Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - Looks Like What

[Valeska19]

Thanks Everyone for the well wishes. I'm really excited about the opportunity.

@AC - I hear ya. I do beat myself a little bit. I hold myself with high expectations.

@Labug - I agree. I definitely feel pressure. Pressure from her and pressure from myself. Neither are good.

@NG - I think I will be fine in S.F. not signing. I just know she will keep up the pressure. Short of telling her to "FO".. I'm really tired of dealing with it.

@ I am ready to fish JS. I know there will be some relief when the papers are signed. But there will be a great sadness.

So how do I get there??"

By being honest with myself. So here we go.

1. I am scared. Scared of seeing her. How she will react. How I will react. Scared that we will never talk again. Scared of the unknown. I am doing my best to minimize my fear.. but it's there... and it's paralyzing.

2. I have NOT let go. If I had.. things wouldn't bother me. And I don't know how.. but I've GOT TO FIGURE IT OUT.

I can't keep letting her get to me. I can't keep having expectations that she can't live up to.

And I can't keep pushing it down. I need to tell her. So I will.. in a letter.. that I won't send at least not now.

I keep starting sentences with I wish.

I wish it wouldn't hurt every time she's passive aggressive with me.

I wish she would respect my friendships on Facebook and not comment on people's lives that are heavily intertwined with mine.

I wish I could detach.

I wish I could move on in my heart.

I wish I would stop hoping that she will treat me the way I treat her.

I wish I wasn't so emotionally confused.

I wish I didn't have to deal with how my negative and abusive relationship f'ed my mine

I wish I wish I wish...

Very few of my wishes have to do with things I can control. The only thing that I can control is "my wishing".

So that's my next step. To stop wishing. Because wishing is not doing. Wishing is allowing a pity party that I've been part of for way to long now.

I'm going to San Francisco. I'm not signing the papers beforehand. I will need time after I sign the papers to process emotions. Signing them now will jeopardize my show.

I will trust in God that there is a reason for our schedule conflicts and for the next 4 wks I will work with him on what that reason is.

With the hope that when I return in August.. I will have stopped wishing so much.. and have started doing more.

[any chance?]

Good decision, V. Go work hard and enjoy wonderful SF. You will return with a new perspective! Good luck, and be positive!!

[needgrace]

Congrats, Val! Your professional opportunities continue to be a testament to how you have grown and who you are. Awesome.

I may be projecting here..... but...

Could W be trying to test the waters? Posting on your friends' sites and how she is on the phone recently.. could she be sticking a toe in to see how warm it is?

Could it be time to be slightly more open to her... test if a tiny amount of warmth in return would result in her coming in further?

I wonder if we can DB too well (act as if and dark) so that they are scared to try..

It seems as if a DB principle is to change things up if they are not working, and I feel as if you still want your M to work...what do you think about changing things up just slightly by being a tiny bit more welcoming of her next email/call?..

of course, you have to decide if that is good for you... no expectations is hard.

Just a thought, Val..

[Valeska19]

@NG

Thanks.. I too believe that the success in my career is coming from the changes I have worked towards.

In regards to W testing the waters...

.. I don't know honestly. My guess is that I don't think so. My experience with her "tests" are always baiting vs. friendly tests.

Overall I am pleasant with her. I am also very careful with her. I did reach out a couple of months ago and I got bit. I won't be asking again.

I will continue to be pleasant and applaud her one percent, but my life is none of her business anymore.

I don't do that to punish her, I do it to protect me. I do it to manage my expectations.

Because I still struggle with my co-dependency.

At the end of the day only time will tell. I'm trying to give it over to God as much as possible. Not try to control the outcome because of my fear.

For example: I got invited to a b-day party tonight. I'm going to go because I told my friend that she should throw something.. and she is.

Last year - I was recently separated and my w wanted to go as well - I told her to go if she wanted to celebrate that's friend's life.

She ended up going.

It may be a repeat this year. It may not. I'll be okay either way.

But she does decide to come, she better watch out. The dress I bought for it is hot!!

[needgrace]

Val,

Love your post!

I'm sure the dress is hot but I think the attitude and confidence expressed in your post is probably even hotter! Way to go!

