Thread #7 - What goes down, might come up.

[sayitaintso]

Great Post Starsky

[Navyguy]

I think I do understand the difference. The problem is I've been too afraid to take any action other than talking to her and telling her she's hurting me when she breaks my boundaries.

I tell her that she can do whatever she wants, but that I am not willing to accept certain behaviors.

But then I tolerate them.

And then I resent them.

And my hurt builds all over again.

[scaredsilly]

Then you don't have boundaries because you are afraid to have them. Until you have them, you will continue to feel this way.

[Starsky309]

Yep. Intead of "boundaries," you've got "geeIreallywishyouwouldn't's."

[25yearsmlc]

Yep. Intead of "boundaries," you've got "geeIreallywishyouwouldn't's."

yep...and for me the saddest part was when you were going to decide "if it's okay" with you

for her to have a R with OM. As in dating him...I mean, what would it take for YOU to be the one to want out of this nightmare?

As for what I DID to change my situation, I protected myself. And I GAL.

I took the kids to Italy for our wedding anniversary b/c I knew h would be gone. Lo and behold, a few DAYS before we were to leave he announced that he could

"go for part of it" and it would require changing a bunch of plans and I said, as gently as I could, "too late, never thought you'd join us since last year you just sent flowers", etc.

It bugged the heck out of him but it was an excellent trip and I barely thought of him the whole time. There was almost no conflict on the trip too.

Also I applied for jobs that would take me overseas after d1 graduated...NOT to where h was living. He realized I was planning a happy life, without him...

I also filed for a sep, NOT a divorce, mainly b/c my Godsent lawyer told me she had hope for us and

all I really "needed" to do was protect our assets from h "investing" with his heroes on the tundra.

He had already gone thru 6 figures in savings of ours to finance his venture, which did NOT pan out the way he hoped, at all.

It cost us a fortune but we did not lose our house. 2 or 3 years ago, which is about 2 or 3 years after I had filed for the sep, he mentioned how happy he was

that "WE DID NOT MORTGAGE OUR HOME TO FINANCE THOSE GUYS" and seemed to have no recall

how that occurred. I don't care if he recalls how I protected our assets, I just did. But a part of me was amazed at his amnesia.

The Italy trip must have bugged him but he did not criticize it (how could he?) so much as sulk. At some point or level he knew it was his doing.

And when he finally left to "check out Alaska" on his own, alone, I stayed behind to help our kids and oldest d graduate.

And I did not want to go. He was a lot lonelier than I was. I'm an extreme extrovert and he's not, and he got depressed and lonely.

I flew up to surprise him for his 50th in part bc I felt sorry for him but also b/c he was saying a lot of things I needed to hear. It seemed like a loving thing to do and it was on my own, not b/c of his asking. It definitely surprised him.

He cried when he saw me. It took another year for him to convince me to join him which I did FOR ONE YEAR and when it did not pan out for HIM

or HIS JOB or HIS ADVENTURE, we jointly agreed to leave.. The question was when. Then his mother got terminal cancer and the decision was fast and swift to leave then and there.

We began piecing, (harder b/c his mom was dying and WE were caring for her, which meant, ME a lot of time) and then we went to Retrovaille after about a year of it, and that gave us some new tools. Dealing with a dying relative is extremely stressful, needless to say. Heck of a time to reconcile and piece.

I also went back to EE for a refresher on communication without heat and also to clarify MY LIFE goals, apart from h. That helped a lot. I'm THRILLED you are going. If you can, if you are comfortable, let me know your first name and I'll pass it on to make sure you get what you need. Sometimes they fill up.

The big downside to my marriage now, is his reserve unit deploys next month so we'll be apart for quite some time with zero physical contact. I hate that and I know he does too. His LL is touch. Not so easy. Mine is quality time together...also not so easy to do 6000 (8000????) miles apart.

But it's an external cause, not a marital one. I know I'll get through it.

Anyhow, enough about me. Just thought I'd give you examples of what I meant by DOING, not talking.

Hope this helps. I KNOW EE will. I cannot wait to hear what you discover and clarify...

[Navyguy]

I guess I should have been more clear. I want W to have friends. What I am deciding on is if I can tolerate this friendship. I will not tolerate her dating someone.

I left this out, but last night, I told her that I have two "conditions" on this arrangement right now. These are the boundaries I have set.

1. No dating.
2. No destructive drinking.

I do want out of this nightmare. I have just held on to the only way out being reconciliation for a long time. That's what has to change.

My name is Michael, I usually go by Mike.

I also added that there could be more if something comes up.

[Navyguy]

Oops, screwed that post up. The last line should be after my list of 2 boundaries.

[scaredsilly]

well, get ready for HER definition of "dating".

if i were to meet someone on FB and agree to have dinner with him, my H would consider it a date. i could call it whatever i wanted to; friendship, friends, acquaintance, crony, blah, blah, blah.

it is what it is. boundaries should not leave room for interpretation. they need to be clear so you're not moving them around to accomodate someone who wants to take advantage of you.

just my opinion.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm a woman with 5 brothers who grew up with a ton of male friends. I work with a lot of men and I'm in a male dominated field, as in women make up 12% of the field...so I probably have more of an excuse for male contact,

and yet

for ME to have a "reasonable" "friendship" dinner with a man that was not work related, (work related dinners are almost always scheduled in advance and would rarely be with him alone)

I'd still have the following boundaries understood...

OM would have to be known to be gay, or terminally ill, or someone who I knew for decades, like since childhood who was in a verifiable crisis, for there to be any leeway. OH---And if my h had ANY qualms about it, at all, the dinner is off. Period.

I doubt she doesn't know this is BS. She knows.

Is she capable of putting herself in your shoes for a MINUTE?

IF SO ---Ask her how she'd feel if you were to dine with a woman you don't work with, did not tell her about in advance,

AND after you told her you don't desire her AND that you don't want to be married...

NO WAIT...don't ask her. Why bother?

Hang in there buddy, you'll be getting some answers soon I hope.

If you really go to EE, do the work. Be brave. It's the safest environment you'll ever be in for it, and my h and I both did it while we were active duty too. Not an issue. It's even tax deductible (b/c it helps you communicate more effectively, manage time, make boundaries-which I needed when I did criminal defense or I'd go nuts, etc)

Good luck Mike. Really.

[Navyguy]

25, I just signed up. Paid and everything. The woman that called me back asked who referred me...I couldn't say because W was in the room, but if you want to let someone know where I'm coming from, I'm good with that.

I think W has been thinking hard about what she did yesterday. She's REALLY avoiding me since I got home from work.