Quote: I feel loved when: I am shown appreciation and affection. I am romanced and wanted, trusted, listened to, and my feelings are validated
There is nothing wrong with your needs. From "His Needs/Her Needs" book, here are the top 5 needs for the average woman:
Affection Conversation Honesty and Openness Financial Support Family Commitment
Put a heavy emphasis on #1 and 2.
THIS IS NORMAL. But now to understand your husband, your safest assumption is that these are NOT HIS NEEDS. Here are the needs of the average man (from the same book as above):
SEXUAL FULLFILLMENT Recreactional Companion Physical Attractiveness Domestic Support Admiration
HIS NEEDS ARE NORMAL AS WELL. The trick her is to find a solution for BOTH spouses to get their needs met. I can tell you that if he is HD, then almost all of his needs will focus around #1 Sexual Fullfillment. THIS IS NOT SEX!! He could have sex with a hooker. What he probably wants is to have sex with someone that DESIRES to have sex with him. This is the TOUGH part, finding the desire, and there is no easy answer. Read Corri's Link and you will find many suggestions.
Yesterday I finally felt there was hope for me to move forward in our relationship and work at it. After supper we were sitting in the livingroom and he asked if I wanted to talk about anything. I didn't, so I asked if he did. He mentioned that he's felt good for the past few weeks and isn't necessarily going to cancel his therapy, but doesn't think he needs it. He thinks he's figured everything out and he knows what he has to do. He also went on to say that it's all about me and how I feel. I wasn't sure how to take that. I just listened and was saddened that my fears were coming to light. I was afraid he wouldn't think his past behaviour was a huge problem. I was afraid he'd think the only change he has to make is to give me control of our sex life. I was very afraid he wouldn't finish the books our therapist suggested. I wish my appointment were today! I guess you could say that I need to forget about what he's doing and just concentrate on changing myself right?
Ellie: Thanks, I will read that book.
Corri: Good luck with your project, I hope you get it finished. I have been following your thread, and trying very hard to visualize doing those things. Because I was somewhat ready to WA, I haven't been very intimate with H. I'm awkward right now and need to ease into showing affection slowly, I think.
CeMar: Thank you. The his needs/her needs makes alot of sense. He must be focused on Sexual Fullfillment because the rest of his needs are being met, or so he claims!
So much has happened since Friday, I can't begin to say how much posting on this board has helped both me and my H. On Saturday we went to the library to pick up Divorce Busting (which our therapist "prescribed" for H - just to be loud and clear to my friend Ellie!) While at the library I searched for The Sex Starved Marriage and couldn't find it. On the way home, I suggested we go to Chapters because I really wanted to buy the book and told H that I would really like to read it together, rather than read it seperately. So, on Saturday night we snuggled up and read the first chapter, taking turns every couple of pages. We both really enjoyed it.
The next day, we were doing our typical lazy Sunday "thing"; I was watching a movie with our D3.5 and S19months, and H was at the computer. I nervously glanced over wondering if he had discovered this website yet... and to my surprise and relief, he did! I watched the movie and just let him explore and hopefully find my thread. Well, at least an hour later, I was walking past him into the kitchen when he stopped me and asked if I had become a member here. I smiled and said yes. He then showed me this thread and told me how uncanny it was how similar LDWife was to me! I giggled and said it is because I AM her! So, he spent a great amount of time reading and digesting the thread. Afterwards, he did a search for my nickname just to see if there were other posts from me that he should read. He came across Ellie's "bashing" and asked if I had read these. I hadn't, and I was upset by the things I read. I have responded appropriately.
My H decided to become a member, and started typing up a post offline. He was contemplating starting a new thread. He ended up writing a letter to me and told me he was afraid that I might get mad after I read it, but while we're being so completely blunt and honest, he might as well get things off his chest too. I was a little worried, but read. I was so incredibly moved and touched by his words, and couldn't understand how he could have feared a negative reaction. We discussed everything and he admitted to me that he felt confused while reading Allies In Healing. He wasn't sure where he fit in. Was he an Ally or an Abuser? It became perfectly clear that he had been both and he really GOT it this time. He validated my feelings by saying that all these years he'd been listening to me, but he just wasn't HEARING what I was telling him.
He mentioned how surprised he was by my posts. He had no idea how close I was to giving up on him. He thanked me for carrying the burden of our sexual crisis for so long and told me how proud of me he was. He knew I was a strong and determined woman when we met, but now he really knew it! I explained to him that last month, when he had apologized (so genuinely) I thought he was where he is today. That is why I was so devasted and unsure of our future. He understands finally and we're working together now as a team rather than opponents. It's a wonderful feeling and I can't wait for him to get home today.
Thank you Lina I sure hope so. We read Chapter 2 together and then he gave me a nice massage because I had a sore neck all day. We ML and snuggled to sleep, naked! Haven't done that (no pj's) in quite a while! He asked me first thing this morning if I wanted to ML and I was so proud of him and in love with this new H that we did.
I knew it would be totally different once he really understood what makes me tick. Pheuw!
Thanks for caring Lina. I sincerely hope things get better with your H soon.
