CeMar: Thank you for understanding. H couldn't agree with you more on the waking HIM up with sex! I believe I have in fact received roses the next day before.
Quote: My mantra was do I want to be right or do I want to be happy. I had to get very clear about what I wanted and use that info for when I would self sabotage. I had to get very clear that I DESERVED what I wanted, and that it was possible or at least I wouldn't know it WASN'T possible until i'd exhausted all avenues, including the ones I didn't want to do, or seemed doubtful.
Morninglory: Wow! Thank you for your empathy and positive attitude. I do understand the true nature of forgiveness, I just used the title generically for this thread. I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, so I know, trust me! It's not so much that I was seeking help with forgiving H... I think I was looking to see what others thought of his behaviour and if THEY'd be able to accept it, and go on.
I’m having a very difficult time trying to figure out how I feel right now. Last week, I felt dead, numb, helpless and hopeless. Since Friday, I’ve been feeling angry and regretful. The Courage to Heal and Allies In Healing were ready for pickup at the library, so I went and retrieved them while H stayed home with the kids. On Saturday, H told me that upon our therapist's advice, he was giving me total control over our sex life. This angered me. I listened to him half dazed, half fuming. I asked him why he couldn’t do that when I asked numerous times over the years and why it took a therapist to tell him what I needed. He didn’t have an answer. We went out for our date and I tried to act as if we weren’t married and just dating. I reached for his hand while we walked outside, but that was the only contact I wanted.
I made some realizations. My knight in shining armour showed his true colours shortly after his marriage proposal. I married him because everyone, including me, thought he was a wonderful man. He treated me like his Queen; he didn’t drink or do drugs; he didn’t go out with the boys; he wanted to spend any free time with me; he wanted to be a family man and devoted husband; he wanted to be my best friend; he was a hardworker. He was the boy nextdoor, without a nasty past. He was innocent and pure. He was worthy of my full love. I completely trusted him. I knew he would be a loving husband and a doting father. He would be a father that our children could go to and feel safe and loved with. He would take care of me and always love me.
Were all of the above characteristics so important to me that I could ignore the fact that he didn’t respect me? Was it the fact that he seemed to respect everything about me except for when we were in the privacy of our bedroom, and I would be fast asleep beside the man I love and trust and feel so happily secure with? This is extremely hard to deal with. My husband has been sexually abusing me since I accepted the role of his wife. Something I wanted to be all my life. I so wanted to be a loving wife and mother. I think I had done an exceptional job of accepting my past abuses and was getting on with my life. I believe that H’s refusal to be rejected is the cause of my sexual aversion. I know what a healthy relationship is. I had one with my knight in shining armour, until he turned out to be less than perfect. It’s as if for the past several years, I’ve gone ahead with things as I had planned and chose to ignore his abuse. I planned my pregnancies and welcomed the control that maternity allows. I used the excuses of being afraid to hurt the babies, being too tired to have sex, etc. to the best of my advantage. Once there were no more excuses, I had to look at myself and [censored] or get off the pot.
So, what do I do now? Do I accept this less than perfect man and try to help him? All the while hoping and praying that he does not abuse our DD or myself again? Am I supposed to ignore the fact that I now wonder why he takes his time with bathing or changing DD? Am I to dismiss my gut feeling that when he’s applied cream on her genitals, ever so gently and slowly that he was just being a good father or is he sick? I could not live with myself or forgive myself if DD comes up to me later on and tells me how daddy did something to her.
I think the only chance he has of winning my trust and love back is to earn it all back from scratch. We need to live in separate dwellings and have scheduled time together.
Your advice and homework are very helpful and sound. Thank you so much.
