So much has happened since Friday, I can't begin to say how much posting on this board has helped both me and my H. On Saturday we went to the library to pick up Divorce Busting (which our therapist "prescribed" for H - just to be loud and clear to my friend Ellie!) While at the library I searched for The Sex Starved Marriage and couldn't find it. On the way home, I suggested we go to Chapters because I really wanted to buy the book and told H that I would really like to read it together, rather than read it seperately. So, on Saturday night we snuggled up and read the first chapter, taking turns every couple of pages. We both really enjoyed it.
The next day, we were doing our typical lazy Sunday "thing"; I was watching a movie with our D3.5 and S19months, and H was at the computer. I nervously glanced over wondering if he had discovered this website yet... and to my surprise and relief, he did! I watched the movie and just let him explore and hopefully find my thread. Well, at least an hour later, I was walking past him into the kitchen when he stopped me and asked if I had become a member here. I smiled and said yes. He then showed me this thread and told me how uncanny it was how similar LDWife was to me! I giggled and said it is because I AM her! So, he spent a great amount of time reading and digesting the thread. Afterwards, he did a search for my nickname just to see if there were other posts from me that he should read. He came across Ellie's "bashing" and asked if I had read these. I hadn't, and I was upset by the things I read. I have responded appropriately.
My H decided to become a member, and started typing up a post offline. He was contemplating starting a new thread. He ended up writing a letter to me and told me he was afraid that I might get mad after I read it, but while we're being so completely blunt and honest, he might as well get things off his chest too. I was a little worried, but read. I was so incredibly moved and touched by his words, and couldn't understand how he could have feared a negative reaction. We discussed everything and he admitted to me that he felt confused while reading Allies In Healing. He wasn't sure where he fit in. Was he an Ally or an Abuser? It became perfectly clear that he had been both and he really GOT it this time. He validated my feelings by saying that all these years he'd been listening to me, but he just wasn't HEARING what I was telling him.
He mentioned how surprised he was by my posts. He had no idea how close I was to giving up on him. He thanked me for carrying the burden of our sexual crisis for so long and told me how proud of me he was. He knew I was a strong and determined woman when we met, but now he really knew it! I explained to him that last month, when he had apologized (so genuinely) I thought he was where he is today. That is why I was so devasted and unsure of our future. He understands finally and we're working together now as a team rather than opponents. It's a wonderful feeling and I can't wait for him to get home today.
