LD: I think you need to firmly and lovingly set boundaries with him. If he is caressing you in bed, and you do not want it to turn sexual, then tell him RIGHT THEN "This feels so good. If I fall asleep, please don't take it personally and please let me continue to sleep."
I think that he takes your rejection of him so intensely personally (all HD people do, this is not your H being strange) that he is living in a state of rage. He acts out in this way, while you are asleep, both because he NEEDS you so badly to respond sexually to him and also because he is trying to get back at you for your rejection.
I don't think anyone here is trying to defend your H's actions--they are despicable. But we are trying to help you see his side of the sexual equation. It is so helpful to do that...to step out of your own shoes and really LOOK and LISTEN to the other side and see if you can gain any insight. Right now I think you are so mad at him that you are not willing or able to see his side of anything.
I don't know how you can forgive him for years of this selfish behavior. You will have to find it in yourself if you want this marriage to work out. GOOD LUCK with that endeavor; we are all hoping that it turns out okay and we are here to listen.