Attagirl!! Seems like you have muddled through on your own, and that beats anything I or anyone could tell you. The best way to learn something is to do it yourself.
The two of you are going to go through some highs and some lows... he may even overwhelm you at times. But before you get angry, try the honest and direct approach with him, tell him how you are feeling, and just simply ask him to slow down.
The 'anger' that you feel sometimes will fade if you just give yourself a minute to relax, and he can slow down to your pace. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't, but whatever you do, just keep trying.
Like some of the HDs on my thread have said, if you say 'not tonight,' try to set a time in the near future to follow up with him. And then follow through on it, even if you don't feel like it. More often than not, if you can just relax and pay attention to what is going on, you can 'get in the mood' in fairly short order.
Continue reading that book, and don't let your husband off the hook by not seeing a counselor. It's real easy not to go back when things seem to be on the up swing. But like I said before, you're going to have some ups and downs before things start to even out... the counselor will help you with strategies on getting through the tough spots. Plus, when you are on an 'up' cycle, it is much easier to talk about problems, and to take constructive criticism.
All the best to you... I'm glad the two of you are reading the SSM book together!!
LDWife, I think it's time to change your username!!
It's really fantastic that you both are reading The Sex-Starved Marriage together to help gain greater understanding of each of your feelings. It's very important to remember to work hard at being empathetic and doing real giving in marriage. For those who haven't yet read the book, I will define real giving.
People tend to give to one another in the way they like to receive. But that's NOT real giving. For example, if when you're down and out, you prefer to solve problems alone, you're likely to give your spouse "space" when s/he is feeling bad. But your spouse may be a person who really likes it when you ask, "What's wrong," "Can we talk?" So, when you leave your spouse alone, you're projecting onto him or her your needs. But that's not real giving.
Real giving is when you give your spouse what s/he needs and wants whether you understand, like or agree with it or not. You do it because good marriages are based on mutual caretaking.
This doesn't mean that you have sex each and every time your husband wants or that he never, ever initiates sex. This means that you both try hard to consider each other's feelings and stretch yourselves, even if you're not always in the mood to do so.
It sounds like you're both doing that wonderfully. I'm glad that this board and the book have helped. Keep up the great work! Keep DBing! You're on your way to being real successes! Michele
LD, Corri gave you some really good advice...listen to her! There will be so many ups and downs on this journey you will start to wonder if you are on a rollercoaster.
Just keep at it and try to think of this as a fresh start. If I could give you one word of advice, I would choose "consistency". Try to always be consistent with your sex life; there is nothing worse than living through these great sex-filled highs only to have them followed by a drought.
Good luck to you and keep us posted on your progress.
Corrie: Thank you and yes, we have promised to be honest and direct from now on. I am guilty of the not following through everytime I postponed sex. I will definitely work on that!
We read Chapter 3 lastnight and both of us are really enjoying our shared reading. H actually had told me that I misunderstood his statement about the therapy. He has every intention of continuing his sessions, as do I.
My prior posts may have sounded like I didn't take much responsibility, but believe me, that was never the case! I have tons of work to do on myself - I just posted what was burdening my mind! Some may not understand this or agree with it, but I really needed H to acknowledge *our* problem before I felt like I could put much effort into wanting to improve *our* sexual relationship. Going through the third chapter, there were so many categories I fit into that were possibly causing my low desire. Anyway, I have every intention of killing my sexual demons... that's the hard work part
Michele: Thank you so much for your comments! I agree I was thinking about my username yesterday actually! I think I must have been an LD-wannabe!? LOL *sigh* I was so confused. Thank goodness I found your website before giving up.
Honeypot: Yes, this is our fresh start for sure! I have etched your consistency tip in my brain - and will try to always keep it in mind.
Thank you to all who participated in this thread. I will pop in and keep you posted!
Quote: I am guilty of the not following through everytime I postponed sex.
I will tell you as a HD person that when you post pone and then don'f follow up. That is absolutely the most damaging thing that happens. We can deal with a no but when some one says not tonight but I will walk you up in the morning and you know what. Then that doesnt happen and you sit and wonder way. Then if this is repeated often. You start thinking wow my Spouse doesn't give a Damn about my needs pretty soon as a HD the resentment starts to set in and it difficult to start taking care of there needs.
and isn't necessarily going to cancel his therapy, but doesn't think he needs it. He thinks he's figured everything out and he knows what he has to do. He also went on to say that it's all about me and how I feel. I wasn't sure how to take that. I just listened and was saddened that my fears were coming to light. I was afraid he wouldn't think his past behaviour was a huge problem. I was afraid he'd think the only change he has to make is to give me control of our sex life. I was very afraid he wouldn't finish the books our therapist suggested. I wish my appointment were today! I guess you could say that I need to forget about what he's doing and just concentrate on changing myself right? 
I sure hope so. We read Chapter 2 together and then he gave me a nice massage because I had a sore neck all day. We ML and snuggled to sleep, naked! Haven't done that (no pj's) in quite a while! He asked me first thing this morning if I wanted to ML and I was so proud of him and in love with this new H that we did.
