So we made it past bomb drop anniversary. I had a tough time on the 4th. Broke down sobbing in the kitchen. All of the memories of his wanting to leave me, and how horrible the 4th was last year just overtook my entire being. I started shaking and crying uncontrollably, once the big fireworks in town started going off, and I could hear them. Every painful feeling and anxiety just blew up inside of me.

H came in to get some stuff and he saw me, and immediately grabbed hold of me and held me until I regained myself. It has been a really long time since I broke down. He looked into my eyes and apologized, and said "I'll never put you through that again. I want to be with you for the rest of my life." and a few other re-assuring words.

Once I got past this, and we talked a little, we went off to enjoy the fireworks and had a really good evening together. H told me at the end of the night how happy he felt, and how glad he was that he didn't make a mistake in walking away from us. It felt good to hear him say this.

My h is looking into studying a pastoral program. I'm really happy for him that he has found a lot of peace for himself.

At our last C session, he told the counselor that last summer was a horrible time for him. That he was scared and anxious and felt like he was going through hell.

Sometimes I get up and feel like it's not real and he's going to walk away. That niggling anxiety is still there sometimes.

I feel that with time, it should improve, but I also think it's normal.

I really have to tell myself from time to time when I feel anxious that I WILL be okay if he walked away. That I can be a strong woman, capable and live on my own.

H and I continue to learn more about each other. It's so funny how you spend over a decade with someone and you think you know them inside and out. Last night we went for a drive and we were talking about songs our parents listened to. He started belting out Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton "Islands in the stream" and I was laughing, cause I had no idea that he knew that song. I joined him and we sang together and it was hilarious. I looked over at him and felt amazed that we can still find out things about each other that we didn't know.

Our relationship has actually become stronger since the BD. I really do think that is strange. But it has changed, and it has forced a change in each of us. he says that he appreciates me more and feels lucky to have me. Over the winter, we hold hands more, we take more time for each other, and we have more fun together.

I just hope that.... we will continue down this path and that things will continue to get stronger. I'm really thanking God that he and I are where we are at right now.