Just remember...there is no rhyme or reason to what the mlcer says or does. Why? They are operating on pure emotional energy. They are not thinking rationally and as long as they are nuts, you can't figure them out. The more you try, the more frustrated you will become. The best thing to do is step aside and allow him to head up the parade down main street. You have to sit on the sidelines and watch the parade w/a bag of popcorn.
I'm w/Brookie when it comes to the children. They will need to forge their relationship w/o your assistance.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H continues to text the boys and refers to me as delusional and crazy. He also continues to write that I've brainwashed them. The boys are so angry. S15 said that he feels controlled by my H since he's not allowed to have his own feelings. He's tired of my H putting me down and saying that this is all my fault. I'm tired of it too. I feel abused. Why is he doing this? It's so frustrating that he doesn't see the harm that he is causing. I'm working hard and minding my own business yet in his mind I'm this psycho person that's poisoned the boys against him. Nothing could be further from the truth. Really, the person that is crazy and delusional is him. However, I haven't said that to him or the boys. Why is he stooping to name calling and put downs? I've been doing great except for these texting frenzies. Each episode drags me backward. I could really use some encouragement and advice.
GM, It is better for the kids to have a bad parent than none at all.
It may be somewhat heartening to you to hear what happened w/my X. He was clueless w/then-baby D and I stopped enabling. I just left her with him and ignored anything that wasn't directly concerned with safety.
After 5+ years, X has finally begun to act more like a father to D. He is less resentful of spending time with her (he really treated her like a burden, much as he treated me. Now he seems to like spending time with her more, even though it's still minimal). Maybe their R improved because she doesn't have a "big sister" any more. Anyway, I understand about "worst enemy" situation because I got the spew, too, and was quite afraid of him. Ignore him as much as you can, and you're right--encourage the R but don't enable it.
X has been severely humbled by middle age. As we all have, in some ways. I have begun to realize that D is one of his few bright spots now.
I sometimes wonder if teenagers are somewhat threatening to MLCers. I mean, it's teens who are supposed to be rebellious. Not their middle-aged fathers. Probably makes the MLCers uncomfortable.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
His spew is projection. He doesn't feel good about himself and he is unable to connect the dots at this time because of his fog and confusion. He is lashing out at the person that was closest to him because he needs someone to blame and to justify his actions.
Sweetie, your boys know the truth, you know the truth. As you detach more you will be able to step back and not take his BS so personally. You will begin to connect the dots for yourself.
You're doing the right thing for your sons by just being there as support and filling in the gaps left by their father. Your boys may start hurling truth darts your H's way. At some point your H will realize that what is coming out of your kid's mouths are their feelings and not your words.
GM, you have choices here. It's your choice not to let your H's spew get to you. It's your choice to not share negative feelings about your H with your boys. It's your choice what kind of life you want to make of it for yourself and kids. Go about it as though your H is never coming back. That way if/when your H runs to catch up, you will be in a place where you will be better than OK with whatever you decide to do. Be that letting him back into your life or taking a different path.
I promise that if you let it, this does get better. It's another one of the choices that the LBS gets to make.
GM, Forward and Seeking Ansers both have given you excellent advice. The projections that mlcer spew is actually how they feel about themselves, not you! Yes, the spew hurts and much of what they spew is not true, but you will need to step back and from his spewing. They spew at the one who is closest to them that they few safe in doing so...that is the lbs. Just like toddlers spew and act out when mom or dad are around...generally toddlers do not act out w/other adults.
You have choices just as seeking answers indicated in her posting. Please take some time re-read what she has posted. She's right, it will get better in time, but the hurdles and pot holes along the way are hindering you from moving to the next step which is the next turn on the yellow brick road.
When he spews, walk away, change the subject or walk away. When your children tell you things that he has said, listen and it they aren't true, tell them. Let the spew run down the drain and don't allow his spew to eat you up or bring you down...you do not want to go into that miserable dark hole that he is living in. You have a lot of life to live and the world is out there waiting for you and your children. God has a lot of work to do on him before he settles down again.
Pull up your boot straps and continue moving forward.
BTW, you may want to start a new thread...Jack's going to be coming along to remind you of the limit of 100 postings soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
