Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

LITB, I didn't see your post until after I posted. Thank you. I will have to think about what I'm going to do to move forward.

[25yearsmlc]

However, his downfall is that he never had a serious talk with me about how all of this was affecting him. In fact, he was still showing me in little ways that he loved me and so when it all came crashing down, it was very, very confusing.

So if he'd mistreated you, or been ugly or unloving, that would have been so much better? Really?

My hope was not that he would have mistreated me, but that he would have stopped the facade and just been honest with me about how he was feeling about me.

maybe what you mean is that you were not thinking straight, b/c of the depression. Otherwise, most of this would have been obviously so one sided that a sensitive spouse would know his life was not fulfilling and you were a burden.

The upshot is HE tried by being kind and loving to you, to "will" you to be better. IT's an exhausting task that does not belong to him, in reality.



I don't know if you've ever been seriously depressed before or not, 25, but that itself is a very selfish illness.

YES i've been depressed. I blamed myself for my father's death and it was NOT a healthy time for me. "Grief induced thought disorder" is the label. And "major depressive episode." Been there, done that.

Before I got help and 6 weeks after his death, out of the blue my then 4 year old d asked me if I was going to be "sad, everyday" (as in, forever). b/c it was new to her and very lonely for her. It hit me that I had to do SOMETHING.

THAT comment woke me up and I had an appointment the next day. Thank GOD I did.



It's too hard to look outside yourself and see how your actions are affecting others when it takes all you have to just get up and take a shower everyday. I do not excuse my behavior. I have very much taken responsibility for my actions and have expressed that to H several times.


how long are you talking? Also, even so, and I feel for you, the issue remains, how would the marriage be better FOR HIM if he were to reconcile? I mean isn't he allowed to feel safer if he goes back?

How will he know you won't slip back and shoulder him with everything again?

I know there are no guarantees, but he has to trust that your changes are real and permanent or he'll be AFRAID of living like that again.

When you take yourself out of your own pain for a minute now, can you see his?

Can you see how fearful he must be, of returning to the marriage and of it reverting?



I really do appreciate your questions. As hard as it is for me to think about this today... you've brought up a lot of issues that I need to figure out. As far as the fainting... I don't necessarily see it as a moment of weakness, I just see it as my mind/body taking a toll and it couldn't take it anymore. I have never in my life ever fainted... I'm just not that kind of a person.

When I said that I have no one, I meant no one to go home to. I was on my way to my brother's house and him and his wife are so negative that I just could not fathom going there after what had happened. So when I left, I was trying figure out where I could go. So I went to my best friend's house and talked with her and her husband for the rest of the night. They have been great friends with me and my H.

Not to quibble but to point out the upside you DO have someone...and I seriously doubt anyone on that couch in your inlaws was all that "comfy".

When my brother brought over new women after leaving my favorite SIL, I always felt awkward, Even after she remarried and was happy. I felt disloyal but my siblings said I needed to catch up with reality.

I can honestly say I stay in touch with my former SIL more than with my brother and she IS happier than she ever would have been with my brother. Just fyi. IT's NOT easy on the family that loves the LBSer to have to lose them as family.

So I chose not to.



You also asked me why I'm the better choice... maybe I'm not. I like who I am but if my H doesn't like who I am then maybe I'm not meant to be with him.

BECOME the better choice if you are not already.

But sure, if by some odd chance you were not meant to be together other than to birth some kids....so be it. I don't buy it but if it is, it is.

I would not judge the OW so harshly. IT's a challenge, I know.

So far all you've said she did wrong is date a man who is separated from his wife and probably shared with her the burdens he felt while married to you.
To her, she's not just some hosebag OW "cheating" with a married guy.

Your job is to show them that his data is NO LONGER REAL. IT's not applicable any more. YOU are your old self and you are the mother of his children.

I think he is secondguessing his choices whenever he sees you acting stronger.




I like our connection together when he shows me he's interested in me... like he did the night we went to the T together. I think I'm a very tenderhearted person and I have great values
GOOD

those of which OW does not.

