I'm a new person

[2chiquitos]

Yankeeee!!!!! Good to hear from you!

Tell me more. I don't think I understand - it helps the process of breaking down the old patterns - Tell me more.

[LITB]

Thanks LITB. I decided that we are going to lunch on Sat (28th) to celebrate D1s and my bday. I invited my mom, younger bro and fiance, H as well. H is invited his mom and bro and sis. I feel so much better about this

I am glad to hear that you made something work that you feel comfortable with.

I did a DB act today I wanted to share.
When H opened his glove compartment I saw what looked like his shaving kit bag (was his camera case). I was quiet when I walked away from the car. He asked what was wrong and I told him. (not angry) and said, it's ok, it's none of my business. He quickly showed it to me. I said, sorry. I saw him before he drove off. He sat in the car and rubbed his face. He does this when he's stressed.

I realized how much I stress him out with I assume or confront him. I'm actually doing the same thing my bro and sis are doing to me, adding stress that I can't handle.

I called and said, I understand how you feel. You feel guilty about everything that happened and when I called you out on the case I reminded you of how you lost my trust, hence more guilt.

He really like this and reminded me AGAIN! that his focus is the kids. (I get it! believe me I get it!!)

I think this was a good example of detachment. I truly understand his sitch from an outsiders perspective.

I fixed it for you. Let him deal with his own emotions without interjecting.

Did the camera case (shaving kit case) affect you emotionally?

How about what he said about his focus being on your kids? Did that sting?

Do you calculate your words/actions while interacting with your H(walking on eggshells)?

I ask these questions to get a gauge on your detachment.

To be honest, I'm having doubts about going on this family trip. I'm not going to say anything but it's interesting that this was one of my goals and now... It's not. A family trip if he wanted R would be nice. Not minus the R.

This is a great opportunity to allow your H to see new vero and the bigger picture of a happy family. You have the tools and ability to make this happen.

I understand completely the doubts.

I also understand and respect if you are not ready for it.

Just my two pennies.

[2chiquitos]

LITB - I wish I could carry you and the others with me when I have these interactions with H. I'm hoping that as time goes on I will internalize everyone's advice and be able ride this bike without the training wheels. IOW - THANK YOU!

Did the camera case (shaving kit case) affect you emotionally?
It did! D@amn it! I thought I was past that. On the plus side, I didn't respond like before. My voice was really calm and I said, it's fine, it's your business. However he knew I was bothered which is why he insisted I see it was a camera case. He was carrying it around to give to me...

How about what he said about his focus being on your kids? Did that sting?
Before it would sting. Now I get annoyed. I immediately want to get off the phone. Not because I had expectations but I'm just tired of his lack of interest in R.

Do you calculate your words/actions while interacting with your H(walking on eggshells)? Not anymore. I feel better in this aspect.

So tell me...What did I score in terms of detachment??? (1-totally detached, 10-totally attached)

[2chiquitos]

And about the trip, I see your point. I will wait and see if he even makes plans for the trip. He flakes so who knows? I could be getting all worked up about nothing...

[LITB]

Did the camera case (shaving kit case) affect you emotionally?
It did! D@amn it! I thought I was past that. On the plus side, I didn't respond like before. My voice was really calm and I said, it's fine, it's your business. However he knew I was bothered which is why he insisted I see it was a camera case. He was carrying it around to give to me...

There is already a difference in how you respond, so you are making progress. It takes time. It took me over a year to completely detach.

I’d say that you are already riding without training wheels. You are working to keep your balance, so you can remove your helmet and pads. Before you know it, you will be riding wheelies all the way down the street.

[So tell me...What did I score in terms of detachment??? (1-totally detached, 10-totally attached)

Honestly you did fine. This is part of your growth.

I'm am curious to know what you doing for yourself as far as GAL? Living my own life played a big role in detaching.

[2chiquitos]

MY GALs:
playdates
learning to play the guitar
al anon
IC
cooking (it's too hot now to do it though)

not much. I have a pretty active life cuz of my 2 little ones and I stay at home. even then i don't get much opportunities to play the guitar.

[bustingout]

Hi vero how are you doing today?

[25yearsmlc]

And about the trip, I see your point. I will wait and see if he even makes plans for the trip. He flakes so who knows? I could be getting all worked up about nothing...

This is key for you to understand. It really happened.

About 7 weeks before h was to leave for Alaska, (and imo, leaving our marriage), he said there was a conference in Palm Springs and "WE ALL" ought to go. I balked. What? No way.

I felt "why pretend it's all okay? I can't fake like I'm fine", etc.

