Sorry my friend. I think your wrong on that opinion that OM is not a threat.
Here is what OM does.
1. Enables your WAS. 2. Drives a knife between you two. 3. Fills her EN's 4. Takes away from your EN's 5. Leaves you in Limbo. 6. Costs time and money. 7. Is a physical danger to you and your children. 8. Is taking time and energy away from your children. 9. Is building resentment. 10. Can lead to OM2. 11. While in the picture you cannot work on repairing your marriage.
Failing to take this parasite seriously is a mistake.
Your main problem in your marriage is that your wife is committing adultery.
That is the number one issue in your marriage.
If it is not.
Then embrace an open marriage and you both go do your own thing.
And see how quickly it falls apart then.
BINGO.
407, you've questioned (or at least listed it as a "positive") that your wife doesn't talk about divorce. Why WOULD she, when she gets all of her emotional and physical needs met by her OM, and the rest of her emotional and financial needs met by YOU? She cheats on you and you take her on a nice vacation???
To each his own, but I personally would never live in an open marriage. Once you know (about the affair), and your wife KNOWS that you know, the marital dynamic is VERY destructive, in my opinion, from that point forward. Because it saps away at YOUR self-respect and emotional health, and your wife -- I can assure you -- is rapidly losing attraction for a man who would just passively allow her to cheat on him. And since women tie their feelings of "love" VERY closely to their feelings of "respect," I would contend that she is even losing love for you with your "well, there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well just be nice her to her" attitude.
Who said to tell her to "F off?" You should treat her with civility and courtesy -- she is your wife, and the mother of your kids.
btw, is your 12 year old a son or a daughter? This is a VERY formative year, these next few, for how they are going to shape their views about members of the opposite sex, and how you allow yourself to be treated. Don't think he/she isn't watching you.
I'm sorry if it stings, but I'd rather see you maximize your chances of success. Even the right way isn't guaranteed, of course, but I can pretty much guarantee you that the way you're doing it isn't going to work. What does your "gut" tell you? Does it feel authentic to your own values and morals to ignore -- and even enable -- her affair?
I would start with not allowing yourself to be disrespected by her talking about -- or calling/texting -- OM in front of you or the kids. That's #1. Then I would look at is the family's finances being used to conduct her affair? What are the current financial sitation? (who pays for what, etc.)
There's NOTHING that says you can't change your mind. And when you do, and when she acts surprised, just say "You know, I did a lot of thinking, and I've decided that this isn't working for me anymore." And go from there.
I've read your entire three threads. I'd recommend you go back and look at some of the EXCELLENT advice you were getting, from Bond and others, and see if you can't "reset" this thing before you do any further damage.
"You know, W, it's been really great spending time with you recently. But [your boundary discussion goes here]."
Yep -- good. And for gosh sakes, DON'T say something like "it just hurts too much." It's not attractive. Instead say "it's disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family," or simply "this isn't working for me anymore."
No melty man, no passive-aggressive anger, and no puppy-dog supplication, either. LEAD.
Your marriage -- and your family -- needs a hero right now, and it certainly AIN'T gonna be your wife. That means you, buster.
I've read your entire three threads. I'd recommend you go back and look at some of the EXCELLENT advice you were getting, from Bond and others, and see if you can't "reset" this thing before you do any further damage.
Starsky
Oh, and you might want to go back and read what the very FIRST guy who posted to you recommended, too.
"I would start with not allowing yourself to be disrespected by her talking about -- or calling/texting -- OM in front of you or the kids. That's #1. Then I would look at is the family's finances being used to conduct her affair? What are the current financial sitation? (who pays for what, etc.)
- She doesn't call/text OM in front of me. - OM hasn't been around D3,D4 in a few weeks. I can't say if he was or not Tuesday when W had them, but for the past 3 weeks, not around them. - D13 will not be around OM - W has her bills. I have mine. We have separate accounts. I did not assist her financially this month.
On our trip, we did a lot of talking. In the past she said she liked how I didn't play games. I told her that I wasn't going to disrespect myself in this situation and told her not to play games with me. She quickly said she wasn't.
She slipped when talking to me. I was talking about how she needs to let her guard down so we can connect. She thought I said she needs to let go of OM so we can connect and said she was trying. She realized what she said and tried to change the subject.
She doesn't rub OM in my face. It is there, but rarely spoken about.
D13 is taking this the worst. D3, D4 don't really see any difference. D13 tries to convince me OM is gone and begs me to keep trying to go out with her mom.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
OMG. Yes, Starsky is right on. Women are repulsed by men they can boss around. I'm not kidding about this. She has no respect for you. Stop listening to what she "says," I don't care what she "says" right now; pay attention to her actions. You have an open marriage, are you really cool with that? And I don't care how mad she gets when you start righting this badly listing ship. As they say, "A marriage can survive a cheating W's anger, but it CANNOT survive her continued cheating." Draw your line now and enforce it. Stop being scared that it will "make her angry." Take back your self-respect now. Be strong and lead. You must stop role-modeling this weakness as well; it is very bad for kids to witness this. If your kids were adults and in a sitch like yours, what would you advise?
She doesn't rub OM in my face. It is there, but rarely spoken about.
You are mistaking "talking about" with ACTIONS. Even if OM is NEVER talked about, the fact that she is having an affair with him is mutually understood: she knows, you know, and she knows that you know.
That's all that matters. Once that happens, and she continues and you allow it to continue, I contend that that IS "rubbing it in your face."
Words are cheap. ACTIONS is what you want to focus on.