I'm talented and creative and bring something very different to his life. OW is exactly like him. He told me this last night. They finish each other's sentences.

I'm not interested in hearing about her or what you think he likes about her.
OR his perception of her
ALL of which are beyond your control and you are not objective anyhow.

Focus on YOU only. It's the healthy thing to do.

And building up our family together is the biggest reason of all. This is what breaks my heart right now.

I'm not going to compete with their connection because I shouldn't have to.

well he IS comparing how he feels around her, versus how he Used to feel around you and you do need to make him aware of real changes in how that could be. IF you feel "insulted" by calling that a competition, then you are letting a wounded ego make the choices

How in the world do I go about competing with that anyway? That is exhausting and self-defeating if you ask me.

self defeating? How so?

How do you compete? NOT by staring or caring about OW.

But By being a woman only a fool would leave. A woman who loves herself and truly is better and healthier now.

A woman who knows that if he makes the unfortunate choice (FOR HIM) to be with her instead, that's sad, but not fatal TO YOU.

That you will be fine anyhow. That you are not mortally wounded and you will be happy as you are getting closer to inner contentment every day,
thanks to the NEW YOU and all the personal work and change this has created for you thanks.

A warm loving woman who knows she pushed her h away, but would like him to know it is safe to come home b/c his dreams of what you two could have had

that held him there for so long, CAN come true.

I know he needs someone to help him clear his head. And I'm grateful he's taking the opportunity.

keep up the good attitude

This is very hard because I see two sides of him on a monthly basis it seems. I GET that he's confused. But in the mean time he's killing me!! I want to be strong and act as if this doesn't bother me. I do it and do it and do it and then I burst. He keeps giving me hope and I keep letting him in my heart and it keeps hurting me all over again.

work on DETACHMENT a lot more my friend, It will help you so much.


The cycle is horrible and I guess you'd think I'd learn by now. But when all you're wanting is your family back together and to stop spending every night alone... sometimes those moments of what they can give are worth it.


what if, instead, you wanted to become the best YOU that you can become

and if you do that, what if you then left the results of that work, in God's hands?


I've been working on this since Feb. But, yes, I've had major backslides along the way. I found out about his PA in March and just didn't think my H was capable of such a thing. He lied so many times to my face about it. He really shook my world and it made me want to die. I get what you're saying, though, I haven't been doing this long enough. It feels like an eternity though. We've been married for almost 9 years, but 8 when he left me.


what specifically was inappropriate? Your inlaws like you, right?

So OW came over and sat in their house. They were not making love, right?

What would you have them do, realistically?

I guess I still look at hanging out with your girlfriend (inviting her over for Sunday dinner) when you're telling your wife that you want to work on your M as inappropriate but I guess I should stop thinking that way.


that's true. it does NOT help you to judge their behavior, esp in light of the pain his parents are in, the difficulty they must have with this situation

it's very awkward for them. They love their son but that does NOT take away from you. Maybe they are curious to see if he's really truly happier with this new woman. But they also are grandparents and that must be gut wrenching for them/

Try to have empathy for them or you'll fall into that well of self despair. IT's not helping you or anyone.


It's just insanely crazy to see your in-laws all cuddled up on the couch with OW having a conversation when just two months before they were balling their eyes out because they didn't want this to happen and they missed you. Really confusing.

you are not the only one confused

and you have to stop biasing all the things you say and see. I'd bet anything they were not comfortable or "Cuddled" Up unless there were no other seats....come on, why project all that?


I just need to leave. I will never be ok with this.

what does that mean?

[25yearsmlc]

wish we could edit!!! Let me try again

However, his downfall is that he never had a serious talk with me about how all of this was affecting him. In fact, he was still showing me in little ways that he loved me and so when it all came crashing down, it was very, very confusing.

So if he'd mistreated you, or been ugly or unloving, that would have been so much better? Really?

