1. Stop being afraid of her. 2. Stop being afraid of her being angry at you. 3. Stop listening to her friends. 4. Stop being a jelly baby. 5. Start exercising 3 to 4 times a week. 6. Spend time around the house with the children not the wife. 7. No more relationship talks. "If she brings them up. Just say. I am in no mood to talk about our relationship when you are in a relationship with a boyfriend." Then shut it and do not say another word. If she gets angry or emotional. Just say "Stop. I find it very unattractive when you attempt to manipulate me with emotions." Then you walk away. 8. Rebuild your self-esteem. 9. Go DIM not DARK. 10. Change it up. No more trips.
Do not have a talk with her.
As you are not ready yet.
When your ready. You will not ask to have it scripted out.
You need to repair
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
1. Stop being afraid of her. 2. Stop being afraid of her being angry at you. 3. Stop listening to her friends. 4. Stop being a jelly baby. 5. Start exercising 3 to 4 times a week. 6. Spend time around the house with the children not the wife. 7. No more relationship talks. "If she brings them up. Just say. I am in no mood to talk about our relationship when you are in a relationship with a boyfriend." Then shut it and do not say another word. If she gets angry or emotional. Just say "Stop. I find it very unattractive when you attempt to manipulate me with emotions." Then you walk away. 8. Rebuild your self-esteem. 9. Go DIM not DARK. 10. Change it up. No more trips.
Do not have a talk with her.
As you are not ready yet.
When your ready. You will not ask to have it scripted out.
Here is the motivation to my weakness, besides I like spending time with her.
Her reasons for OM and faults in the marriage: - We never did anything - We weren't talking - I neglected her. I didn't make her feel special. - I let myself go.
By spending this time with her, I am addressing all of her points. I can't understand how more of the same (do nothing, don't talk) is going to change her.
((((rrrrrnnntttttt!)))) -- wrong answer. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HER, nor should you desire to.
Don't do anything to please HER. Take those complaints of hers that you feel are LEGITIMATE (I would think back before her affair, as anything since then is gaslighting b.s.) ... those "that sting," as my MLC friends would say. Those 2-3 core things that you, in your heart-of-hearts, really do think you need to work on. And then WORK ON THEM . . . apart from her.
Quote:
- We never did anything
***You're not going to be able to address this right now, other than the occasional family outing with her and the kids (and even then, you should mostly do things with JUST you and the kids right now, only asking her to join you occasionally). She will eventually be able to see, from your other changes, that you are capable of doing things and having a good time.
- We weren't talking
***So WHEN you are with her (which shouldn't be nearly as often), BE THE BEST DAMNED CONVERSATIONALIST SHE'S EVEN BEEN WITH. Be charming, interested, look her in the eye. Put down your book or your newspaper or shut your laptop cover and LISTEN TO HER. (Just don't listen to anything about OM). Be like DeNiro, coming out on Leno -- it's a rare appearance, but when you're there, you're on your best "A" game.
- I neglected her. I didn't make her feel special.
***This is b.s. affairspeak, that the books call "re-writing of marital history," most likely. But if she says something like "See? You're neglecting me again," just say "I decided that I'm no longer willing to live in an open marriage. End your affair, and come back and work on the marriage with me, and I think you will find that I am ready and willing to address my part of our problems."
- I let myself go.
***This is the easiest one to work on. Eat right, cut back on any alcohol intake, and start working out. This doesn't have to involve her at all, and TRUST ME, she WILL find out how good you look, even if she doesn't see you every day. And when she DOES see you, wear some new clothes, NEW SHOES, and new cologne and get a new (for you) haircut. WOMEN NOTICE THESE THINGS.
You're hoop-jumping, 407. I've been helping people with this stuff for 5 years now, and I've studied literally HUNDREDS of affairs. I'm 95% confident that if you perfectly addressed everything she had on her "list" for you, she would only invent new things. DON'T HOOP-JUMP FOR HER ... work on those GENUINE CHANGES, that YOU want to do, for YOU.
