM. The OM is the reason she gets no financial support. My Ds love her apartment. I like my two nights without the Ds so I can have fun. (When W and I do things, I try to do them on her nights without the Ds. I want that satisfaction of her giving me valuable time.)

If she brings up relationship talk.

She never does.



Problem is that I have already had this talk with the W. First time was early May. We didn't talk for a few weeks. We didn't do much together at all.

What changed is when I went on a trip with a friend. This upset her. We went out for a drink the night before I left and had a great time. That lead to doing more together.

About two weeks ago after another great night is when I asked about OM and she replied "Not so much". That is why I did the trip with her. I wanted to put a nail in that coffin. I wanted to show her what she was missing, something she has wanted to do with me in the past.

But on our trip, it seemed as it wasn't "Not so much" anymore. That is why I think I need to go back and say something like:

"We have had a lot of fun over the past few weeks and on our trip. I was under the impression that you and OM were done. Apparently that isn't the case. I have decided that I will not be involved in an open marriage. It is disrespectful to the marriage. It is disrespectful to the children. It is disrespectful to me."

[LostIn407]

Boundaries? I can only think of one.

I will not engage in activities with W as long as she is seeing someone else.

I told her that I did not want OM around my Ds. This hasn't happened in weeks. I thought it would happen on Tuesday, her day with the Ds and first day back from our trip, which is also one of OM's days off. OM wasn't around Ds.

I told her that I wasn't going to assist her financially. I haven't since May 30. I helped pay for furniture for my Ds, but that was for my Ds.

[chatterbug]

I thought the apartment would give her time to think. I was completely wrong. The OM basically moved in instantly. The rules on the apartment were that it was for her to think, the OM wasn't to be around our kids and the OM was not to live there. I agreed to assist her financially as long as these conditions were meant.

About a month after finding out about the OM, I told her I would not continue to "date" her. We were married and I would not share my wife. I said we should not talk until she had time to think and was no longer with the OM. After that talk, she has intensified her time with the OM where he is around my children, including spending the night with them.

I am going to have a talk with her outlining the rules to our separation as I feel it hasn't been defined. I will inform her of the need to establish separate bank accounts so we each know how much money we will have. I will also inform her that I have set a date where I will file if we are not working on our marriage.

Listen to this guy. He had some good ideas there