Here is the motivation to my weakness, besides I like spending time with her.
Her reasons for OM and faults in the marriage: - We never did anything - We weren't talking - I neglected her. I didn't make her feel special. - I let myself go.
By spending this time with her, I am addressing all of her points. I can't understand how more of the same (do nothing, don't talk) is going to change her.
((((rrrrrnnntttttt!)))) -- wrong answer. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HER, nor should you desire to.
Don't do anything to please HER. Take those complaints of hers that you feel are LEGITIMATE (I would think back before her affair, as anything since then is gaslighting b.s.) ... those "that sting," as my MLC friends would say. Those 2-3 core things that you, in your heart-of-hearts, really do think you need to work on. And then WORK ON THEM . . . apart from her.
Quote:
- We never did anything
***You're not going to be able to address this right now, other than the occasional family outing with her and the kids (and even then, you should mostly do things with JUST you and the kids right now, only asking her to join you occasionally). She will eventually be able to see, from your other changes, that you are capable of doing things and having a good time.
- We weren't talking
***So WHEN you are with her (which shouldn't be nearly as often), BE THE BEST DAMNED CONVERSATIONALIST SHE'S EVEN BEEN WITH. Be charming, interested, look her in the eye. Put down your book or your newspaper or shut your laptop cover and LISTEN TO HER. (Just don't listen to anything about OM). Be like DeNiro, coming out on Leno -- it's a rare appearance, but when you're there, you're on your best "A" game.
- I neglected her. I didn't make her feel special.
***This is b.s. affairspeak, that the books call "re-writing of marital history," most likely. But if she says something like "See? You're neglecting me again," just say "I decided that I'm no longer willing to live in an open marriage. End your affair, and come back and work on the marriage with me, and I think you will find that I am ready and willing to address my part of our problems."
- I let myself go.
***This is the easiest one to work on. Eat right, cut back on any alcohol intake, and start working out. This doesn't have to involve her at all, and TRUST ME, she WILL find out how good you look, even if she doesn't see you every day. And when she DOES see you, wear some new clothes, NEW SHOES, and new cologne and get a new (for you) haircut. WOMEN NOTICE THESE THINGS.
You're hoop-jumping, 407. I've been helping people with this stuff for 5 years now, and I've studied literally HUNDREDS of affairs. I'm 95% confident that if you perfectly addressed everything she had on her "list" for you, she would only invent new things. DON'T HOOP-JUMP FOR HER ... work on those GENUINE CHANGES, that YOU want to do, for YOU.
