Needing some guidance... 5

[BklynMom]

One more note: Fake it till you make it

[RoRoinMD]

great conversation, so much stuff I needed to hear.

25 - I read a lot of your posts and I have never seen that letter before. I love it and need to read it over and over again when I just dont understand why my H hasnt seen my changes and come running home.

Jks, my H hasnt come (yet). But really working on myself has been a gift of this crisis. So far I have run half marathon, run, do lots of yoga, joined Al anon and met many new friends through the program, am learning guitar, I hire a cleaning lady sometimes, I go to therapy twice a week and raise & care for 2 wonderful girls.

Because of this crisis I have choose to work less then I used to work and its been wonderful. I have spent more time with my girls and I really feel a more deep connection with them.

I spend money frivoilously when it makes me feel good or makes my life easier because its taking care of me. I was taught by my mother that taking care of myself was a waste of money, doing anything that could make you feel good, even buying a trashing mag. was a sinful waste of money. Those little frivolious things have helped me make it through over a year of this.

I have/had a good relationship with my in laws. They were very confused when this happened because my H never indicated there were any problems until he left us. Initially they were very confused and were stand offish with me. I think now they have a clearer understanding of what is going on - they have seen me do everything in my power to work on me from Alanon to therapy and they seen my H hire a lawyer. They have seen me give up work to care for my girls, while my h takes work in another part of the country.

It is much clearer to everyone including myself what is going on here. Yes my/our behavior was bad but it takes months/years for them to regain our trust.

Every DB coach I have spoken to has drilled into me to change my time frame. I thought they were nuts. But that is the best advice I can give you. If you change your time frame you will recognize that you have time to show your changes. You need to believe that you are and can be the most awesome woman out there. The woman only a fool would leave. You are the mother of his children that counts for a lot.

You need to fully commit to being the best you, you can be. I honestly (on most days) feel better about myself on the inside and out (cause now I take the time to get my hair done and pick out a nice outfit each day) then I have in years.

Hang in there, you are not alone

BK, such a good post! I need to do more of the "me" stuff as well.

[scaredsilly]

"Every DB coach I have spoken to has drilled into me to change my time frame. I thought they were nuts. But that is the best advice I can give you. If you change your time frame you will recognize that you have time to show your changes."

BM, i really like this. thank you for sharing. what this tells me is if i let go of thinking that we should be back together by now, or by christmas, or whatever, and just let it happen, when and if it happens, i will lose a lot of that anxiety i have about where we are NOW.

it says to me, relax and enjoy the time you have to make the changes you need to make. i guess it's the old "gift of time" thing!

[jks]

25, thank you for that letter. It actually makes me feel like this whole trying to reconcile thing is pretty hopeless. That is my honest thought after reading it. Nothing bad against you, just a reality. He's only seeing tiny glimmers from me and OW has it all. It's not a hard equation to figure out.

He did not know OW before we got married. H and I went to High School together. And he didn't become a cop until after we had our first baby which is when he met her. And, yes, H's dad is a cop, OW is a cop, OW was married to a cop and divorced him a month after H left me. The funny thing is, I'm NOT attracted to cops and never would have ever married a cop. There has always been something about it that rubs me the wrong way.

I was always happy that H was happy doing what he was doing... and he did make me very proud. He works hard and he's great at what he does. It just is a huge turn off for me.... the cop thing in general. Plus, it is important to note that him becoming a cop changed him in so many ways. This is a lot of what I'm seeing in him now when I talk to him. His heart is hardened. He doesn't have the same values he once did. He used to be very innocent and naive. Now he's seen a lot of bad things and has lost a lot of trust in God and religion.

Religion has been a big thing for me throughout all of this. I struggle with this all the time to know if we will ever see eye to eye on it again. If he will always choose to turn away from it, then I really cannot see myself being with him. It's just too important to me.

I do get that I need to stop confronting him. But, my gosh... maybe he should just stop telling me all of this crap. He's keeping me emotionally invested and when someone you love tells you these things in a moment where they truly seem totally sincere... how do you ignore that? You are very right, these interactions are hardening my heart towards him. I have felt very differently towards the situation since Sunday.

I feel like I don't see a future with him like I once did. I see his future with OW and me out of the picture. She really does seem like a good fit for who he is right now. He was different when I married him and I think we were a really good fit back then. But it isn't the same. He has told me this several times and I'm really starting to believe it now.

As for the changes... believe me... being depressed is not a happy state of mind. I have wanted to be different all my life. I have wanted to love myself all my life. I'm learning now that the reason I have struggled with self esteem so much is because I don't think I ever felt unconditionally loved growing up. A lot of crap there that I don't want to get into but this is something I'm trying to change in the way I love other people... especially my kids. It's a hard coin to flip but I guarantee to you that these changes are for me.

Not to "win" back H. The best thing I could ever get from all of this, and I have stated before, that I am so grateful for this opportunity because I have GROWN SO MUCH!! I still fall into mild cases of depression but now I can fully recognize it and recover from it a lot more quickly. I feel like I'm more on top of things and I do look at myself and feel like he is a fool for leaving me. But at the same time, I am now feeling like I could be very, very happy with someone else.

I used to believe that H is the only one for me and I would never be able to let my heart go in another direction. But I'm feeling that less and less now.

H certainly has the right to be happy. I don't feel like I want to stand in his way anymore if that's what he thinks I'm doing. I've stated this before that seeing him and OW together more and more makes it that much easier for me to understand that he's in a totally different place than I am. He has moved on. And he likes the way he feels when he's around her. That is great. He just needs to divorce me first... that is the problem I'm having with him.

