Am I kidding myself.

[TSquared2]

If you get the response, just say thanks and put it away without reading it

Forgot to add: "in front of her. Then take it home and study it, study yourself, past and present, determine what is true, what is not, what you want to change, what you will not, etc"

[Hopefull2]

Jack, I have quoted you at least a half dozen times this week, "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B". How true that is. Just to add to my stress a month after we separated my job gave an ultimatum that to keep our jobs we were moving out of state. When the time came to decide i just was not in an emotional state where i could say i was willing to move. I felt if i had i would be giving up on DBing and thus giving up on any hope of reconcilliation. So, Jack, I keep working through Plan B, C, D.... in my head. No matter what the plan my pay will not be nere what i am giving up. This may be the stupidest financial decision i have ever made.

Had an iteresting talk with MIL. She tells me to not give up, that she senses it's not over on my W's part. Encouraging but still does not change what i need to do. Keep detaching, stop pursuing and focusing on myself and improvements i need to make. I am trying to "go dim" in that when i was going to our old social groups it was taking a huge emotional toll on me the next few days so i have backed away from these. Which is hard because that is where a large group of my friends are.

Can someone give a brief summary of Co-Dependence? I have seen this used in several posts just not sure the true meaning. I am thinking it is an "unhealthy" dependence on ones spouse, not being an individual. Is not this somewhat expected and normal in a marriage?

[Hopefull2]

Just need to post . I have went on a vacation with friends and family that the wife and I have done together for many years. Being in familiar places I am missing my W. I want to call her so badly but I know that is no what would be best.

Be strong, have faith in DB principles, work on self and detatch. Give her the space she needs.

[Hopefull2]

Need some opinions. I am seriously considering moving out of state to keep my job but am concerned what effect this might have on my DB'ing efforts. If I am already detaching and not perusing, how will adding the distance between us change things?

[Hopefull2]

Have not been posting for awhile but still strugling through.

Accepted transfer out of state. Had discussion/email with W and she understands and agrees it is my best option. I still am not sure it is "our" best option....

I continue to work on me with GAL and accepting the state we are in. I am trying not to persue but seems like when i initiate conversation or email and open up my heart she responds in kind??? She has admitted that she does feel lonely at times.

Is it wrong to "persue/initiate" if it seems to be received well? I move out of state in January and will be traveling a fair bit up to then. I feel time is short and want to take advantage of every opportunity but in doing so am i showing impatience, presureing...

[TSquared2]

Hi Hopeful,
I don't think this pursue/dark thing is always an "all or nothing game"...sometimes it seems more of a "dance"...test where W is at, lightly pursue, see what happens...then either back-off or take another tiny step forward, depending on her reaction. FWIW, I have been letting W lead the dance for the most part, as she changes I re-evaluate, and do the above...kinda like a light dimmer switch (which has been getting a lot of use).

Main thing is to NOT show or project (e.g., when on phone) impatience or desperation...detach.

Maybe this re-location will help you detach, new locale, people, etc. A whole new world of GAL, if you take advantage of it, make lemonade....

Has MIL made any comments about things and the new changes (re-location), you mentioned her before...?

T^2

[TSquared2]

To see if I can add anything more useful, maybe some more information catch up from your last post regarding you and W interactions, etc?

T^2

[reachingHigher]

Hi Hopeful, how are things going for you?

[Hopefull2]

T2, thanks as always for the insight. I really do struggle with the concept of not initiating with W. I appreciate the analogy to a dance and I need to continue to be very observant to her reactions. I do want to back off and allow her the space she needs, and feel i have, but I also want to communicate through my actions, and sometimes through no action that I do care.

I have been working and house hunting in my new city and have been reading and studying Denver 2010 sitch. Emotional on both fronts.

Before I left out of town i had somewhat jokingly asked my W if she would cook me some food for my upcoming hunting trip. She blew me away with a picture text of four meals she has put in her freezer for me. She hates my hunting.....

I wanted to write her a letter while out here but have not been in the best mental state to do so. One piece of advice I am sticking with is that all actions need to be thought out and purposeful....

Thanks all for the thoughts and for sharing your sitch's for us all to learn from.

[Hopefull2]

RH, thank you for asking.

Well I may have gone against DB principals but maybe not?? Understanding and discerning what is the best path forward is so confusing. I flew back home today and have only had a few contacts, via text, while I have been out of town. By intent I let my W initiate contact then I would converse freely about small stuff. After arriving while driving home I texted with W and stepped out and asked her if I could buy her dinner. She was busy at the time but indicated she would call me when she was done. Just for clarity we are separated and she has her own condo but we have had periodic face time together either with our social group or with family events. I have asked her to dinner before but have tried very hard to not push or seem desperate. Well we did meet for dinner and it was an enjoyable evening. I kept the conversation lite and made it a goal that she would look back at the dinner in a positive light. I felt i succeeded.

Even though my W has not said she wants to work on M she has said we need to work on being friends. I continually ask myself if a friendship is all we get back if i would be ok with that? I must say that several months ago my answer was no, all or nothing. Today, ???