Hope you have a great time tonight!

[Valeska19]

Journaling a bit in San Fran.

25 asked me recently how I "knew" that I was forgiving my w.

My answer has always been - because I check myself.

With my w, I do my best to chose love over anger. I do my best to not act vs. react. I do my best treat how I want to be treated vs. how my negative feelings want her

To me - that seemed like a person trying to forgive...

But I wonder if the reason I haven't truly detached is because I am not truly forgiving...

... don't get me wrong - I DO think I've taken steps in the right direction...

But why do I get upset with contact? Why do I think the worst of her? Why do I not know when or how to communicate with her?

Why I can't be me around her??

I think of this because I am on a film where the amount of sh!t that is hitting the fan is unbelievable. People are upset and very stressed.. and often I am getting the brunt of it...

.. yet I'm calm. I don't assume the worse of them. I show them grace. And I forgive them easily.

I think this is because I'm not emotional attached to them, but I also know that is who I am becoming...

... so why not with w? She calls me yesterday to tell me about a car insurance piece of mail. She thinks it may be the final check needed to separate finances (I haven't told her that it doesn't matter to me anymore). She doesn't know its most likely confirming the separation of our car insurance.

She asked me to call her back to discuss.

Part of me thinks "that's nice of her to tell me."...

Another other part is "wow.. just another way for her to try to get me to talk about the D.

Another part just questions "why?".

And it is always the 2nd or 3rd reason why I don't contact her.

And maybe if I truly detached and I tried working hard to forgive her... it wouldn't matter what we talked about.

It wouldn't matter if she asked how I was or reached out to my friends.

It wouldn't matter when she is passive aggressive or down right a b!tch.

And it wouldn't matter if this last phone call was a tactic to get me to talk about HER agenda.

And that not caring would be awesome. No more stress for me and I can be myself in alot of ways...

... so why the hesitation?

I think it's because if I want to truly forgive my w... I'm gonna have to work at it.

My truth is my marriage did alot of Damage to me. My w said alot of things that cut me deep...

... and I keep looking for resolution in her works and her changes instead of my own.

And even though I feel that I have changed alot of my behavior to make sure I never enter that kind of relationship again.

I still do alot of blaming. I still feel alot of anger and hurt.

I wonder what would happen if I responded in absolute kindness to every conversation with her.

I feel like it would hurt like hell in the beginning... but doesn't most growth?

It's late and I'm starting to ramble.

I just wonder why I can forgive a colleague who I have not emotional invested in... but can forgive someone who I still continue to chose to love.

What is the madness behind my choice there??

[25yearsmlc]

Journaling a bit in San Fran.

25 asked me recently how I "knew" that I was forgiving my w.

My answer has always been - because I check myself.

With my w, I do my best to chose love over anger. I do my best to not act vs. react. I do my best treat how I want to be treated vs. how my negative feelings want her

To me - that seemed like a person trying to forgive...

But I wonder if the reason I haven't truly detached is because I am not truly forgiving...

... don't get me wrong - I DO think I've taken steps in the right direction...

But why do I get upset with contact? Why do I think the worst of her? Why do I not know when or how to communicate with her?

Why I can't be me around her??

my guess is that you are not done forgiving her or letting the past go

I think of this because I am on a film where the amount of sh!t that is hitting the fan is unbelievable. People are upset and very stressed.. and often I am getting the brunt of it...

.. yet I'm calm. I don't assume the worse of them. I show them grace. And I forgive them easily.

I think this is because I'm not emotional attached to them, but I also know that is who I am becoming...

... so why not with w? She calls me yesterday to tell me about a car insurance piece of mail. She thinks it may be the final check needed to separate finances (I haven't told her that it doesn't matter to me anymore). She doesn't know its most likely confirming the separation of our car insurance.

She asked me to call her back to discuss.

Part of me thinks "that's nice of her to tell me."...

Another other part is "wow.. just another way for her to try to get me to talk about the D.

Another part just questions "why?".


What do you really risk by going with the first response of kindness? Some more mail? Any money?

no...not a thing. Choose the higher road and give her something to live up to and

so what if she doesn't? What does she "owe" YOU NOW? In her world, she has tried to be honest with you and that is worth something...