My hope was not that he would have mistreated me, but that he would have stopped the facade and just been honest with me about how he was feeling about me.

maybe what you mean is that you were not thinking straight, b/c of the depression. Otherwise, most of this would have been obviously so one sided that a sensitive spouse would know his life was not fulfilling and you were a burden.

The upshot is HE tried by being kind and loving to you, to "will" you to be better. IT's an exhausting task that does not belong to him, in reality.



I don't know if you've ever been seriously depressed before or not, 25, but that itself is a very selfish illness.

YES i've been depressed. I blamed myself for my father's death and it was NOT a healthy time for me. "Grief induced thought disorder" is the label. And "major depressive episode." Been there, done that.

Before I got help and 6 weeks after his death, out of the blue my then 4 year old d asked me if I was going to be "sad, everyday" (as in, forever). b/c it was new to her and very lonely for her. It hit me that I had to do SOMETHING.

THAT comment woke me up and I had an appointment the next day. Thank GOD I did.



It's too hard to look outside yourself and see how your actions are affecting others when it takes all you have to just get up and take a shower everyday. I do not excuse my behavior. I have very much taken responsibility for my actions and have expressed that to H several times.


how long are you talking? Also, even so, and I feel for you, the issue remains, how would the marriage be better FOR HIM if he were to reconcile? I mean isn't he allowed to feel safer if he goes back?

How will he know you won't slip back and shoulder him with everything again?

I know there are no guarantees, but he has to trust that your changes are real and permanent or he'll be AFRAID of living like that again.

When you take yourself out of your own pain for a minute now, can you see his?

Can you see how fearful he must be, of returning to the marriage and of it reverting?



I really do appreciate your questions. As hard as it is for me to think about this today... you've brought up a lot of issues that I need to figure out. As far as the fainting... I don't necessarily see it as a moment of weakness, I just see it as my mind/body taking a toll and it couldn't take it anymore. I have never in my life ever fainted... I'm just not that kind of a person.

When I said that I have no one, I meant no one to go home to. I was on my way to my brother's house and him and his wife are so negative that I just could not fathom going there after what had happened. So when I left, I was trying figure out where I could go. So I went to my best friend's house and talked with her and her husband for the rest of the night. They have been great friends with me and my H.

Not to quibble but to point out the upside you DO have someone...and I seriously doubt anyone on that couch in your inlaws was all that "comfy".

When my brother brought over new women after leaving my favorite SIL, I always felt awkward, Even after she remarried and was happy. I felt disloyal but my siblings said I needed to catch up with reality.

I can honestly say I stay in touch with my former SIL more than with my brother and she IS happier than she ever would have been with my brother. Just fyi. IT's NOT easy on the family that loves the LBSer to have to lose them as family.

So I chose not to.



You also asked me why I'm the better choice... maybe I'm not. I like who I am but if my H doesn't like who I am then maybe I'm not meant to be with him.

BECOME the better choice if you are not already.

But sure, if by some odd chance you were not meant to be together other than to birth some kids....so be it. I don't buy it but if it is, it is.

I would not judge the OW so harshly. IT's a challenge, I know.

So far all you've said she did wrong is date a man who is separated from his wife and probably shared with her the burdens he felt while married to you.
To her, she's not just some hosebag OW "cheating" with a married guy.

Your job is to show them that his data is NO LONGER REAL. IT's not applicable any more. YOU are your old self and you are the mother of his children.

I think he is secondguessing his choices whenever he sees you acting stronger.




I like our connection together when he shows me he's interested in me... like he did the night we went to the T together. I think I'm a very tenderhearted person and I have great values
GOOD

those of which OW does not.

I'm talented and creative and bring something very different to his life. OW is exactly like him. He told me this last night. They finish each other's sentences.

I'm not interested in hearing about her or what you think he likes about her.
OR his perception of her
ALL of which are beyond your control and you are not objective anyhow.

Focus on YOU only. It's the healthy thing to do.

And building up our family together is the biggest reason of all. This is what breaks my heart right now.

