Moved his stuff out..

[hopingandpraying]

Thank you for your input everyone! Sorry I have not responded. I have been doing a lot of GAL activities.

Well, my H came over yesterday to pick up the rest of his things and I even helped him...never thought I would do that. We caught up for like 10 mins and then when he was leaving he asked if we were going to talk the legal stuff of the divorce.

I just said "If you want the divorce then go get it..." He then suggested some online site to get divorced and I said ummm no. I am not getting divorced through an online site...it just seems weird and sketchy to me.

Then, after he left, he texted me asking if I found this picture frame and I said no it should be in your boxes. I then texted back to him and apologized to him for something that he said that I ssid that hurt him and I broke down and told him that I still don't think this is exactly the right thing to do because we were in a marriage and you work through everything, but then ended it with "I have moved on from you and hope that you find that true happiness you are looking for."

He actually responded with a really long text back:
"Ive been sitting here trying to find places to put all of this stuff and trying to figure out what to say to his. Of course I forgive you for that stuff and im sure many people would respond in the same way you did. I was just completely blind-sided by it. I know that I messed up and it really does hurt me that I hurt you and messed up even more of those trust issues that you have. I wil tell you that there are guys out there that are good and that you can trust and know this bc I used to think I wasa one of them but our unhappiness got the best of me I guess. I don't know how you don't think this is the right thing to do? It bothers me when you say that and makes me feel worse inside for a number of reasons but mainly I guess bc after all of this you can say that. I know ur not the type to back down but I cheated on you and we weren't happy. I would never allow myself to even go back to you bc of that bc its not fair to either one of us especially you. As for me, I hope I too find that true happiness and I thrive off it. I guess time will tell. I wish and hope the best for you, I really do mean that!"

I, of course, cried after he left and after this text. I know we're pretty much done, but I still don't want it! He still wants this divorce...

[Accuray]

HopingAndPraying,

You are a wonderful woman and a treasure to be cherished. I'm sorry your H is so closed off. I wish there was something I could do to make it better.

Accuray

[LIO]

Ouch...

It will get better. Have faith in that - it will get better.

His text brought back a painful convo with my H, almost word for word. I don't think that even now, just one month later, after my H moved out he would most likely not say those words again. The hurt and fear and anger need to subside, then clarity will come...eventually.

[2chiquitos]

Your H talks a lot like mine. As hurt as I am by his betrayal and as focused on him as I am, I am going to remind you to detach. I am working on it and it's not easy. I learned that some people can detach right away, for others it takes a while longer. For me, after 1yr, I still can't say I'm detached. I hate it that I can't!

Thinking of you...

[Breakdown]

I haven't read all your prior threads, but that text seems to shed some light on things. I had a buddy of mine who divorced 7-8 years ago that seems to mirror what he said here. In my buddy's case, they weren't happy, he had an affair, and she wanted to work it out. He came back an said, "something's missing....I had an affair for a reason. We can't just keep going." I always tell him that he got it half right. Yeah, he had an affair for a reason, but figuring out that reason and addressing it could have fixed his marriage...and his wife wanted to! I think he still wishes he could go back....and I wish he would have addressed the problems, because I think he still lives with them in his new marriage.

Some of it may be guilt...it certainly sounds like it. Forgiveness can be a huge gift, but you have to be willing to give it to yourself.

Hang in there....I'll echo what veroprado said....try to detach and GAL. You can do it!

[hopingandpraying]

Thank you for your input and support!!!

I am really good at GAL because even with my H I was always doing things and keeping myself busy. I joined a Friday vball league (which is new), am planning a lot of girl get togethers, and am hanging out and people new people and guys!! I am also starting to run and work out more!

I am not very good at detaching. I still think about my H a lot and wish we were together, working on things. He did notice again how nice I was when I helped him move because he told one of our mutual friends that I was really nice and helped him and it kills him that I can still be this nice person after everything he has done. AND he only called this friend back, because I suggested that he call him, because I know that this mutual friend misses hanging out with my H, but I think my H just felt weird contacting him, because of our situation. So I hope my H, for his sake, will continue working on his R with this friend!

He also noticed a new tattoo that I got on my wrist...he was really surprised by it...especially in a place that is visible to people. I only have one other tattoo (that the two of us got together :() but it's on my hip and can only be seen in a bathing suit. He still did not say anything about my highlighted hair...whatever though! Haha!

He did text me the other day asking if I found this picture he was looking for and I said I would look when I got home...I texted him that I did not find it and that it should be in one of his boxes and he did not respond.

I also responded to a a text about the divorce proceedings because he wanted me to look at this website and paperwork, which I did, and told him that I did and said that I didn't want to argue about this or our divorce proceedings because we have never been the argumentative or fighting people...that we should compromise on things like we always have! (That was the only text I sent him, because he initiated the texting) He, responded with, "Give me a little bit. I'm getting ready for work. I'll text you later." ...That was three days ago and he's had the whole weekend off.

I still don't understand what is going through his head. I wish I could get inside there.

As for my weekend, it was great! I hung out with friends, went to an AMAZING concert, and even went on a date on Friday, which was good. The guy is enjoyable and I had fun, but I was honest with him and said that I only want to meet new people and make friends....that I didn't want anything serious. He understood and are going to continue our friendship. It still felt weird to not be with my H! Oh well though, life goes on and will continue getting better!

[hopingandpraying]

I'm at a crossroad...

My H still has not texted me back from a week ago regarding how he would like to file/settle this divorce. I have not texted or emailed him at all regarding the matter either. Deep down in my heart I still want to be with my H and the man he used to be...

I know he has stated that he wants this divorce and I should not think otherwise. I'm just not sure why he won't text me back about going in and actually filing together and figuring it out.

I know that he has tonight and tomorrow off and a part of me wants to say hey, let's meet discuss what we're going to do and get this over with...either way! Even though I am moving on with my life, a part of me is still in limbo because in order to fully move on (for myself) I feel as if I should have free reign to date and have an open heart to whomever I date.

So, pretty much I'm not sure if I should text him and just say something of the sort of "Are we doing this? How are we going to settle this?" It's been almost 6 months of relatively no contact and I have never once in this 6 mos asked him to come back or rethink his decision since the first couple days he left...

I'm just torn and obviously not detached from him... I wish I was stronger!

[greatwhitenorth]

Don't do it!!
It's a boat he needs to steer.
When/if my H brings up divorce I will tell him to do what he has to do. I will not pay for it and I will not participate in filing jointly but I also will not stand in his way by contesting.

DO NOT do this work unless a divorce is what you want.

IMHO anyway.....

[vera be fierce]

You reached out, let him respond (if he wants to). Do you want to stay or are you ready to leave? If you are 100% sure you want to leave (and the wanting to leave part of you that is talking in your head today is not just an emotional reaction to him not getting back to you - wounded ego, etc.), then do what you think is right. What do you think is right?

[hopingandpraying]

Thanks for the quick responses!

Verab--the wanting to leave is not an emotional reaction because he did not text back. It's more of...what am I doing here? Am I 'holding on' in a way to something that will never come back? I just don't know how long is not long enough or too long to wait around...

Most days (90%) of the time, I really don't think about what my H is doing and thinking. I'm living my life GALing, meeting new people, and joining new things. I have been happier in a lot of ways these past few months.

I'm still just missing that part from him...