How about assuming the best of ALL others until you are smashed in the face with the reality of their betrayal?

What's it really cost if you save your inner core for you?

YOU CAN HANDLE THE BETRAYAL, AND MORE

b/c of your journey and growth...

And it is always the 2nd or 3rd reason why I don't contact her.

And maybe if I truly detached and I tried working hard to forgive her... it wouldn't matter what we talked about.

It wouldn't matter if she asked how I was or reached out to my friends.

CORRECT!!! BINGO!!!

It wouldn't matter when she is passive aggressive or down right a b!tch.

And it wouldn't matter if this last phone call was a tactic to get me to talk about HER agenda.

And that not caring would be awesome. No more stress for me and I can be myself in alot of ways...

... so why the hesitation?

I think it's because if I want to truly forgive my w... I'm gonna have to work at it.

My truth is my marriage did alot of Damage to me. My w said alot of things that cut me deep...

... and I keep looking for resolution in her works and her changes instead of my own.

YOU ANSWERED YOUR TOUGHEST QUESTION RIGHT HERE^^^

YOU WANT CHANGE, HANG OUT WITH YOUR MIRROR AND MAKE THE CHANGES IN YOU

And even though I feel that I have changed alot of my behavior to make sure I never enter that kind of relationship again.

I still do alot of blaming. I still feel alot of anger and hurt.

I wonder what would happen if I responded in absolute kindness to every conversation with her.

I feel like it would hurt like hell in the beginning... but doesn't most growth?


WHERE WOULD THAT PAIN COME FROM? YOUR PERCEPTION OF INJUSTICE?

IT'S NOT UP TO US TO METE OUT JUSTICE...THANK GOD...(literally)

It's late and I'm starting to ramble.

I just wonder why I can forgive a colleague who I have not emotional invested in... but can forgive someone who I still continue to chose to love.

What is the madness behind my choice there??

Hope this helps and I hope the film folks start using their mirrors too. Are you the AD for this one too?

That sounds so great but obviously has a downside. I'm guessing your calm centered focus will be appreciated more down the road than you realize.

Karma works my friend. You'll get some goodness and kindness in your life soon, and if it's not from your ex, well

so?

There are other people in the world who will affirm you and share your light.

[JustStunned]

Val, I understand for I also have similar moments. We were intertwined tightly with our spouses. Unwinding those bonds and letting go will take more effort and time. Keep doing what you've been doing you'll get there. Remember these words posted not so long ago?

You have planted the seeds, take a moment to smell the roses. IMO - There is nothing wrong with admiring the growth of your flowers.

Your aplomb will be remembered and appreciated.

[Valeska19]

Hope this helps and I hope the film folks start using their mirrors too. Are you the AD for this one too?

Yes ma'am it's quite the challenge. I feel I'm handling it pretty good.. but we will see when I shoot on open waters next week.

I'm not sure they will start looking in the mirror. The more I practice grace and love.. the more obvious it becomes that we live in a world full of fear.

Fear of trying.. fear of failing.. sometimes even fear of succeeding. I do my best to make it an emotionally safe place on set. That is the best I can do.

That sounds so great but obviously has a downside. I'm guessing your calm centered focus will be appreciated more down the road than you realize.

Yes. It can get tiresome. Sometimes I try to show grace too much and not express myself. But for the most part.. I really enjoy the new direction my life has turned.

It's funny.. I don't really act that way or do things expecting something in return.

Except here:

You'll get some goodness and kindness in your life soon, and if it's not from your ex, well

so?

That I struggle with. I'm still learning to let go of that "hope".

One foot in front of the other. I know I'll get there.

[Valeska19]

One more thing I suppose.

Today would have been my 6 yr wedding anniversary. Not much to say about it.

I spent a moment thinking about that day this morning. It made me smile. After all this.. it still was one of the best days of my life.

But other than that... I didn't think about it much. It was just another good day. I was in a good mood and laughed alot.

I felt very much at peace.

Clearly much has changed since last year.

It's days like today when I can see how far I have truly traveled in the past 15 months.