Hello everyone, First i'd like to thanks all of you for the info I got from this site over the last two years since my wife had her EA and I became aware of her MLC. I'm a new member and this is my first post but I've read many of your stories and advice and my heart goes to all of you for your courage and willingness to keep on trying when all seems so dark. I, myself, have decided to stand by the woman I love and not to take her Monster days personally. Over the last few years, we had many downs but the last year was mostly ups and we'd even started planning a new life together, all of it her idea (no pushing from me). In the last year, she'd also told me, more and more, that she loved me and thanked me many times for "sticking with her". Two months ago, i left the country where we live with our daughter8 to go for my daughter's first visit with my parents/family and my Wife had to stay behind for financial reasons (she had met my family 9 years before on our honey moon). Before leaving, I told her i was a bit worried considering what we'd been through over the previous few years, and she hugged me and told me not to worry, that everything was fine. We parted in a lover's departure with long passionate kisses. Two weeks into my holiday back home, i got an email from my wife telling me that she had put a lot of thought into it and that she couldn't live with me anymore. She wanted to separate. Having already had to deal with this over the last few years, and with the benefit of a lot of info gathered over the last few years, I kept my cool and didn't go on the begging wagon. We talked about it (chatting) maturely and it turns out she says that she'd wanted to do this for a long time but each time she'd tried in the past, I had convinced her otherwise. That's why she had to do it online while i was out of the country for 2 months. She also said that she didn't really want a divorce but would give it to me if I wanted it. We've maintained contact over the last month because of our daughter and everything is now very civil, with even a touch of humour in our chats. I've done a lot of introspection and started taking care of myself, and trying to move on (as is mostly recommended in everything I read here and elsewhere). I think that overall, I've got a good grasp of what i need to do. Be Kind (to her and to myself), Be patient, detachment and release (let her go). She will be moving out of our house and getting a room so I suggested that for the sake of the kid, she get a room nearby so she can often come and share a meal with the girl and even come around to tell her bed time stories. This way we can try to maintain a semblance of family life for the girl. To this, my wife agreed readily. I must say that in my view, we had always had a very respectful relationship and strong family life. Now, here is the problem. I'm returning in two weeks and my wife offered to pick us up at the airport in the city where her mom lives (which is where we left from but not where we live). We'll then be travelling together by train to the city where we live after spending the night at her mom's. We'd always had a very satisfying and active sex life and I'm worried that she might put the moves on me when we meet again. Afterall, it has been a few months for both of us (at least I hope) and our chats have always been very friendly with no arguments. I think i know what I need to do if she comes on to me but I'd like to hear your comments, experiences and advice on this.
Thanks a whole lot.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
you're doing really well by not pressuring her. Keep it up. As for ML during the road trip, that's really up to you. Other's may be able to give you better advice.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I guess that's all out the window now. The other day, as she was chatting with D8 in her own language, she asked her to get me and then switched to English saying the following (which i think was clearly meant as a message for me):
W- i ll tell u a story W- once upon a time there was a sad scarecrow W- he was sad because everytime he moved the birds were scared W- so he stopped moving for a while and the birds came around W- but then he got tired of not moving W- so what do you think he should do? W- he wanted the birds but he wanted to move so he decided W- sometimes he moved and sometimes he just stopped hehe W- the end
Me- He could talk to the birds?
W- he cant talk hehe
Me- if a scarecrow can move, surely he can talk?
W- hehe mine is mute
Me- or he could just sway with the wind, the way trees do until the birds get used to him
W- (change topic)
Then today, she dropped another bomb. She's not meeting us at the airport anymore. Something else came up. My D8 was gutted and acted up all day, not knowing how to take this. After 2 months away, you'd think that this might be kind of a priority, wouldn't you? I told W it was ok, that we'd manage and tried not to put any pressure or guilt on her but after having tried all day to calm my girl down, I think she's downright selfish. Don't take me wrong, I'm not giving up but my heat is hardening and I'm having a harder time excusing her behaviour in front of D8. I also feel let down but I guess this just tells me that i should not trust anything she tells me. How do I get through this? Why is it that every time i Think I know what to do and how to behave, she throws something at me to push me off-course?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Let it go. Our WAS will do things that hurt our kids but unfortunately we need to continue to back off. I can't stand that they involve the kids this way but I have no control over it.