Concentrating on your kids now and having fun with them, is not "doing nothing." You need to detach from your w right now though. Detaching does not mean "ignoring." Also, you can address the "letting yourself go" part by GAL, exercise, looking good, etc. Just do it, don't point these things out to her. She will notice. Stop asking her how things are going with om. Very unattractive. What, are you her gf now?? Also, stop asking and giving any info at all to these best friends of yours. Become mysterious to them too. Offer nothing, especially how hurt you are. Detaching from your w doesn't mean you stop talking to her. Big difference. The prob with LBS is that they tend to talk way too much. No more talking about the marriage, no more temperature taking. Give her polite, but short answers. Do not get sucked in. Just don't engage, don't show any emotion at all. If she tries to escalate, put an end to the conversation and walk away. Stay calm and civil toward her; do not initiate any physical contact at all. No hugs, kisses, sex, etc. You do not share your w with another man. Period. Stop taking her out on dates until om is out of your lives. It seems that you have been making her feel special enough lately. Enough now. Again, be polite, but detach from her emotions; and yours.
There's your roadmap, 407. I'll be out of town (and without internet access) until next Monday night. But I see you are in VERY good hands with several folks here.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
Starsky
P.S. She will get P*SSED when she sees these changes in you. EXPECT IT TO GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER. You WILL, however, begin to gain her respect, and that WILL, eventually, grow attraction between her and you. Give it time.
1. Stop being afraid of her. 2. Stop being afraid of her being angry at you. 3. Stop listening to her friends. 4. Stop being a jelly baby. 5. Start exercising 3 to 4 times a week. 6. Spend time around the house with the children not the wife. 7. No more relationship talks. "If she brings them up. Just say. I am in no mood to talk about our relationship when you are in a relationship with a boyfriend." Then shut it and do not say another word. If she gets angry or emotional. Just say "Stop. I find it very unattractive when you attempt to manipulate me with emotions." Then you walk away. 8. Rebuild your self-esteem. 9. Go DIM not DARK. 10. Change it up. No more trips.
Do not have a talk with her.
As you are not ready yet.
When your ready. You will not ask to have it scripted out.
Never did anything. Now is this true. Or is it because you worked a ton of hours to support your family ?
We moved from Las Vegas to Florida at the end of 2011. The Ds and her moved in with her father. I went back to Vegas to continue to make as much money as I could so we could adjust to making less in Florida.
What was supposed to be a month or two became six. After the job I thought I had fell through, I took the first job offered just to get to Florida to be with my family.
My W was extremely unhappy living with her dad and grandmother. Unhappy I was "living it up" in Las Vegas while she took care of of the Ds by herself.
I only visited them twice. This was because I was expecting to be flown to Florida for a final interview that never happened.
Six months apart. Less than 15 days together during that time.
Move to FL. Job is horrible. Horrible hours. Horrible pay. The 'help' we thought we would have being close to her family isn't there. It is a chore to get someone to help watch the kids so we can go out. W and her family do things (pumpkin patch, bbqs, etc) without me because I have to work.
I change to a crappier job with more pay but more hours. Things get worse. Looking back, I can remember times the W is really trying hard to get me to do things.
"Not talking. Ok that takes two. Does that mean that you came home and unwinded ? Or does that mean when there was an issue from either of you, you shelled ?"
Had to be at work over an hour away at 6am. I would goto bed early. I would get upset being so tired and dealing with young Ds. On my days off, I just wanted to do nothing.
At night, I shelled. I started to fall asleep on the couch. Told my W I just wanted time to unwind. It started out with me coming to bed at 2am and ended up with me just sleeping on the couch the entire night.
"Neglect : Serious. What you did not say "Honey you look nice today" or was it you were withholding sex. Did you feel neglected ?"
She got a job to help make ends meet. We had no help with the Ds. Couldn't afford daycare. Our schedules had us just passing by. When I was off, she worked. When she was off, I worked.