Thankfully, my DB coach said

"WHOAH wait a minute. What about your kids and giving them a good family memory?

And giving your h something to miss? Why try to punish him BEFORE he goes?"


So, I decided for FOUR DAYS I could put my anger/pain aside. For FOUR DAYS I could shelve it all and make it about being in the present. I would not catastrophize about the future or worry or be mad.

In fact I decided I would not even THINK BAD THOUGHTS about h. IF I could.

i wanted to give the girls and h a good time and I'd be damned if it was going to be ME ruining it with my anger and pain. I turned on every prayer channel in my heart and head and tried to be Mother Teresa.

I hate to admit it, but knowing I "could always be angry again, later", actually helped me do this.

So when h began to "lecture" about the botany in the area, instead of thinking he was a nerd, I saw how valuable his wisdom and knowledge was and that the girls were getting something out of it. I recalled that one reason I married him was his well rounded education.

I put a STOP SIGN in my head when a negative thought entered and sometimes the best I could do was be neutral. But I did my best to be complimentary, courteous and when he reached for my hand, to react warmly each time.

After a day of this, h visibly relaxed. So did our kids. Then maybe 36 hours later, I found myself liking my h more. So "faking it til you make it CAN help.

I saw the positives more easily and rejected the negatives (TEMPORARILY, I thought) more quickly too.

I definitely learned to stay in the moment a lot better, leaving tomorrow's problems OUT of my today. That experience has been pivotal in some of my personal changes.

The trip was a great success. We had a blast and it's as if Palm Springs was THE BEST vacation we ever had even though it was a short one. I know it meant a lot to my h.

And you know what? It gave me a glimpse of what forgiveness looks like.


I noticed your post of the 29th in which you said,

It went sooo well. My friend and her H came over with her sister in law. Total 5 kids. Her H n my H talked a lot. My H said that it was really cool to finally talk to someone who can look past everything he did.


This shows me that his fear is he won't ever be forgiven.

I think rhetorical questions about how you feel about OW are just harmful b/c they are reminders to you to stay angry.

I don't see how that helps you at all.

But getting a feel for what forgiveness is like, can help.

Our wedding vows say "from this day forward", for a reason. Can you possibly let go of the past, ever?

If not, then you're done. But own that.

Can you have a nice trip that at the very least, gives your kids a good time AND something for your h to miss?

Don't buy into his "for the kids" statement so much. First off, you're using it too and second, you fear hoping for more. Just like him.

In the back of his mind he fears testing you b/c if you fail, if you stay angry, it'll mean in all likelihood the m is over.

Go have a good time. For your kids and for you. And see what happens.

But be in the moment and do NOT repeat the past mistake of letting your fears and anger pollute a family trip the way they wrecked that evening.

That's on you...you can do this. Get a glimpse, even if just a brief one, of what forgiveness and staying in the present "from this day forward" IS.

it's a blessing and it can be a miracle.

[2chiquitos]

Busting- Today was a GREAT day! H took S4 to school and took D1 for the ride. I got to clean up and look pretty. BTW, it helped that last night I went BY MYSELF to a bar and had a beer I sat at the bar and watched TV until I finished my beer and went on my merry way. Oh and two guys sat next to me and made small talk. It was nice. I was my new self. I usually talk A LOT and act like a know it all snob. No! Not this time, I nodded and gave them affirmations. They loved it.

25!!!! YOU FREAKIN' ROCK!! I bow down to you!LOL!

Seriously, you are right!!! What you wrote is in the back of my mind by I shut it out cuz of all the rejection. I get so negative. THe other day he said he wanted us to spend next 4th of July together because there were so many times he wanted to share S4s 1st real experience with the fireworks. That was nice to hear.

Every week gets better. Today I joked with him. We are tight with money and I said, so what are you getting me for my bday (it's on the 24th)? You got me diamond earrings when S4 was born, remember? He laughed and said, I wish I could get you something really nice but I'm broke. awww

My LL is receiving gifts and thankfully he still gives me thoughtful gifts once in while

[2chiquitos]

Overall today is also a great day but my negativity creeped up on me!

Pos
Beautiful cloudy humid day with some drizzle. I LOVE this weather!
Kids woke up in happy and healthy
H came over to mow the lawn. I helped (my 180 at work)
had some time to myself
D1 took a nice long nap, gave me time to help H
MIL treated me to a massage, $15 for an hr!
Talked to my sponsor cuz I was down.

Neg.
H took off his shirt. He has a huge tattoo on his back. He got it recently. OW has a tattoo also on her back. He NEVER mentioned wanting one. Now every time I see it, I get down. Many thoughts run through my mind and it really depresses me.

Help...