I'm not going to compete with their connection because I shouldn't have to.

well he IS comparing how he feels around her, versus how he Used to feel around you and you do need to make him aware of real changes in how that could be. IF you feel "insulted" by calling that a competition, then you are letting a wounded ego make the choices

How in the world do I go about competing with that anyway? That is exhausting and self-defeating if you ask me.


self defeating? How so?

How do you compete? NOT by staring or caring about OW.

But By being a woman only a fool would leave. A woman who loves herself and truly is better and healthier now.

A woman who knows that if he makes the unfortunate choice (FOR HIM) to be with her instead, that's sad, but not fatal TO YOU.

That you will be fine anyhow. That you are not mortally wounded and you will be happy as you are getting closer to inner contentment every day,
thanks to the NEW YOU and all the personal work and change this has created for you thanks.

A warm loving woman who knows she pushed her h away, but would like him to know it is safe to come home b/c his dreams of what you two could have had

that held him there for so long, CAN come true.

I know he needs someone to help him clear his head. And I'm grateful he's taking the opportunity.

keep up the good attitude

This is very hard because I see two sides of him on a monthly basis it seems. I GET that he's confused. But in the mean time he's killing me!! I want to be strong and act as if this doesn't bother me. I do it and do it and do it and then I burst. He keeps giving me hope and I keep letting him in my heart and it keeps hurting me all over again.

work on DETACHMENT a lot more my friend, It will help you so much.


The cycle is horrible and I guess you'd think I'd learn by now. But when all you're wanting is your family back together and to stop spending every night alone... sometimes those moments of what they can give are worth it.


what if, instead, you wanted to become the best YOU that you can become

and if you do that, what if you then left the results of that work, in God's hands?


I've been working on this since Feb. But, yes, I've had major backslides along the way. I found out about his PA in March and just didn't think my H was capable of such a thing. He lied so many times to my face about it. He really shook my world and it made me want to die. I get what you're saying, though, I haven't been doing this long enough. It feels like an eternity though. We've been married for almost 9 years, but 8 when he left me.


what specifically was inappropriate? Your inlaws like you, right?

So OW came over and sat in their house. They were not making love, right?

What would you have them do, realistically?

I guess I still look at hanging out with your girlfriend (inviting her over for Sunday dinner) when you're telling your wife that you want to work on your M as inappropriate but I guess I should stop thinking that way.


that's true. it does NOT help you to judge their behavior, esp in light of the pain his parents are in, the difficulty they must have with this situation

it's very awkward for them. They love their son but that does NOT take away from you. Maybe they are curious to see if he's really truly happier with this new woman. But they also are grandparents and that must be gut wrenching for them/

Try to have empathy for them or you'll fall into that well of self despair. IT's not helping you or anyone.


It's just insanely crazy to see your in-laws all cuddled up on the couch with OW having a conversation when just two months before they were balling their eyes out because they didn't want this to happen and they missed you. Really confusing.

you are not the only one confused

and you have to stop biasing all the things you say and see. I'd bet anything they were not comfortable or "Cuddled" Up unless there were no other seats....come on, why project all that?


I just need to leave. I will never be ok with this.

what does that mean?

[jks]

I will respond more... I really like a lot of the things you said, 25. But one thing I want to elaborate more on is that OW has been a family friend to H's family for several years now. H has worked with her for 6 years. She did a triathlon with H in April last year which H's parents were at, she ran a relay with H, his dad, and his sister last year and this year, she went camping with me, H, my kids, H's parents and sister last year, she's been at several work parties that H's parents have been to as well. H's father is a cop too so he works with this woman also. They are all a lot closer than you think and I really do believe that they don't want this but they still welcome her with open arms which makes it REALLY easy for H to continue this. So when I say cuddled up on the couch with her. I mean it. They are not feeling awkward having her around. The only awkward part was me walking into the house witnessing what they were doing.

I think they felt ashamed.

[Nblost]

JKS,
I've had the "confused" H for a year now but finally pushed him off his fence. My H had the affair first...and just now moved out. I agree with some of the other responses that "confusion" can just be an excuse for them to try to maintain both lives as long as possible.