Getting D2 and D4 to bed at night was rough for me. By the time I got them to bed, W was already in bed. So I would retreat to the couch.
"Let yourself go : What you did not have the time to work out , work and be a father and a husband all at the same time ? Or was it because you wear a lose fitting shirt and slacks when she wants a jeans and a white shirt with some new shoes ?"
I got fat and lazy. I wore the same type of clothes daily. Baggy t-shirts and shorts. I was embarrassed with my body. I didn't want to have sex because I was embarrassed. My W tried hard to get physical with me.
I started to smoke occasionally. I didn't want to kiss my wife at times because I didn't want to get caught smoking.
She would call me at work and come see me with the Ds. I would get busy and not be able to talk.
"How many spare hours did you have in a week outside of work , chores, sleep and day to day activities ?"
Very few. They were only late at night after the Ds went to bed. I would say W and I had less than a few hours of just the two of us for quite some time.
W got a job. W became friends with older woman in building. OM is son of friend worked in the same building. Started to pay attention to her. W would say she was going to hang out with this woman after work. I pushed her to do this. I was happy there was someone she could have fun with since I wasn't able to do it. Every time she asked me if it was ok to hang out with her, I said of course, go have fun. I will watch the Ds.
I quit crappy job. Got a great job. Nights and weekends off. Money for daycare. Money to go out. Started to plan events together and do things. Too little, too late. PA with OM had been going on for 3 months. Bomb, love you but not, etc...
I see how I contributed to the failure of the M. I look back at texts and see where my W was reaching out to me. Now that I know what I know, I see between the lines of her texts on certain days. Her wanting me to tell her no, don't go out with your friend, spend time with me.
How I see it, what I am doing right now is a 180. We are spending time together. We are talking.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
How I see it, what I am doing right now is a 180. We are spending time together. We are talking.
But you can't do it while she's in the middle of an affair -- it sends the wrong message.
Look, it sounds like you have some genuine things you need to repent of. OWN THEM. Apologize to her, and mean it, but then say "I can't change any of that. All I can do is focus on the future, and building a new and better marriage with you, and work like hell to try to keep our family together. But I can't do that when you're having an affair. End it, and come back and work on the marriage with me, and let's build something wonderful together."
(see, there goes the sappy part of me again . . . )
W just called me and told me she quit/got fired from her job. It was a bad situation. She was being taken advantage of and pushed back. Boss was XW of sister's H. Joys of working with family/near-family.
So now W is job hunting, which should be short with her established clientele. She just needs to find a new salon. I am a natural protector/provider. This is going to be tough for me. I recently got a $20,000/yr promotion. Helping the W financially wouldn't affect me at all. This is going to be a tough one.
Regarding the letting myself go.... I worked out like a madman. I changed my diet completely. I lost almost 30 lbs. I fit into clothes I haven't worn in almost 10 years. I bought a ton of new clothes. I have style again. I have gotten numerous compliments.
My clothes are new and in style again. People at work actually refer to me as toned and healthy. I only wear "nice" t-shirts when I am out instead of my old supply of t-shirts I got for free from work.
I won the battle against letting myself go.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Exciting and refreshing OM and clingy enabler husband.
Why would she quit the A?
Give her what she wants.
"I won't share my wife with another man. I respect your choice although I do not agree with it. I will no longer be the backup plan for you. My job is to lead this family. Your choice is either to stay or go with OM. There is no middle ground. I don't need you when you are disrespecting this marriage and family."
Then get your ducks in a row. Focus on your own needs. Physical, financial, spiritual and emotional. Make a plan for all possible outcomes.
It's called parallel path.
Leaders are not leaders because they choose to lead. They are leaders because people choose to follow their lead.
Man who leads his own life and his family is attractive.
If she notices that and respects you for your decisive actions, she may follow. If not, you will be better off to move on and let others admire and respect you.
Your marriage as it stands is dead.
It's time to change dynamics and stop doing what isn't working.
You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
