She doesn't rub OM in my face. It is there, but rarely spoken about.
You are mistaking "talking about" with ACTIONS. Even if OM is NEVER talked about, the fact that she is having an affair with him is mutually understood: she knows, you know, and she knows that you know.
That's all that matters. Once that happens, and she continues and you allow it to continue, I contend that that IS "rubbing it in your face."
Words are cheap. ACTIONS is what you want to focus on.
Starsky
And you need to take some pretty STRONG actions of your own. You don't have to be a dick about it, just calmly state that this is not working for you; you will not be in this marriage as long as there is a third party polluting it.
I am really bad having these kinds of talks. I let emotions in. I do good if I have a script and can concentrate on that.
Let's say we are going to dinner/drinks tomorrow night. If you were me, what would you say at the end of the night?
I have two people I talk to about this. My best friend and one of her best friends from where we moved. My best friend (the cheater) told me to not do anything with her and tell her what I am being told here. "I won't be disrespected..". Do family things, but that is it.
Her friend tells me that the time we are spending together is great because W is seeing how good things are with me. She has inside information because she talks to my W. She tells me the trips are great to do.
If possible, I would almost like to roleplay here so I can put into my words what to say.
I am good at giving others advice, but horrible at following it. I need it practiced and perfected before acting.
So pretend you are me. We have done a lot of things in the past few weeks. Connecting emotionally again. How do I apply the breaks without crashing the car?
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
So pretend you are me. We have done a lot of things in the past few weeks. Connecting emotionally again. How do I apply the breaks without crashing the car?
From another point of view, the car has been totaled, it just hasn't been towed away to the dump yet.
You keep revisiting the car, opening the doors, spending time with it and pretend your driving again even though it technically isn't working anymore.
Pumping the breaks in that scenario doesn't do anything.
I would also like to add that by allowing her to continue to cake-eat, she is NOT weaning herself away from om. You are giving her time to wean herself away from YOU. You are enabling her all the time in the world to string you along until she feels comfortable enough to leave you. And yes, stop telling her how much she is hurting you. It comes off as very weak. Leave your "feelings" out of this right now. Stop living in "fear" of losing her. She needs to start feeling some real discomfort over the fact that she will lose YOU if she doesn't stop her ridiculous, disrespectful behaviors. Don't you see how she is disrespecting not just you, but the kids as well? She is damaging them very badly by treating their father, and them, like this.
I am really bad having these kinds of talks. I let emotions in. I do good if I have a script and can concentrate on that.
Let's say we are going to dinner/drinks tomorrow night. If you were me, what would you say at the end of the night?
I have two people I talk to about this. My best friend and one of her best friends from where we moved. My best friend (the cheater) told me to not do anything with her and tell her what I am being told here. "I won't be disrespected..". Do family things, but that is it.
Her friend tells me that the time we are spending together is great because W is seeing how good things are with me. She has inside information because she talks to my W. She tells me the trips are great to do.
If possible, I would almost like to roleplay here so I can put into my words what to say.
I am good at giving others advice, but horrible at following it. I need it practiced and perfected before acting.
So pretend you are me. We have done a lot of things in the past few weeks. Connecting emotionally again. How do I apply the breaks without crashing the car?
You are not connecting emotionally at all; you just choose to believe that you are. You are feeding her cake by the truckload. As long as she is continuing to have her comfortable family time with you, she will continue to cake-eat.....and then run off to her fantasy life with om when it suits her. All the while, you are being played as the chump. Plan fun things with just you and the kids; concentrate on them. Let her see THAT without YOU. That advice you got about letting her see how wonderful things are, you showing her how great a husband you are, is a disaster; worst advice EVER for a man to take. She needs to feel the fear of losing her family. She can't feel that loss unless you stop taking her out on dates, vacations, whatever. Just stop inviting her for now. She is not behaving like a loyal wife and mother, so she doesn't deserve to be treated like one at this time.
You want to role-play? Ok. Go for it. I'll be "You."
(After dinner) Me: I have had a lot of fun these past few weeks with you. However, I can't respect myself being with you while you are with someone else. I think we shouldn't do things together as long as you are with OM. It sends a bad message to our Ds that I allow this to happen.
I did say this to the W on our trip. I can't remember the exact words, but I mentioned how it sucked that we can spend three days together having a great time and then she immediately calls/texts him after we part ways.
I also said something about her having a boyfriend. She replied that isn't a term she would use.
A few weeks ago, I asked what was going on with them and she said "not so much". I told her when not so much became not at all, there is so much we can do. Then we went on a trip. Go me...
I can't stop myself.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Here is the motivation to my weakness, besides I like spending time with her.
Her reasons for OM and faults in the marriage: - We never did anything - We weren't talking - I neglected her. I didn't make her feel special. - I let myself go.
By spending this time with her, I am addressing all of her points. I can't understand how more of the same (do nothing, don't talk) is going to change her.
I see more of the same as more reason to be over.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Never did anything. Now is this true. Or is it because you worked a ton of hours to support your family ?
Does that ring true ?
Not talking. Ok that takes two. Does that mean that you came home and unwinded ? Or does that mean when there was an issue from either of you, you shelled ?
Neglect : Serious. What you did not say "Honey you look nice today" or was it you were withholding sex. Did you feel neglected ?
Let yourself go : What you did not have the time to work out , work and be a father and a husband all at the same time ? Or was it because you wear a lose fitting shirt and slacks when she wants a jeans and a white shirt with some new shoes ?
How many spare hours did you have in a week outside of work , chores, sleep and day to day activities ?
Answer these questions honestly.
You may see that they are just self blame justification for the OM.
None of them are valid reasons to do this to your family.
None of them.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Concentrating on your kids now and having fun with them, is not "doing nothing." You need to detach from your w right now though. Detaching does not mean "ignoring." Also, you can address the "letting yourself go" part by GAL, exercise, looking good, etc. Just do it, don't point these things out to her. She will notice. Stop asking her how things are going with om. Very unattractive. What, are you her gf now?? Also, stop asking and giving any info at all to these best friends of yours. Become mysterious to them too. Offer nothing, especially how hurt you are. Detaching from your w doesn't mean you stop talking to her. Big difference. The prob with LBS is that they tend to talk way too much. No more talking about the marriage, no more temperature taking. Give her polite, but short answers. Do not get sucked in. Just don't engage, don't show any emotion at all. If she tries to escalate, put an end to the conversation and walk away. Stay calm and civil toward her; do not initiate any physical contact at all. No hugs, kisses, sex, etc. You do not share your w with another man. Period. Stop taking her out on dates until om is out of your lives. It seems that you have been making her feel special enough lately. Enough now. Again, be polite, but detach from her emotions; and yours.