Thinking back on my sitch, my kids will always know he left them when I needed him the most, days before D1 was born. So when our kids have kids they will feel resentment. Hopefully they will learn to forgive WAS but that is their issue to deal with, their relationship.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Yeah, I want to try to avoid D8 from feeling resentment. I always try to paint what her mom does with a different colour. Besides, there might be some reasons/valid excuses. She might feel just as anxious as I do about meeting again after 2 months apart and after her dumping me while I was away. The way it is now, I got her to book us plane tickets so we can fly directly to the city where we live. I'm still not sure if she's going to be there at the airport but I try not to expect anything and I also want to ask as little as possible from her.
1) not to put too much on her plate 2) not to build up my expectations
The way I see things now, I'm going to get there, all smiles and all "as if" I was ok with everything. I'll drop D8 with W for a few days and go out of town
1)to avoid awkward moments while they are getting reacquainted 2)to establish some sort of "no contact" which she probably doesn't expect 3)perhaps create a bit of mystery 4)so she can see first hand how difficult it is to be alone with a Daughter who is constantly making reference to the better days we had together and who constantly asks about when is the next time we'll do stuff as a family together. 5) to sort out my mind and figure our how to regain strength 6) Simply to give myself a holiday where i don't need to pick up the broken glass scattered by W around D.
4 days left before we get there. Any other advice on how i should handle things? Thanks again
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
This is it. I'm off tomorrow. Back to a home i left 2 months ago, a happy husband with dreams and plans, only to be an ex upon my arrival. I'm very anxious and scared of what I'll see, say and do. I feel strong now but I'm afraid i'll fall when I see her again. Afterall, it has been 2 months and i am still in love. God help me.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
It looks like my stuff doesn't get posted for some reason. No worries, I guess it's still a relief just to write this stuff down and get it out. I finally got home at the end of our 2-month trip, and 6 weeks after being dumped by e-mail. My W managed to meet me and D8 at the airport and i have to say i had all sorts of stories in my head as to how it would go and it ended up just being...nice. Of course D8 ran to meet her mom and hugs and kisses were exchanged and I put on a brave face. In fact, for the last 2 days that it had taken by plane and at airports, just to get where we were, I had come up with a mantra in my head:"There is no past and there is no future, just the present". This helped me not anticipate the worst, or the best possible scenario. Before coming up with the mantra, I'd imagine W hugging me and then kissing me tenderly telling me what a fool she had been and that she loved me more than ever. On the other hand, the next scenario had her picking me up with her lover, who I was expected to be friendly with. of course, none of this happened and I was glad that W came to me (I'd also cone a lot of meditation on the way and displayed ...poise) smiling my best smile, but not too much, she then gave me a nice hug, which I returned and which she kept much longer than was needed to make me feel better. That part really was nice. Then we exchanged platitudes about the trip while walking to the car and she asked me if I'd had a nice holiday. What was there to say? Two weeks into this holiday, she herself emailed me that she didn't want to be married with me anymore and left me with that. OK, we'd been going through what I think is an MLC for nearly 2 years but still. I was shocked. Then, before saying too much, I realise that she was probably as nervous as i was and was saying anything so I didn't say too much and answered that it hadn't been the greatest holiday but that a lot of good had come out of it. The drive home was quiet but no problems arose which is always good. We got home, put the girl to bed and then (silly me!!!) I said that hopefully we could talk about this at some point when she is ready. To this she asked if it was necessary and i said that I needed it to have some sort of closure and she said she was ready. I got scared and started to talk about our living arrangements and there it got a bit funny when I told her that I wasn't going back to my job but decided to do what i'd always wanted to do. Play music for a living (which was had been our plan before the holiday - she's also a musician and we had an act together and one of the reasons for her leaving was for her to get more freedom to work on her career). I said I realised that my income would go down but that my D8 and myself could manage well enough but that she (W) would probably need to contribute a bit. She got a bit mad and was about to call me all the names in the book but then, I think she realise she had no rights to do as she, herself was doing just this. after a few tears, she told me she was shocked and that she wasn't expecting that (I'm not nearly as good as the music thing as she is) but that it was her fault for thinking tht i would cover all the expenses. Then we started talking about the logistics of things and things got a bit sour as we realised that 2 households to pay for is more difficult to manage than just one. In the end, she left by bicycle for the room she rents a few kilometers away. She seemed frustrated and unhappy. Part of me looked at this as a victory but after thinking about it again, I felt sad, that i had just put the woman i love through this.
It would be great to hear your comments, if this gets posted someday. Sorry. It's just that I feel like I'm talking/writing to a wall.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
