Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

25, thank you for that letter. It actually makes me feel like this whole trying to reconcile thing is pretty hopeless. That is my honest thought after reading it. Nothing bad against you, just a reality. He's only seeing tiny glimmers from me and OW has it all. It's not a hard equation to figure out.

He did not know OW before we got married. H and I went to High School together. And he didn't become a cop until after we had our first baby which is when he met her. And, yes, H's dad is a cop, OW is a cop, OW was married to a cop and divorced him a month after H left me. The funny thing is, I'm NOT attracted to cops and never would have ever married a cop. There has always been something about it that rubs me the wrong way.

I was always happy that H was happy doing what he was doing... and he did make me very proud. He works hard and he's great at what he does. It just is a huge turn off for me.... the cop thing in general. Plus, it is important to note that him becoming a cop changed him in so many ways. This is a lot of what I'm seeing in him now when I talk to him. His heart is hardened. He doesn't have the same values he once did. He used to be very innocent and naive. Now he's seen a lot of bad things and has lost a lot of trust in God and religion.

Religion has been a big thing for me throughout all of this. I struggle with this all the time to know if we will ever see eye to eye on it again. If he will always choose to turn away from it, then I really cannot see myself being with him. It's just too important to me.

I do get that I need to stop confronting him. But, my gosh... maybe he should just stop telling me all of this crap. He's keeping me emotionally invested and when someone you love tells you these things in a moment where they truly seem totally sincere... how do you ignore that? You are very right, these interactions are hardening my heart towards him. I have felt very differently towards the situation since Sunday.

I feel like I don't see a future with him like I once did. I see his future with OW and me out of the picture. She really does seem like a good fit for who he is right now. He was different when I married him and I think we were a really good fit back then. But it isn't the same. He has told me this several times and I'm really starting to believe it now.

As for the changes... believe me... being depressed is not a happy state of mind. I have wanted to be different all my life. I have wanted to love myself all my life. I'm learning now that the reason I have struggled with self esteem so much is because I don't think I ever felt unconditionally loved growing up. A lot of crap there that I don't want to get into but this is something I'm trying to change in the way I love other people... especially my kids. It's a hard coin to flip but I guarantee to you that these changes are for me.

Not to "win" back H. The best thing I could ever get from all of this, and I have stated before, that I am so grateful for this opportunity because I have GROWN SO MUCH!! I still fall into mild cases of depression but now I can fully recognize it and recover from it a lot more quickly. I feel like I'm more on top of things and I do look at myself and feel like he is a fool for leaving me. But at the same time, I am now feeling like I could be very, very happy with someone else.

I used to believe that H is the only one for me and I would never be able to let my heart go in another direction. But I'm feeling that less and less now.

H certainly has the right to be happy. I don't feel like I want to stand in his way anymore if that's what he thinks I'm doing. I've stated this before that seeing him and OW together more and more makes it that much easier for me to understand that he's in a totally different place than I am. He has moved on. And he likes the way he feels when he's around her. That is great. He just needs to divorce me first... that is the problem I'm having with him.

He is, in his own way, holding onto me and I'm about ready to do something major to make this end. It is not fair for me to continue to think that we are working on our M (because that's what he said he wanted to do) when he's still inviting OW over for family get togethers. My head can't take that anymore.