TIME for a change

[Broken74]

Hi folks, hope you are having better traction than me...

PLEASE BLAST ME WITH 2x4's AS I CONTINUE TO MAKE THE SAME STUPID MISTAKES OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I think part of the problem now is that I feel like I'm on a timer, because I honestly am going to file on 8/27 if nothing significant changes because I am not going to go on living in limbo any longer...

So, as I've previously said, my W continues to listen to "I messed up/take me back/reconcile" type songs over and over again. Examples: Remind me, best I ever had, unchained melody, I told you so, etc...

Today I sent her a picture that said: "Listen to the lyrics of a girl's favorite song... You will realize that the lyrics are probably how she feels. "

W: You been tapping into my playlist again? lol

Me: no tapping for me but your listening history and mine both show up. lol How are you doing and how is <sister>?

W: Yours doesn't show up on mine. So what song made you send that picture? <sister> is in surgery now having her tube removed. I'm with her in Concord. I'm fine. Going back to work tomorrow. Yay. lol

Me: It should on the iphone app, maybe you need to upgrade. Remind me, best I ever had, unchained melody, I told you so. I'm glad you and <sister> are doing better. I didn't make the picture btw... lol

W: Those songs are just good songs to sing to. Pretty slow songs, ya know. Just seems that most slow songs are about breakups lol. Smartass

Me: What did I say that was smartass? lol So you haven't had any second thoughts at all?

W: I'm happy

Me: So am I, but you didn't answer the question. I finally figured out why I am the way I am by the way. It's quite interesting when I map to all my past behaviors. It would be really cool if we could talk one day.

W: I'm glad you're happy

So that's a freaking home run right!!! I think I violated 13 of the 37 rules in about 5 minutes. GEEZ I CONTINUE TO BE AN IDIOT OF THE HIGHEST LEVEL... What I meant by "figured myself out" is I have the classic nice guy syndrome. I've read the book twice and it's honestly scary. Totally maps to the gift giving/resentment cycle that led to my verbal abuse, the entire "nice guy" scheme maps to my every behavior.

I know many will say this is mind reading but all logic and deduction says it's not.

1) She has had second thoughts, some of her past behaviors point to this and she verbally mentioned second thoughts earlier in the year. She flat out won't say she hasn't because she and I both know that she has/is having second thoughts.

2) I don't buy the music explanation because the songs she listens to over and over are mostly about reconciliation.

AAARRRGH PLEASE REAR BACK AND SWING HARD I AM SUCH A BUMBLING IDIOT!!!

Only recovery is just to stop and go dark again right? I obviously want to dig myself a further hole and press the issue in that I know she's had second thoughts... I AM SO SICK OF THIS CRAP AND MINDGAMES AND I SUCK AT IT TO BOOT :-(

Thanks in advance for any constructive criticism and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!!!