Quote:

I personally don't beleive that any prayer goes unanswered. smile The answer is mainly yes, no, or not yet.


"Ditto!"

Went to the therapist yesterday. I don't go often, but I wanted to at least update her on what's happened in the past few months. I was of the mind that it was the usual waste of my time, but I chose to sleep on it and have managed to come to better terms. I told her about my recent diagnosis and I was getting frustrated with her wasting time on something that's outside her medical expertise. I don't care what hospital might be better than the one my Dr recommended and I don't care about a book she read about a surgeon who found he had a brain tumor. I WANT TO GET THROUGH MY REPRESSED FEELINGS!.

In hind sight, I'm not frustrated with her wasting my time. I spoke to her about my diagnosis and it's the first time it didn't make me cry. I feel as though I'm ready to talk to the in-laws about it once I've had my appointment next month and have more answers. I owe it to them.

Another thing that she spoke about that both humored and frustrated me. She said she was concerned that she's never seen me pop off or be angry. Yet when talking about one of her clients w/ cancer she talked about how she's doing great living a lifestyle of healthy diet and "STRESS FREE". Hello?! If I'm not angry I'm not stressed. Am I alone on that thought process?

I repress feelings - feelings of rejection and sadness. When thoughts come up, I'm quick to remind myself that I am worth fighting for, I'm a good father, a good person, I have a pretty good positive outlook on life in general. I see unhappy people and I do not feel as though I relate to them. I've looked deep into myself and have identified many misconceptions that have led to many of my negative attributes ( acid sarcasm, being critical of others, lazy, selfish ). I believe in the progress I've made because I can lean on that and feel good about myself and the direction my life has taken. I know that I "was" doing this for my W, but I also realized a while back what it was actually doing for me and I like it. I have no feelings of failure that I'm aware of, because I see what I've been able to accomplish and that leaves me feeling content with my life.

What I'm getting at is that in my opinion, you can't live a stress free lifestyle without some way of repressing it. If you can't afford the $300 utility bill, but you can give them $20 now. You can tell yourself all you want that you're happy you could give them something or that you're just happy you're alive, but you can't ignore the stress of knowing that bill will come back next month even bigger and the lights may go out. At some point, we all repress something so perhaps it's how we manage the repressed feelings that makes a difference?

Me? My feelings come in the form of dreams. I remember them daily and they can sometimes set me up for a great day or a Debbie Downer day. The amount of dreams I have with my W is exhausting. It's not everyday, but it's always the same - she hates me. I don't reach out to her and I don't much talk to her, but I can never seem to get away from her and her anger is in all faucets of my dream. Last night I dreamed we were at a sporting event, not together, but there. I showed up later than her and there was someone sitting on each side of her. On the right side there were several nameless faces, on the left only one followed by a bunch of empty seats. She was in the top row so I couldn't sit behind her. I chose to sit several rows down and a section over. I pretended to not see her and paid her no mind, but I could see the anger in her body focusing on me. I felt her watching me and like all the other dreams that I can recall, I never look her in the eyes and if I look at her she never looks me in the eyes.

I'm tired of these dreams. I hate them. I ask for help detaching from my W when I pray. Maybe this is a way to answer my prayers, but I'm struggling to find the purpose of that. I don't want to be afraid of being within visual range of my W and I don't even want to be aware of it (ever). So I don't see the value of being haunted when I sleep. She doesn't like me and I know that and it won't get better as anytime soon. We were friends and now we're not. I've taken that from her for my own sanity and because she knows I do not approve of her decision. Her anger towards me is poop (or undeserving in my opinion) and it frustrates me when I'm around her in person, not dreams. I don't want to build up anger towards my W, because I don't want that to become hatred. Neither of us or our kids deserve that, so if these dreams are a way of answering my prayers for detaching and letting go, I don't want this kind of help.

You can see a lot in someones eyes. The cliche that they are the windows to someones soul is quite profound. I'm constantly wondering what my eyes are telling people even if I'm smiling. I don't think it's what I want them to see and that's what I'm trying to resolve. I should probably start by looking into my own eyes in the mirror and not at my chest. I'm suddenly aware that I don't ever look myself in the eye in the mirror. I'm going to work on that.