What I'm getting at is that in my opinion, you can't live a stress free lifestyle without some way of repressing it. If you can't afford the $300 utility bill, but you can give them $20 now. You can tell yourself all you want that you're happy you could give them something or that you're just happy you're alive, but you can't ignore the stress of knowing that bill will come back next month even bigger and the lights may go out. At some point, we all repress something so perhaps it's how we manage the repressed feelings that makes a difference?
I always look forward to what you write, RT. You are an amazing and thought-provoking person to say the least.
Stress is self-induced. If you try to control, you'll stress. If you let go, you don't. If your perspective is causing you stress, then change it right? Perspective and your approach is the key. You know that though...
I applaud your thoughts on looking into her eyes. I did the exact same thing for a while. Once I was able to look her in the eyes, I changed. That was a huge step. I'm the kind of person that always looks poeple in the eyes. For a while after the BD, I stopped doing that. I didn't like that. It's not who I am. But like you, I was self-conscious of people seeing the sadness. Know what? When I started making that change, I noticed that people responded differently. Know what else? It did huge wonders for my own self-esteem and looking back, it was the first step for me to really dealing with the impact of what happened *for* me. Like you, I am a good person, a good father, and I like me. I stand by my choices and I thank God every day (now) that she left. That I don't have to deal with her anger and frustrations directly. I'm still working to get her the rest of the way out of my life, but that's because we have kids together and she wants to control a lot of things. My ex tried to erase me from her past both during and since this came to light. She tries hard to forget what she did and said. I feel sorry for her sometimes because I know it must take a lot of effort to maintain that anger.
I never want to be an angry person. It's not my nature, but I've also seen the destruction that goes with it. I realize how weak it makes us. Ironically, it's in our weakness that we have strength. It's part of the human condition.
If you can, start in your dreams. Look her in the eyes. Accept her as she is and as a person in your dreams. Resolve it there first if possible and it will help to set you free regardless of her actions. It helped me to do that, and it may help you as well.
You're an amazing person, RT. AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
