I have my parents coming to visit this weekend. It should be fun. This will be their first visit since we moved. Can't help but think they want to come see if my life is a train wreck
W called the other day to tell me she had a job offer that was alot closer to "home". She wanted to tell me and see what I thought about it. She said we could sleep on it and discuss the next day. After sleeping on it she decided it was not the right fit. It would put her living 3 hours away from her family and that was just not close enough. (We are 13 hours away now). I validated and thanked her for thinking about it and sharing with me.
I am doing good and feeling better. Something about the 4th of July really set me back mentally. I sensed there was some softening on her part. Things are back to normal and it may have been wishful thinking on my part. I am doing my best to move forward.
The WAS seem to move closer, then back away, etc many times as the sort things out. Heck, my W has been all over the place through this trip. It blows, but it is what reality is...
Let go of the outcome, we can't control it, just be the best you for you and your child everyday. Sometimes I think this is a lesson in learning how to live fully in the present moment, with all its uncertainty, and we humans tend to not like uncertainty...
Here's some Linkin Park lyrics that help me through this that my C recommended:
Quote:
So let mercy come And wash away What I’ve done I’ll face myself To cross out what I’ve become Erase myself And let go of what I’ve done Put to rest What you thought of me While I clean this slate With the hands Of uncertainty
Hope this helps a bit (and "In the End" by Linkin Park is another great song for this, blast it while working out, bet you get a few more reps in...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks T2. You have been a good friend through this thing.
I have noticed that many people here have a "hang up". They get good advice from outsiders over and over but don't realize they keep doing the same thing.
I figure I am no different. It caused me to think about myself and what you guys have been harping on me about that just hasn't sunk in.
So this is my take on me. Y'all have said stop looking to my W. Stop looking back at what was. Stop allowing her to affect MY decisions. My M is over. Move forward. Live for me. Do what I want to do. Stop looking to her to define how I feel.
I will keep this in mind moving forward.
Well, did I get it? Anyone want to say hey dummy what about ____? You need to get that through your thick head too Feel free.
I am sure it is not something I will overcome tonite. But now I am aware.
I had a great time visiting with my family over the weekend. It was much needed.
I had a suprising phone call Friday afternoon. My FIL called me up to see how things were going. He said that W hasn't offered much in the way of what was going on with her or what happened between us. He didn't know we were having problems. I told him that I can't speak for her. But I did know that I wasn't giving her all that she needed or deserved to be a happily married woman. It wasn't something I did on purpose and was unaware at the time, but I can clearly see my faults in things now.
He was quite nice and offered some reading material that he found helpful during one of his rough spots. He said to hang in there. That he thought I was a good man and father. That he thought she was making a mistake. That he hoped she would give it another chance.
I thanked him for the kind words and asked him to not do anything on my part in talking to her. I told him that I didn't think it would help my situation at all for her to think I was going behind her back. I told him I just want her to be happy.
Anyway, quite a shocking conversation because I was not expecting it at all.
S had a belt test a karate tonite. He did great and was very proud to get his yellow belt.
Afterward we all went out to eat.
During our supper W brought up that she went to the doctor recently. She said she couldn't sleep and has anxiety. She got a script for zoloft, xanex, and ambien.
This is the first she has let on that life isn't just peaches and cream.
I didn't say much. Just listened and asked if she is feeling and sleeping better now.
A part of me was delighted that she was not doing so well. And its not because I want her to be miserable. Its just the fact that she is human after all. And she opened up to show me that side for the first time in quite a while. After all she could have not told me and I would have never known.
I do feel sorry for her. I know pain. I know anxiety. It is rough.
Maybe the meds will help her. I hope they don't become a crutch. I know that xanex can be quite addictive and hard to get off of. I'm a little concerned but glad she is seeking some help.
Is her doctor a psych doctor or ?? IMO, that seems pretty heavy all together and right off the bat...usually the course is try one, see what happens, adjust dosage, etc before adding more to the mix...just my opinion. I hope she is seeing a counselor while on these to monitor for any adverse effects (I hate how our society seems to tend to hand psych meds out like aspirin).
That is great that the family could all do something together. I think you did perfectly listening and asking questions that weren't trying to dig too deep .... good job!
And great job for your S earning his belt!!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
