Needing some guidance... 5

[25yearsmlc]

However, his downfall is that he never had a serious talk with me about how all of this was affecting him. In fact, he was still showing me in little ways that he loved me and so when it all came crashing down, it was very, very confusing.

So if he'd mistreated you, or been ugly or unloving, that would have been so much better? Really?

My hope was not that he would have mistreated me, but that he would have stopped the facade and just been honest with me about how he was feeling about me.

maybe what you mean is that you were not thinking straight, b/c of the depression. Otherwise, most of this would have been obviously so one sided that a sensitive spouse would know his life was not fulfilling and you were a burden.

The upshot is HE tried by being kind and loving to you, to "will" you to be better. IT's an exhausting task that does not belong to him, in reality.



I don't know if you've ever been seriously depressed before or not, 25, but that itself is a very selfish illness.

YES i've been depressed. I blamed myself for my father's death and it was NOT a healthy time for me. "Grief induced thought disorder" is the label. And "major depressive episode." Been there, done that.

Before I got help and 6 weeks after his death, out of the blue my then 4 year old d asked me if I was going to be "sad, everyday" (as in, forever). b/c it was new to her and very lonely for her. It hit me that I had to do SOMETHING.

THAT comment woke me up and I had an appointment the next day. Thank GOD I did.



It's too hard to look outside yourself and see how your actions are affecting others when it takes all you have to just get up and take a shower everyday. I do not excuse my behavior. I have very much taken responsibility for my actions and have expressed that to H several times.


how long are you talking? Also, even so, and I feel for you, the issue remains, how would the marriage be better FOR HIM if he were to reconcile? I mean isn't he allowed to feel safer if he goes back?

How will he know you won't slip back and shoulder him with everything again?

I know there are no guarantees, but he has to trust that your changes are real and permanent or he'll be AFRAID of living like that again.

When you take yourself out of your own pain for a minute now, can you see his?

Can you see how fearful he must be, of returning to the marriage and of it reverting?



I really do appreciate your questions. As hard as it is for me to think about this today... you've brought up a lot of issues that I need to figure out. As far as the fainting... I don't necessarily see it as a moment of weakness, I just see it as my mind/body taking a toll and it couldn't take it anymore. I have never in my life ever fainted... I'm just not that kind of a person.

When I said that I have no one, I meant no one to go home to. I was on my way to my brother's house and him and his wife are so negative that I just could not fathom going there after what had happened. So when I left, I was trying figure out where I could go. So I went to my best friend's house and talked with her and her husband for the rest of the night. They have been great friends with me and my H.

Not to quibble but to point out the upside you DO have someone...and I seriously doubt anyone on that couch in your inlaws was all that "comfy".

When my brother brought over new women after leaving my favorite SIL, I always felt awkward, Even after she remarried and was happy. I felt disloyal but my siblings said I needed to catch up with reality.

I can honestly say I stay in touch with my former SIL more than with my brother and she IS happier than she ever would have been with my brother. Just fyi. IT's NOT easy on the family that loves the LBSer to have to lose them as family.

So I chose not to.



You also asked me why I'm the better choice... maybe I'm not. I like who I am but if my H doesn't like who I am then maybe I'm not meant to be with him.

BECOME the better choice if you are not already.

But sure, if by some odd chance you were not meant to be together other than to birth some kids....so be it. I don't buy it but if it is, it is.

I would not judge the OW so harshly. IT's a challenge, I know.

So far all you've said she did wrong is date a man who is separated from his wife and probably shared with her the burdens he felt while married to you.
To her, she's not just some hosebag OW "cheating" with a married guy.

Your job is to show them that his data is NO LONGER REAL. IT's not applicable any more. YOU are your old self and you are the mother of his children.

I think he is secondguessing his choices whenever he sees you acting stronger.




I like our connection together when he shows me he's interested in me... like he did the night we went to the T together. I think I'm a very tenderhearted person and I have great values
GOOD

those of which OW does not.

I'm talented and creative and bring something very different to his life. OW is exactly like him. He told me this last night. They finish each other's sentences.

I'm not interested in hearing about her or what you think he likes about her.
OR his perception of her
ALL of which are beyond your control and you are not objective anyhow.

Focus on YOU only. It's the healthy thing to do.

And building up our family together is the biggest reason of all. This is what breaks my heart right now.

I'm not going to compete with their connection because I shouldn't have to.

well he IS comparing how he feels around her, versus how he Used to feel around you and you do need to make him aware of real changes in how that could be. IF you feel "insulted" by calling that a competition, then you are letting a wounded ego make the choices

How in the world do I go about competing with that anyway? That is exhausting and self-defeating if you ask me.

self defeating? How so?

How do you compete? NOT by staring or caring about OW.

But By being a woman only a fool would leave. A woman who loves herself and truly is better and healthier now.

A woman who knows that if he makes the unfortunate choice (FOR HIM) to be with her instead, that's sad, but not fatal TO YOU.

That you will be fine anyhow. That you are not mortally wounded and you will be happy as you are getting closer to inner contentment every day,
thanks to the NEW YOU and all the personal work and change this has created for you thanks.

A warm loving woman who knows she pushed her h away, but would like him to know it is safe to come home b/c his dreams of what you two could have had

that held him there for so long, CAN come true.

I know he needs someone to help him clear his head. And I'm grateful he's taking the opportunity.

keep up the good attitude

This is very hard because I see two sides of him on a monthly basis it seems. I GET that he's confused. But in the mean time he's killing me!! I want to be strong and act as if this doesn't bother me. I do it and do it and do it and then I burst. He keeps giving me hope and I keep letting him in my heart and it keeps hurting me all over again.

work on DETACHMENT a lot more my friend, It will help you so much.


The cycle is horrible and I guess you'd think I'd learn by now. But when all you're wanting is your family back together and to stop spending every night alone... sometimes those moments of what they can give are worth it.


what if, instead, you wanted to become the best YOU that you can become

and if you do that, what if you then left the results of that work, in God's hands?


I've been working on this since Feb. But, yes, I've had major backslides along the way. I found out about his PA in March and just didn't think my H was capable of such a thing. He lied so many times to my face about it. He really shook my world and it made me want to die. I get what you're saying, though, I haven't been doing this long enough. It feels like an eternity though. We've been married for almost 9 years, but 8 when he left me.


what specifically was inappropriate? Your inlaws like you, right?

So OW came over and sat in their house. They were not making love, right?

What would you have them do, realistically?

I guess I still look at hanging out with your girlfriend (inviting her over for Sunday dinner) when you're telling your wife that you want to work on your M as inappropriate but I guess I should stop thinking that way.


that's true. it does NOT help you to judge their behavior, esp in light of the pain his parents are in, the difficulty they must have with this situation

it's very awkward for them. They love their son but that does NOT take away from you. Maybe they are curious to see if he's really truly happier with this new woman. But they also are grandparents and that must be gut wrenching for them/

Try to have empathy for them or you'll fall into that well of self despair. IT's not helping you or anyone.


It's just insanely crazy to see your in-laws all cuddled up on the couch with OW having a conversation when just two months before they were balling their eyes out because they didn't want this to happen and they missed you. Really confusing.

you are not the only one confused

and you have to stop biasing all the things you say and see. I'd bet anything they were not comfortable or "Cuddled" Up unless there were no other seats....come on, why project all that?


I just need to leave. I will never be ok with this.

what does that mean?