Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

Btw, I love and appreciate all of your posts to my thread. I'm re-reading them over and over again. It's amazing to have such a great support system here.

I feel very much like I'm starting over. I keep going through the same cycle and it's unhealthy. I feel like I need to take myself out of this equation. How do I do that? Do I move away? Do I take my kids with me? Do I leave them here with H? These are some tough questions that I have been really mulling over since Sunday.

I am very much ok with who I am. I feel like I really have forgiven myself for the things I did in the past to hurt my H. And I feel like I've come so far on working on myself, my self esteem, my depression, my ability to get things done around the house. I don't want what H is doing to affect me anymore.

I want to quit backsliding. I just want to leave. I don't want to do the friendly kid exchanges anymore. I don't want to pretend that I'm ok with his affair anymore. I want to be freed of this.

How do I let go? There were so many times during our conversation that I was looking at him and I didn't see the man that I thought was there. He's become something that I'm not sure about anymore. And for me to think about letting that go doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the three little children that will suffer because of us. And people may differ from my opinion that they will not suffer but I believe their life will be so much harder because we weren't able to get it together.

I'm losing my will to fight. And maybe I'm just talking crazy right now because I'm so so so tired of the whiplash that I keep experiencing and it never seems like it will ever change. He's different. He wants different things. And I'm not wholeheartedly on board with those things that he wants.

Just some really painful realizations. Am I being a fool for sticking around now? Just thinking aloud here... I am lost.