Honeypot: I did welcome and offer touching during waking hours before the reality hit me that for years he has in fact been raping me. I had always been affectionate. When I said I haven't touched him in years, I meant the way I used to caress his body in bed. I continued to show love outside of our bedroom.
Quote: I decided enough was enough last month and started seeing a therapist to figure out why I have such a LD and no desire to even try to initiate sex. Things were going well, and I was progressing! H and I had some excellent heart to hearts and he finally seemed to understand and really hear what I was saying. He apologized and even cried, vowing to never hurt me again. We agreed that I would initiate from now on until I was healed and could take his initiations in the proper context.
I was able to initiate twice in one week, which hadn't happened in years. For some reason, this triggered H to jump to the conclusion that I was "better" and reverted back to initiating. After a few nights of my rejections, he did what he vowed not to. Just as he's done numerous times over the years, he waited until I was asleep and then had sex with my limp, unwilling body. I woke up and was so devastated. I jumped out of bed and was shocked that he could be so selfish and totally erase what progress I had made.
I guess that is what I'm so hung up on. He apologized for his past actions and for never hearing my pleas to stop having sex with me after I said no. I tried to explain to him how bad it made me feel and how it was driving me away, but he chose not to hear it. No more than one week later, he did it once again!
Ellie: I have never claimed he holds me down and daterapes me. Yes, there is a huge difference! You're entitled to your opinion. After thinking about your post more, I realized that I HAVE woken up and gotten a grip... finally. I woke up a few weeks ago thank you very much. I was busy pretending my marriage was healthy and rationalizing his behaviour just as you are. Poor guy! I went to therapy thinking I was a horrible wife for having to force myself to have sex like a good wife... for having sex for his pleasure only. Wanting him to come as quickly as possible. I don't fear abandonment at all.