Being on the fence also doesn't mean they are ML to both parties. In my situation, H was keeping me emotionally invested enough so that he could continue to come home and have a facade of a family.

I loved your 4th of July post and I think you saw a glimmer or how life can be okay (even great!) without your H. Reading about you fainting was horrible...and a sign you CANNOT continue to deal with him and this situation.

I think you should detach from him and consider filing (or at least tell him you are considering it). His behavior may get "uglier" because he won't be happy you are forcing the issue. But, I don't think you should go on like this.

If he eventually wakes up, you can consider getting back together with him then...and I bet he will come around as you GAL and make yourself a better person. But, you deserve better now!

[25yearsmlc]

I will respond more...

I really like a lot of the things you said, 25. But one thing I want to elaborate more on is that OW has been a family friend to H's family for several years now. H has worked with her for 6 years. She did a triathlon with H in April last year which H's parents were at, she ran a relay with H, his dad, and his sister last year and this year, she went camping with me, H, my kids, H's parents and sister last year, she's been at several work parties that H's parents have been to as well. H's father is a cop too so he works with this woman also. They are all a lot closer than you think and I really do believe that they don't want this but they still welcome her with open arms which makes it REALLY easy for H to continue this.

just for ME to get the recap here, so is your h a cop, and his father, and her? And her dad too? ALSO Wasn't she married at some time? I'm just trying to figure it out. Not sure which part matters most but wanted to "get it".


So when I say cuddled up on the couch with her. I mean it. They are not feeling awkward having her around. The only awkward part was me walking into the house witnessing what they were doing.

Okay maybe then, YOU created awkwardness for them. Think about that. Do you think that awkwardness converts into sympathy for you?

I'm NOT sure it doesn't convert, but I do doubt it.

I think they felt ashamed.


2 things you need to know, First, you are completely mind reading.

Second, I have bad news for you. When most people feel shame, it nearly always converts into blame.

I know my h was ashamed at one mc's office b/c he felt he was "maybe being selfish" (which was a serious understatement).

What matters is, whether that changed his course of action. It did NOT.

Oh maybe a day of delay and a bit of affection tossed in...
But my H was too uncomfortable not being the good guy so after a short time of remorse, he'd usually rationalize it and make ME the bad guy for making him feel bad.

Just "proved" how unreasonable/bitter/negative I was being.

Calling him deceitful infuritated him but it was a FACT that he had lied. Saying he was selfish did not ever help me or my cause. Not even once.

He could not deal with that and reconcile the behavior with his self image of being an involved father and loyal h. So he reconciled the images by making ME wrong.

And imo, and in all 3 marriage counselor's we saw, he was told he was being selfish. Did that change his behavior? NO!

So I'm telling you even when it's true, the labels and name calling do not help.

H said I had brainwashed the mc's b/c I'm a L I argue well and they were all biased. Later, I found a male mc who connected with h and steered away from labels and certainly was the most helpful.

But there's only so much a man can hear if he believes in his heart of hearts that he works hard and has given a lot already.

I think your h sees himself as a victim h. To an extent, you agreed with that assessment until you saw him with OW. So...

Let me ask you this tough question, and you may not know the answer yet. That's okay.

But did you really want to make the changes you are making, and own the role you played in this breakdown of the m,

before you learned of OW?


IOW, IS there a part of you that just hates not "winning" more than actually losing him?


You admit a lot of backslides. In a way, it's hard to know what changes your h believes have happened.

Also since the labels/comdemnation didn't help, at all, OR show change in me, I'm not sure how you benefit by declaring him wrong and inappropriate so often. Looks like more of the same AND it Seems to harden your heart.

For me, at some point I chose to forgive my h and make my own changes.

But that does not mean I don't think he went thru a very selfish time.

If he had not been selfish or deceitful there would not have been much to forgive.

I will post you a copy of a letter from a WAW to her h. The LBS h says he has changed for "Months" (and I think he had).

