Forgive and Forget?

[Lina]

My H has initiated sex with me in my sleep after I had turned him down earlier - sure. Do I consider that rape? NO! Do I think you should go out and ask 100 people on the street if they would consider that rape before you destroy your marriage? YES!

*boggles*

First, I completely agree that the important issue is working on a relationship and figuring out if/how to mend things, and that having a difficult sexual history makes it harder to do that.

However, I don't see how it could *not* be rape. It's sex and it's definitely non-consensual, *especially* if the person doesn't want it even after they wake up - aren't aroused by the activity, if that's how their hormones work - and DEFINITELY if it's traumatic for the person. Personally, I don't think I would have had the patience to deal with it, and I have great respect for LDs willingness to keep trying despite that. *tips her hat to LDWife*

And after a brief discussion with a friend of mine in law school completely unconnected with this place who doesn't even know it exists, I found out that legally speaking, the majority of districts would deem such a situation spousal rape, with attempted rape the lesser charge.

I can be a bit extreme on my views about respecting women sometimes, but I just can't see how a man who respects his wife as a woman and a wife could possibly hear her tell him no and have sex with her anyway. *Especially* if she's had an experience that makes it more than uncomfortable, but also triggers traumatic memories. If she's okay with it, sure... maybe he thought he could arouse her by initiating... but if a woman, afterwards, tells her husband she doesn't want him having sex with her without her knowledge and consent, and he continues to try to have sex without her knowledge and consent *anyway*... There are problems there. I'm not saying on just one side, but there are *definitely* problems there when it comes to respect and trust. Completely aside from boundary respect issues, though definitely reflecting them.

That doesn't mean they can't be worked through if both sides are willing, and I definitely make no claims to be an expert... but dismissing that as "okay" and blaming it on one person's trauma seems a bit harsh to me, as a woman and a wife. /-: