Unfortunately, things have deteriorated. Vacation was up and down, and I think overall, she's decided in her head she's not willing to do anything so she's just been waiting for, really looking for, some justification to proceed to divorce.
On my side, I think my biggest problem has been patience. I am really working hard to try to be patient, but I think we have some misunderstandings between us as well that are increasing the problems.
Couple of things recently that came to light:
1) W told me she basically told the man she is having an EA with that he is the reason she is able to get up every day...he indicated it was the same with him
2) I saw on my internet history very late Monday night that she had spent the evening looking for apartments
3) W saw divorce attorney Tuesday and turned in a parenting plan. We discussed this last night and she said the attorney said she was screwed if she moved out, screwed if she stayed.
4) W has indicated that her feeling is that I'm controlling the entire situation and am not willing to do anything different
On the control issue, I will admit, yes, I've been controlling and with regards to the relationship, yes, I have been leading. I told her that I was only leading because she only wanted to lead us to divorce and I wanted to improve it. With that said, I relinquished control yesterday and told her she could figure out how she thought we should move forward and let me know. She said that's not really giving her control because I've already indicated what I will accept. I disagreed and said I was willing to discuss any scenario, but that didn't mean I'd automatically agree.
I scheduled an appointment for my own attorney today...will see her Monday to find out what my rights are.
Last night, W comes home, surprised I didn't go to golf and asked me what happened. I said it was just too hot. She asked if I was staying home and I said, I was planning on it, but could find something to do if she preferred I leave for a while. She said no, offered to make me a plate for dinner. We sat in bed and she grabbed my hand and said "you're my friend." I was starting to work on one of our dialogue questions and we talked about her attorney appt, her expectations, thoughts, etc. We only talked about an hour, but it became clear she felt trapped and thought I was being rigid. I tried to explain how flexible I was, but I'm not sure she believed me.
She also told me that she thought everything I was doing, holding her hand, telling her she looked nice, etc, was geared towards ML. She believes that I think this is a way to keep her, by having creating a connection. I was frankly shocked at this, as I have really never been the aggressor (an issue for a long time until we discussed at some length a few years ago), and still am not due to how rocky our relationship has been. I realize this is making her feel pursued, but I was really surprised she thought I was actually thinking this way.
This morning we only had 30 mins or so and I tried to reiterate she had control, but needed to actually spend some time thinking about it rather than leave us in limbo. I also indicated I was flexible about things, but she left the conversation saying it didn't matter, because she was already done and wasn't willing to work on it. She said if I'd have been the person I am today 5 years ago, we wouldn't be at this point. Of course, nothing I can do about that.
Anyway, pretty upset and frustrated. I can see that she's conflicted....she wants to believe it I will stay as I am now but isn't willing to risk her heart again. Weird thing is, we're actually missing what I consider the most important retrovaille follow-up this weekend (forgiveness, trust, etc) because my brother is getting married. Oh the irony.