He was shocked that his WAW didn't come home right then. That she'd waffle between OM and her h...

see if her letter to her LBS h might apply to your sitch with the roles reversed. NOT saying all of it, but maybe some....

[25yearsmlc]

here's that letter from the WAS to her LBS, who feels he has made the necessary changes for his WAW to return...obviously I'm saying maybe your h feels the way the WAW does so you'd need to reverse the roles.

(The woman wrote it to a LBSer who reminded her of her h and past situation)

FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M.

I was the ignored, the devalued, the taken for granted in almost every way, the one who was treated as less than. I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that. I was mistreated for a long long time and my needs were not met for a long long time.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H. Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from.

When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated, does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope.

You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.
________

[25yearsmlc]

jks
I would also point out that it sounds as if he knew OW before he married you- but he chose you. He had his many reasons then. Back then, you "won".

Later on, you were depressed and it's very hard. You may think that I'm overlooking your depression = I AM NOT. But

let's think of HIS feelings and perspective a bit more. Why?


B/c if HE does not believe the marriage can be better/different, than he won't return. Pretty simple and not insane or "inappropriate."

You can have all the reasons in the world (many can be "good" reasons) for not meeting his needs,

but doesn't he have the right to want those needs met?

If not a "right" to be happy, then certainly a "want".

I want you to stay on your course of self improvement and become the woman you were meant to become.

I believe becoming THAT woman, will help you win this race

whether you reconcile or not.

IT's just your best shot at happiness IN the marriage OR OUT of the marriage.

Make sense?

[lillystillinlove]

25yrs,

Thank you for the last 2 posts, I seem to be in a similar situation as jks. I have a hard time remembering to see things from my H's perspective. I'm quick to anger and very reactive and I'm very impatient in this aspect, he also had a little bit more than an EA, kissing but no sex... don't laugh, it's getting me through right now. I want to be back on track now, but he is very resistant. He has plenty of reasons to not trust my changes, years of minimal sex/intimacy and severe depression on my part. Breathe and be patient, be thankful for the little moments and have no expectations. I should probably have this tattoo'd on my hand so I don't forget.

[BklynMom]

great conversation, so much stuff I needed to hear.

25 - I read a lot of your posts and I have never seen that letter before. I love it and need to read it over and over again when I just dont understand why my H hasnt seen my changes and come running home.

Jks, my H hasnt come (yet). But really working on myself has been a gift of this crisis. So far I have run half marathon, run, do lots of yoga, joined Al anon and met many new friends through the program, am learning guitar, I hire a cleaning lady sometimes, I go to therapy twice a week and raise & care for 2 wonderful girls.

Because of this crisis I have choose to work less then I used to work and its been wonderful. I have spent more time with my girls and I really feel a more deep connection with them.

I spend money frivoilously when it makes me feel good or makes my life easier because its taking care of me. I was taught by my mother that taking care of myself was a waste of money, doing anything that could make you feel good, even buying a trashing mag. was a sinful waste of money. Those little frivolious things have helped me make it through over a year of this.

I have/had a good relationship with my in laws. They were very confused when this happened because my H never indicated there were any problems until he left us. Initially they were very confused and were stand offish with me. I think now they have a clearer understanding of what is going on - they have seen me do everything in my power to work on me from Alanon to therapy and they seen my H hire a lawyer. They have seen me give up work to care for my girls, while my h takes work in another part of the country.

It is much clearer to everyone including myself what is going on here. Yes my/our behavior was bad but it takes months/years for them to regain our trust.

Every DB coach I have spoken to has drilled into me to change my time frame. I thought they were nuts. But that is the best advice I can give you. If you change your time frame you will recognize that you have time to show your changes. You need to believe that you are and can be the most awesome woman out there. The woman only a fool would leave. You are the mother of his children that counts for a lot.

You need to fully commit to being the best you, you can be. I honestly (on most days) feel better about myself on the inside and out (cause now I take the time to get my hair done and pick out a nice outfit each day) then I have in years.

Hang in there, you are not alone