As long as things are good for her. Nothing will change. You see she will learn nothing here. It will go one of 3 ways.
1. She keeps with the OM and you. As she has no reason to change. 2. She gets bored of OM or OM dumps her and comes back to pretend to work on marriage. Which means working on you and your "faults". Until her next time you need to be taught a lesson ( OM 2 ) 3. She moves on and leaves you with OM or another.
See there is no consequences to her actions. None. As she will know you will take her back open arms. No questions asked. Afraid to stand up for yourself.
Now here is 180's
1. Cut out tv. No more couch. 2. Exercise. Chart it. Picture it. And track it. 3. Quit smoking / drinking all together. 4. Better diet. 5. Spend time with kids. 6. Change and get better job so your available ( oh yea you did that... )
Now that was some sacrifice you did. 6 months in vegas away from your family. Working hard so that life in FL would be easier. Then you moved to FL to take on a crappy job you hated so that you would be closer. Knowing full well that you would still not be able to spend time together but at least you would be able to see your family for a few minuets here and there.
As far as I can see it. She did not uphold her end of the bargain.
Stop giving her reasons and justifications.
You already addressed the lack of time by working your way back to Florida. Taking on a self sacrificing job to put food on the table for everyone and then getting a better job where your finally able to have time with everyone.
So there.
Spend time with your children.
Talk with them all day. Be the best daddy ever. Plan your spare time around your GAL and them. Wife will have the opportunity to join in on time with family. Her Choice.
And that her wanting me to tell her no., do not go out with friends... That is just bs. She is a big girl who makes her own decisions. Some of these decisions have consequences.
You may be talking. But the two of you are having very different conversations. She gives crumbs. You take them.
You can detach in a loving and caring way. No one is telling you to be an ass. Were telling you to be a respectful and loving father who is attacking all that wants to destroy your marriage.
She has had 3 months of cake eating.
Its time to create crisis and get out of limbo.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
So now W is job hunting, which should be short with her established clientele. She just needs to find a new salon. I am a natural protector/provider. This is going to be tough for me. I recently got a $20,000/yr promotion. Helping the W financially wouldn't affect me at all. This is going to be a tough one.
There is nothing tough about it.
Stop rescuing her. She needs to put on the Big Girl Panties.
And you need to work on your self esteem beyond looking good and toned.
W just called me and told me she quit/got fired from her job. It was a bad situation. She was being taken advantage of and pushed back. Boss was XW of sister's H. Joys of working with family/near-family.
So now W is job hunting, which should be short with her established clientele. She just needs to find a new salon. I am a natural protector/provider. This is going to be tough for me. I recently got a $20,000/yr promotion. Helping the W financially wouldn't affect me at all. This is going to be a tough one.
This changes nothing. I highly doubt that her losing this job was totally unrelated to her current, um, "distraction."
"Wow, that's tough. What do you plan to do?" should be your response. Rescue her from this, and there's a good chance that you're rescuing her from some of the consequences of her affair.
That's my take, anyway. If you feel your way is working, by all means keep doing what you're doing.
W just called me and told me she quit/got fired from her job. It was a bad situation. She was being taken advantage of and pushed back. Boss was XW of sister's H. Joys of working with family/near-family.
So now W is job hunting, which should be short with her established clientele. She just needs to find a new salon. I am a natural protector/provider. This is going to be tough for me. I recently got a $20,000/yr promotion. Helping the W financially wouldn't affect me at all. This is going to be a tough one.
This is good news / bad news.
Now that removes the building and the older lady.
Let her now find a new job. And do not attempt to help. Allow her to come to you.
No hugging or any of that.
If she asks for help. Then help her with honesty and advice. Nothing else.
If she sits around and does nothing.
Then you push her to get back out there.
She will see your not afraid as she thinks you are.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
wouldn't this be the same thing the OM is saying about her? is it a 180 for him or is she just bestowing her company on him because he's in the running?
who will win this race?
what if there's another one after this one? will you then set your boundary? will she think it's real?
do you think she may be just playing you?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Exciting and refreshing OM and clingy enabler husband.
Why would she quit the A?
Give her what she wants.
"I won't share my wife with another man. I respect your choice although I do not agree with it. I will no longer be the backup plan for you. My job is to lead this family. Your choice is either to stay or go with OM. There is no middle ground. I don't need you when you are disrespecting this marriage and family."
Then get your ducks in a row. Focus on your own needs. Physical, financial, spiritual and emotional. Make a plan for all possible outcomes.
It's called parallel path.
Leaders are not leaders because they choose to lead. They are leaders because people choose to follow their lead.
Man who leads his own life and his family is attractive.
If she notices that and respects you for your decisive actions, she may follow. If not, you will be better off to move on and let others admire and respect you.
Your marriage as it stands is dead.
It's time to change dynamics and stop doing what isn't working.
You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
As long as things are good for her. Nothing will change. You see she will learn nothing here. It will go one of 3 ways.
1. She keeps with the OM and you. As she has no reason to change. 2. She gets bored of OM or OM dumps her and comes back to pretend to work on marriage. Which means working on you and your "faults". Until her next time you need to be taught a lesson ( OM 2 ) 3. She moves on and leaves you with OM or another.
See there is no consequences to her actions. None. As she will know you will take her back open arms. No questions asked. Afraid to stand up for yourself.
Now here is 180's
1. Cut out tv. No more couch. 2. Exercise. Chart it. Picture it. And track it. 3. Quit smoking / drinking all together. 4. Better diet. 5. Spend time with kids. 6. Change and get better job so your available ( oh yea you did that... )
Now that was some sacrifice you did. 6 months in vegas away from your family. Working hard so that life in FL would be easier. Then you moved to FL to take on a crappy job you hated so that you would be closer. Knowing full well that you would still not be able to spend time together but at least you would be able to see your family for a few minuets here and there.
As far as I can see it. She did not uphold her end of the bargain.
Stop giving her reasons and justifications.
You already addressed the lack of time by working your way back to Florida. Taking on a self sacrificing job to put food on the table for everyone and then getting a better job where your finally able to have time with everyone.
So there.
Spend time with your children.
Talk with them all day. Be the best daddy ever. Plan your spare time around your GAL and them. Wife will have the opportunity to join in on time with family. Her Choice.
And that her wanting me to tell her no., do not go out with friends... That is just bs. She is a big girl who makes her own decisions. Some of these decisions have consequences.
You may be talking. But the two of you are having very different conversations. She gives crumbs. You take them.
You can detach in a loving and caring way. No one is telling you to be an ass. Were telling you to be a respectful and loving father who is attacking all that wants to destroy your marriage.
So now W is job hunting, which should be short with her established clientele. She just needs to find a new salon. I am a natural protector/provider. This is going to be tough for me. I recently got a $20,000/yr promotion. Helping the W financially wouldn't affect me at all. This is going to be a tough one.
There is nothing tough about it.
Stop rescuing her. She needs to put on the Big Girl Panties.
And you need to work on your self esteem beyond looking good and toned.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I know. I went weeks on this board basically talking to myself and a few other people. Now I am getting the big guns out to help me. I can't afford to waste it.
My best friend tells me that I need "unconditional surrender" from the W. How will I know she is done with OM if I don't ask? Do I wait until she comes to me and tells me?
I am too generous. It goes way beyond the W. I have always been the type to help others financially. It is going to be hard to not jump in and "rescue" the W. She might not even ask me for assistance.
The weakness/sucker in me thinks this is all bad timing. Am I an A-hole if I lay it out now?
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