He is, in his own way, holding onto me and I'm about ready to do something major to make this end. It is not fair for me to continue to think that we are working on our M (because that's what he said he wanted to do) when he's still inviting OW over for family get togethers. My head can't take that anymore.

[25yearsmlc]

jks

I don't want you to think you MUST stay married, "at all costs" b/c I don't believe that's what this site is about.

You have shared some things I don't recall hearing before, like about how much more cynical he is since becoming a policeman, and how his spiritual life has changed (how is his father's outlook on religion?)

I just urge you to change your timeline, anyhow...

and to make sure you are not disguising a wounded ego w/rehearsed articulate sound bites, about how "he" has changed....and maybe she is the better choice...

if the reality is, you just think divorcing is somehow protecting you from further pain. I don't think it works that way.

But OTOH,


if you get to the point wherein you can say to yourself, "I really tried my very best and dug deep and bravely"

AND you truly turn the marriage, and your anger and pain, over to God--

then Leave the results up to HIM.

No need to rush a decision so fast.

BTW
Truly, I don't believe a cop married to another cop is nearly as long lasting as someone from the outside.

I'm married to an MD and am a L myself. (We married before the careers happened as we were young, and insane).

I used to worry about what another MD would offer h, and I think he wondered similar things about me and how many men I worked around. Maybe there were moments I wished he knew more about my work

but for the most part his work was so different- it enriched my world and I like to think the same about mine in his.

IN any case, what is the rush to be done? Are you that ready to date? Really?

I myself had an INTERNAL timeline so I knew my limbo was not eternal. I chose our first d's high school graduation date as the timeline for me and acted as if THEN the marriage would likely be over. That gave me 2 years to become my best self and "more marketable" so I figured I won either way.

But I didn't file for divorce. I didn't see the advantage maritally OR financially (I checked with a lawyer to make sure, and it benefitted me to wait, so I suggest you do the same)

and in my case it also benefitted our marriage.

Good luck JKS. Truly!

[jks]

I have been reading these boards a lot today and just trying to get my head in a good place.

I went to the gym this morning and picked up the kids at H's parent's house directly after. As I was driving there my hands and arms started to get really tingly. I was getting SUPER anxious. My mood was very disappointed and tense. I decided that today I'm not ready to "act as if." And I felt like that was ok.

I need time to recover from this. When I arrived at his house the kids were already outside but H was not. So I hurried and put them in the car as fast as I could. He came out with their bags and put them in the car while I as walking around to the other side to put S4 in. I hurried and got back in the car and drove off. I never looked at him.

I was in too much of an emotional state to say a word to him, let alone look at him. The kids were happy and upbeat and I was monotone the whole drive home which was a 30 min drive. They offered the information that OW was there with them last night. It never stops hurting. Never.

When I got home I started reading some advice from fellow DB'ers. It was enough to flip something inside of me. The whole rest of my day was AMAZING! I felt like a completely different person. My interaction with my kids was meaningful, fun, and loving.

My D6 and I normally have very conflicting personalities. She is my hard one. I'm realizing more and more that her behavior is the way it is because of ME. I don't give her the attention she deserves. Today was different. And when I felt her starting to act up... my approach was not to yell at her or reprimand her. I decided to put a smile on my face and act silly towards her to help her forget that she even wanted to misbehave. It worked every time!! She respected me so much more because I respected her. I felt like I had conquered such a hard battle that I've been fighting for so long.

I know there is still so much more work to be done in making these changes so they just come naturally from me because I had to be very conscious of my efforts all day. But if I have days like today, EVERYDAY... then those changes are well worth the effort.

I've decided to continue to have as much space from H as possible. This also involves not going down to his city as much as possible. The temptation is too high to want to do drive-by's right now and I literally feel my stomach turn every time I'm even close to that area. So I'm going to try to plan more playdates and activities closer to where I live. (For those of you who don't know... H lives in our old town and so all of my friends and a lot of the things I do are down by him. Including the gym I workout at.)

I'm in recovery mode. I hope and pray that I can stay strong. Sunday was a very weak moment from me and I do not want to have another situation with H like that again.

[reachingHigher]

jks, that sounds so strong and good! I'm happy you are finding a good place again.

And to have an AMAZING day! Wonderful!

It sounds like staying away from the old town, for now, is very good.

You are doing great, recovery mode.

You are insightful with D6. Humor is so great with children! Good job!

[labug]

Going dark/NC is about protecting you-something you need right now. Your emotions are going to continue to flip-flop for a while. Expect it.

About your anxiety, you might look into meditation. It can really help if you practice it.

[BklynMom]

Definitely look into medication. It can help.

This is so hard I know but you are so blessed with healthy children. Glad you were able to enjoy your day with them that is what its all about. Allow yourself to be a kid with them again.

Over the summer I have been having a 12 year old girl on my block come over for an hour or two and play with my girls in the afternoon. I pay her $5. It gives me time to make dinner and just some time away from being at there beckon call, it helps me with my mommy stress.

We are here for you:)

[jks]

Over the summer I have been having a 12 year old girl on my block come over for an hour or two and play with my girls in the afternoon. I pay her $5. It gives me time to make dinner and just some time away from being at there beckon call, it helps me with my mommy stress.

That is such a great idea, Bklyn. And I do have medication... I don't take it regularly because I'm STILL just not used to taking it. I need to be better at this.

Thank you all for your kind words.