My wife has a bizillion reasons for having low desire. If it is not OBVIOUS to you, then maybe you should use your energies into finding a solution rather then invest a lot of time into finding the reason for low desire. The link below may help to find the easiest way to increase your desire:
Thank you Lee for the reminder of how important and serious it is for the LD spouse to follow up postponements whether they are in the mood or not.
CeMar: Well, isn't that interesting! When you posted that link earlier in my thread... I clicked it, skimmed over the first paragraph and left. I have never really had a problem enjoying sex (as long as I was participating). Today, for some reason, I decided to read the entire article and must say that it hit home in alot of ways.
Ever since H and I have "wiped our slates clean" - it *feels* like we're back in 1994 (HDs and all! )
I really hope we can continue and feel quite confident that we will. Thanks for your persistence with that link Has your wife read it??
Hi everyone! It's been a few days so I just thought I'd let you know that everything is still very good and no setbacks yet. Decided to go ahead and change my username!
Quote: I have a freelance project I have to finish up today
Just out of curiosity Corri, what type of work do you do? Is it graphic design related?
BTW (anybody), I think the difference in H and my desire gap has shortened due to these factors:
1. Reading TSSM together and both of us acknowledging our problems.
2. Since respect is so important to me (past issues), H doesn't "feel me up" anymore without *asking for permission* first. Probably sounds kind of lame to some, but instead of caressing and touching my errogenous zones while I'm asleep, and hoping I'll wake up turned on - he caresses my back, outer thighs, or holds me tight and *asks* if I want to ML... I haven't rejected him yet!
I wasn't exaggerating when I said it felt like we were back in 1994!
Very interesting! I kind of thought so when you mentioned freelance project (and how passionate you are about your work)... we have quite a bit in common!
Quote: My H decided to become a member, and started typing up a post offline. He was contemplating starting a new thread. He ended up writing a letter to me and told me he was afraid that I might get mad after I read it, but while we're being so completely blunt and honest, he might as well get things off his chest too. I was a little worried, but read. I was so incredibly moved and touched by his words, and couldn't understand how he could have feared a negative reaction.
Well, after waiting (and waiting) for H to post an edited version of his letter, I've decided to go ahead and edit it myself (the sexually explicit stuff) and post it here in case there's anything that may help anyone else with an LD/ND wife.
Here it is...
-------------- Hi everyone, I’m new to the message board thing so bear with me as I’m trying to learn as I go! Anyhow let me give you a bit of why I’m here. I met my future wife 10 years ago and have been married to her since 98. Everything seemed to be great, everything I could ask for, but somewhere things went down hill. My wife started with a HD and progressed to LD over a period of 3 years to ND at present. When our relationship started there was no rejection and the sex was great. Our sex life had spontaneity; we could be watching a movie, changing our sex positions and try new things.
I would wake up at night feeling horny. My W would wake up to me caressing and stimulating her or sometimes ML to her. She had said she loved how I would wake her up and I could wake her up like that anytime! But somehow that had changed, and the rejection started. There were times when she would roll over, tell me she didn’t feel like it as she was too tired. I would continue to caress her in hopes that she may change her mind.
I was developing back problems that would wake me up quite a bit at night. When I would wake up laying there next to her warm, sexy, naked body, I would get turned on and cuddle up behind her and caress her body head to toe in hopes to stimulate her enough to engage in ML, but she would end up pushing my hand away.
She began coming to bed in PJ’s. The rejections became more frequent and I started to question myself as to What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I turn her on anymore and What can I do to change this? I would ask her if there were something wrong? That’s when she began to tell me that everything is OK and that she had been gaining too much weight and not feeling very sexy. I reassured her that I was in love with who she is not her body and still find her incredibly sexy and desire her.
I began to pick up books like “Light Her Fire“ and other similar books in the hopes that I might learn how to reconnect with her again in bed. I began reading women’s mags in hopes that I might learn something, like what else I could try or maybe it was something I was doing.
This never really changed anything and our sex life continued to spiral downward. The amount of intimacy and ML became infrequent. Now I started to fear that it was me and I don’t know what I can do to change it. I was starting to feel self-conscious about my roll as a lover and inadequate. I told her that I don’t know how to turn her on anymore and that I need her to tell me what it is that gives her pleasure and will turn her on. I don’t recall what her response was but I know it never helped us.
We began to talk about our lack of love making, she again insisted that it was not me, that it was her and how she wasn’t feeling sexy about herself. She said that she didn’t like it when I would play with her vagina, and that it brought up images of her childhood. We talked about her childhood and things in her past that might make her feel this way. I was starting to understand and accepted this as what the problem was, but I would continue whenever we went to bed to make love to her. Night after night she would turn down my advances and reject me.
I continued to wake up and caress her which would turn me on and I would start to rub her legs and thighs slowly moving to her inner thighs and breasts. I felt that this was starting to stimulate her and I would move closer to her vagina when I caressed her inner thigh. Most of the time her legs would open up allowing full access. She would become very wet and she sometimes had multiple orgasms. I would always hope that she might roll over and join in, but that never happened. Sometimes she would abruptly turn over or push my hand away and even slap my hand away. I felt stupid, and ashamed. I would ask myself what the hell are you doing? And roll over and go to sleep.
For some reason I would still try but I began to masturbate almost all of the time now. I guess after not having any intimacy or being able to touch her sexually or have my wife make love to me for so long, that seemed to be the only way I could get close to her. I always fantasize that she is touching and kissing me and making love to me while I masturbate. As wrong as this was, I somehow convinced myself that as long as I could still get close to her and touch her even if she was asleep that would be enough for me to be happy and stay in our marriage or not to look elsewhere. It wasn’t until just recently that I realised how WRONG I was, DEAD WRONG!
I have hurt my wife terribly. I have violated her body and her trust against her wishes. I can never take back what I have done but I can learn from this. I have done a terrible job of communicating with her, reading her body language, listening to her. Well I might have listened to her but I sure as hell never heard her.
I have just come to realise that I’m the luckiest guy on the planet as I still have a beautiful, sexy, loving wife who still wants to work out our problems. I had feared that I might have screwed things forever, but her courage, determination, love and her will has given me hope. I have given her a mountain to climb and I’ll be damned to let her do this on her own. We will climb this mountain together, and I THANK her for that. --------------
How he anticipated a negative reaction from me, I will never know, but I thought it should be included in this thread.
*smiles* That's sweet... and it's really inspiring to see how much a change that and your posts are from what you were describing when you first started posting. (-:
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
)
Has your wife read it?? 
for H to post an edited version of his letter, I've decided to go ahead and edit it myself (the sexually explicit stuff) and post it here in case there's anything that may help anyone else with an LD/ND wife.