jks, i'm so sorry for all your worries and sadness. i can't imagine how i would handle what you've been able to handle. you are so, so strong!
i know you will get back on track. we all get these feelings of not being able to cope with it anymore; that rush of having to do something, ANYTHING, to make forward progress.
i think it's our "controller" wanting to fix things that are out of our control.
your H appears to be doing the "touch and go" that i read about on here when there's an OW on the scene. i look at that as a positive.
it reminds me of this small airport near my home where they train the navy pilots. all day long these small planes are practicing landing maneuvers; they come in, fly low, and the wheels touch the ground but then, they're off again, circling around for another approach and do it all over again.
they are practicing for the big landing. all the touch and go helps them decide when they're ready to finally land. each time, they get closer and closer to making it, and better and better. it builds their confidence and lets them know they are safe.
keep being there for his practice shots. i know it's so very, very hard but you are so very, very strong.
((()))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
your H appears to be doing the "touch and go" that i read about on here when there's an OW on the scene. i look at that as a positive.
it reminds me of this small airport near my home where they train the navy pilots. all day long these small planes are practicing landing maneuvers; they come in, fly low, and the wheels touch the ground but then, they're off again, circling around for another approach and do it all over again.
they are practicing for the big landing. all the touch and go helps them decide when they're ready to finally land. each time, they get closer and closer to making it, and better and better. it builds their confidence and lets them know they are safe.
keep being there for his practice shots. i know it's so very, very hard but you are so very, very strong.
((()))
SS this was a great post! Jks, I hope you're feeling better about things today. A new day brings new light and hopefully a new perspective.
SS, I needed this today. I keep being told by others to kick H out or they always remind me that he said he's moving out, and I should just face the facts. Hard to stay positive when all you're getting is negative feedback. So thank you for reminding me to stay the course.
JKS i'm so sorry you went through that..and we have all been that person. Oprah once said no matter how strong the woman every woman has had that "hiding in the bushes moment" (in her case to see if he was cheating)
I think you have a wonderful opportunity. You are probably thinking SAY WHAT? But I look back to when my ex was still saying maybe we could work on things when he was first dating OW and what happened I pushed him away with as someone said before righteous indignation, pleading, begging, crying, etc. My DB coach said it best....men will go where they feel good. If you make him feel good......he'll gravitate to you. I made him feel guilty, like a failure, that he was making bad decisions, that he was irresponsible, etc.
If he's confused let him be confused. Drop the rope and concetrate on you. Get you back to being happy, healthy, fun etc. If the idea of the OW having a "connection" with him scares you, how do you think she feels, you're his WIFE, the mother of his KIDS! Trust me that's a connection!
No more confrontations....it's never going to end well or get you closer to where you want to be.
I'm sorry you're in the place you are. I was there.. May 22ed. I know the exact day. And I'd quit smoking a few days before. Oh wait April 8th Easter weekend. haha You will move past this, you will get stronger. You can!
What to do... what to do. I don't want to have him come back to me and tell me these things again only to continually date his girlfriend. It's awful!!
Have you considered setting a more firm boundary or going darker? I had a similar dynamic w/ my WAW and it came to a point where it was not emotionally healthy for me to see her so often because it would trigger feelings of hope and expectations whereas she seemed comfortable with flirting and being friends.
Give yourself some space and you may find that you detach further emotionally from him and put some more power within yourself. You can always re-engage more at some point down the line.
brit is right, we have all been there.. and i join brit in wishing i had been stronger and handled it better. and the advice on space is great too.
love SS' post on touch and goes... put that somewhere you can see it when you need it. memorize it, remind yourself over and over again so you are able to see it and recognize it before reacting. (I wish I had understood that when W was still going back and forth.)
((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Have you considered setting a more firm boundary or going darker? I had a similar dynamic w/ my WAW and it came to a point where it was not emotionally healthy for me to see her so often because it would trigger feelings of hope and expectations whereas she seemed comfortable with flirting and being friends.
I have considered this just yesterday but I don't know how much darker I can go. I only see him when we exchange kids. I only text him about the kids, house or finances. When we exchange kids our conversation is light and pretty short. What more do you suggest??
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I wanted to reply to your post from bustingout’s thread on yours.
Originally Posted By: jks
LITB, I really, really needed to read these two posts you shared today. Wow. I have been so frustrated with myself these last couple days because I keep letting H, OW and their actions affect me.
I need to get out of the way and let it run its course. It sounds so easy. But it is THE hardest thing to master.
Yeah, it sukks, it hurts and it is the hardest thing to deal with.
You are a very intelligent and articulate woman. You know what needs to be done and you know when you focus on certain things they hurt.
It is like sitting next to the fire place, being mesmerized by the flames and knowing that putting your hand in the fire is going to hurt. It brings you unwanted pain.
You know to walk away from the fireplace, look out the window and enjoy the beauty that lies outside in this big world. It is inviting. You go outside and begin to live your life (GAL) as those flames in the fireplace become ashes.
You will be having so much fun and enjoying your life that the fireplace will be far away from your mind. It is empowering to feel that freedom.
I have no doubt that you will get there.
NOTE: When thoughts of your H and OW begin to creep in your head, picture a huge stop sign or one of us with a 2x4. Then try to put your focus elsewhere. It will become easier over time.
It is work no matter what you do. You might as well make the best of it.
Originally Posted By: jks
I love that you continue to come back to the boards to give advice and guidance to others who are still trying to find their way. It shows a great deal of character from you.
Thank you for your kind words jks. I am glad to help.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Btw, I love and appreciate all of your posts to my thread. I'm re-reading them over and over again. It's amazing to have such a great support system here.
I feel very much like I'm starting over. I keep going through the same cycle and it's unhealthy. I feel like I need to take myself out of this equation. How do I do that? Do I move away? Do I take my kids with me? Do I leave them here with H? These are some tough questions that I have been really mulling over since Sunday.
I am very much ok with who I am. I feel like I really have forgiven myself for the things I did in the past to hurt my H. And I feel like I've come so far on working on myself, my self esteem, my depression, my ability to get things done around the house. I don't want what H is doing to affect me anymore.
I want to quit backsliding. I just want to leave. I don't want to do the friendly kid exchanges anymore. I don't want to pretend that I'm ok with his affair anymore. I want to be freed of this.
How do I let go? There were so many times during our conversation that I was looking at him and I didn't see the man that I thought was there. He's become something that I'm not sure about anymore. And for me to think about letting that go doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the three little children that will suffer because of us. And people may differ from my opinion that they will not suffer but I believe their life will be so much harder because we weren't able to get it together.
I'm losing my will to fight. And maybe I'm just talking crazy right now because I'm so so so tired of the whiplash that I keep experiencing and it never seems like it will ever change. He's different. He wants different things. And I'm not wholeheartedly on board with those things that he wants.
Just some really painful realizations. Am I being a fool for sticking around now? Just thinking aloud here... I am lost.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
