I know. I went weeks on this board basically talking to myself and a few other people. Now I am getting the big guns out to help me. I can't afford to waste it.
My best friend tells me that I need "unconditional surrender" from the W. How will I know she is done with OM if I don't ask? Do I wait until she comes to me and tells me?
I am too generous. It goes way beyond the W. I have always been the type to help others financially. It is going to be hard to not jump in and "rescue" the W. She might not even ask me for assistance.
The weakness/sucker in me thinks this is all bad timing. Am I an A-hole if I lay it out now?
407 you see. It is up to your wife to end it with OM. It is up to your wife to start telling the truth. It is up to your wife to want to repair the marriage. It is up to your wife to acknowledge and own her issues.
It is up to you to come to grips with the betrayal. it is up to you to determine and set your boundaries. It is up to you to figure out why you let this happen to you. It is up to you to build your self esteem. It is up to you to determine what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate.
You do not say
"Wife , it is me or the OM."
You say.
"Wife, I have thought deeply about these past few months. I have owned and worked on my issues. I am now at a point where I am mentally strong and able to enforce my non-negotiable boundaries. I have decided that I will not be involved in an open marriage. It is disrespectful to the marriage. It is disrespectful to the children. It is disrespectful to me.
I am moving on from this point. With you or with out you. I know I will be fine either way."
It like if she says you are controlling and forcing her to be with the OM.
"Wife I have battled for our marriage. You have decided to bring a boyfriend into our marriage. You have decided to spend time and money away from our family. You have decided to lie. Not I."
If she says it's my journey , i need to find myself.
"Wife when you and I got married it was no longer just your journey. When we brought children into the world it was no longer just your journey. There are healthy ways to determine your spirit and soul. Such as training for a marathon. Taking classes to further education. Starting new hobbies. Volunteering. That is how you find yourself."
You see. Your problem is that you are not in control of your life or your marriage.
Your wife is.
Marriage is a partnership. Your wife has an affair. Your choice was to then give her 100% control.
Think about that.
That was your choice.
Wife you have disrespected and hurt me like no one else ever has.
So lets go on a trip.
Lets make sure life is as easy as possible for you.
No consequences.
No owning what she did.
Because you are afraid of her.
So you let the tide take you where ever it is going.
The CORE FOUNDATION of DB is to be number one. To back away. Improve yourself. To be the better person.
Nowhere does it say to be a door matt. To be afraid of her anger.
You are now in a state where after 15 years of marriage you will pay alimony for life.
So do you limp along for another 5 years afraid and then get taken to the cleaners.
Do you end it now.
Do you work hard on yourself and establish boundaries. Then determine if you want to remain in the marriage or you both come to the table and determine if you both can save the marriage.
4 choices.
Take off the rose coloured glasses and really look at who you are. Who your wife is. How your marriage was.
From your point of view.
It is valid.
I think you have forgotten that.
Really look at it.
Then decide what you want to do.
And work towards it.
I think you are in a worst state now than when you got the bomb.
All these posters want you to do is to start gaining control of your life again. Be a good person. Be respectful. Be honest. With yourself, with your wife and family. Healthy core values. That you teach to your children.
And some times this requires making some tough decisions.
And developing boundaries.
Growing up and becoming a man.
One who you are comfortable with.
I started to post to you because I see that your self esteem has been destroyed.
My goal is to help rebuild that.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
