Needing some guidance... 5

[adinva]

How about go on a hike and take some pics of what you see along the way? Put your sitch down for just a moment.

[reachingHigher]

Breathe, breathe, breathe!

Look outside! You'll feel a little better soon!

You have helped so many here on this forum. You've been a constant source of encouragement for me. You can be proud of that! Even if through tears.

You are on all of our minds and hearts today. You are NOT alone.

You said "I can do hard things." You can do this. You can get through today.


"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"

-Mary Anne Radmacher

[sayitaintso]

This is completely normal J, we all have and will experience it many times during this. Give yourself some time.

((J))

[bustingout]

Jks I am so sorry for the pain. Please remember how strong you are and how far you have come . No decisions from emotions. I hope you remember all the positive inspiration you have goven me over the past several weeks, and how good you make me feel.

Please do something just for you. And take the advice you have been given because it's really good.

Sending you lots of hugs from across the sea.

(((jks)))

[Lost2272]

JKS,
It happened and now it's done. You are still here. I know it hurts. You are surviving though. I don't know what we try to accomplish sometimes when we want to confront or confirm the OW/OM. We think that it will make us feel better but it just makes us feel worse. I guess that's why we are not supposed to snoop.
Walk away and be the classy one.et them figure it out while you try to get control of yourself because you certainly can't control them. I read this the other day and it helped me a little.

"Dont be upset or caught up in things or people you cannot change. Instead, move on, let go & concentrate on what you CAN change. Things that enhance your life. U deserve to be Happy."

[jks]

However, his downfall is that he never had a serious talk with me about how all of this was affecting him. In fact, he was still showing me in little ways that he loved me and so when it all came crashing down, it was very, very confusing.

So if he'd mistreated you, or been ugly or unloving, that would have been so much better? Really?

My hope was not that he would have mistreated me, but that he would have stopped the facade and just been honest with me about how he was feeling about me. I don't know if you've ever been seriously depressed before or not, 25, but that itself is a very selfish illness. It's too hard to look outside yourself and see how your actions are affecting others when it takes all you have to just get up and take a shower everyday. I do not excuse my behavior. I have very much taken responsibility for my actions and have expressed that to H several times.

I really do appreciate your questions. As hard as it is for me to think about this today... you've brought up a lot of issues that I need to figure out. As far as the fainting... I don't necessarily see it as a moment of weakness, I just see it as my mind/body taking a toll and it couldn't take it anymore. I have never in my life ever fainted... I'm just not that kind of a person.

When I said that I have no one, I meant no one to go home to. I was on my way to my brother's house and him and his wife are so negative that I just could not fathom going there after what had happened. So when I left, I was trying figure out where I could go. So I went to my best friend's house and talked with her and her husband for the rest of the night. They have been great friends with me and my H.

You also asked me why I'm the better choice... maybe I'm not. I like who I am but if my H doesn't like who I am then maybe I'm not meant to be with him. I like our connection together when he shows me he's interested in me... like he did the night we went to the T together. I think I'm a very tenderhearted person and I have great values those of which OW does not. I'm talented and creative and bring something very different to his life. OW is exactly like him. He told me this last night. They finish each other's sentences.

And building up our family together is the biggest reason of all. This is what breaks my heart right now.

I'm not going to compete with their connection because I shouldn't have to. How in the world do I go about competing with that anyway? That is exhausting and self-defeating if you ask me.

No, it wasn't his idea to see the T. But he was very much on board when I suggested it. I know he needs someone to help him clear his head. And I'm grateful he's taking the opportunity.

This is very hard because I see two sides of him on a monthly basis it seems. I GET that he's confused. But in the mean time he's killing me!! I want to be strong and act as if this doesn't bother me. I do it and do it and do it and then I burst. He keeps giving me hope and I keep letting him in my heart and it keeps hurting me all over again. The cycle is horrible and I guess you'd think I'd learn by now. But when all you're wanting is your family back together and to stop spending every night alone... sometimes those moments of what they can give are worth it.

how long has it been going on? How long was the marriage? How long have your changes been made to counter the negatives that he perceived and that were real? When you think YOU really began DBing?

I've been working on this since Feb. But, yes, I've had major backslides along the way. I found out about his PA in March and just didn't think my H was capable of such a thing. He lied so many times to my face about it. He really shook my world and it made me want to die. I get what you're saying, though, I haven't been doing this long enough. It feels like an eternity though. We've been married for almost 9 years, but 8 when he left me.

what specifically was inappropriate? Your inlaws like you, right?

So OW came over and sat in their house. They were not making love, right?

What would you have them do, realistically?

I guess I still look at hanging out with your girlfriend (inviting her over for Sunday dinner) when you're telling your wife that you want to work on your M as inappropriate but I guess I should stop thinking that way. It's just insanely crazy to see your in-laws all cuddled up on the couch with OW having a conversation when just two months before they were balling their eyes out because they didn't want this to happen and they missed you. Really confusing.

I just need to leave. I will never be ok with this.

[BFloat]

jks.... take a deep breath sweetheart!

i don't know your whole back story.. i will try to read it when i can.. i've only have the most recent updates.

i'm sorry you're hurting. it definitely isn't fun.

i think you've received some excellent advice from others about taking your time and trying not to place yourself in these situations that you know ultimately do not have a good outcome. walking into your in laws house may have delivered some satisfaction of calling him out on his actions but.. what else could have happen except for him telling you he's confused.. etc etc.

one of the things i learned in my situation was that i could not control or make any decisions for my H. even though i thought i knew what was best for us and for our family.. it was just that. my thoughts.. my beliefs. when i was able to accept that.. my focus shifted on making my own decisions and trying to come out of this with grace and dignity. who did i want to be? how did i want others to see me? did i want to be the sad martyr who gave us so much of herself to make him happy? poor me?? or did i want to be the woman who in the face of adversity did what she could to come out on the other side a better.. stronger.. happier person?

i'm not saying there's some easy magical cure. every now and then i have my struggles.. but ultimately.. i am ok.

turn the focus away from H and back on you. what H does.. you can not control. you only control your own actions..

(((((( ))))))

[BklynMom]

Jks you have an amazing opportunity to show your h the new you. I don't know your sitch well so I don't know your financial sitch but you should really spend some money on yourself. Spend money on a maid service, grocery store pre cooked dinners, have the laundry mat do your laundry, babysitting, then go get your nail done and have the ladies at the dept store cosmetic counter do your make up. Do all of the above if you can at all afford it

[2chiquitos]

jks-
I have done very similar things as this about a year ago. And looking back on it, I looked like a crazy psycho ex! I know I did because in my much less emotional state, I would not have done any of that. I would instead say, he's crazy and walk away because this is HIS problem, not yours.

Look at OW as if she's alcohol or drugs. If you continue focusing on her then you won't focus on yourself.

Your H sounds a lot like mine. My H would bend over backwards with acts of service. So when he left I was left to care for the kids by myself. I'm kinda glad he did leave because I wouldn't have appreciated him otherwise. Before I would be burned out by 6pm now I can have my kiddos all week and not get burned out. This would've never happened before!

Also, about the whole thing with OW and in-laws. My in-laws were totally on my side from day one, they still are. BUT he is their child (their first born and favored). The only person that comes before H are the kids. So I am more aware that in-laws are scared to death that I'll take the kids away from H (and that would mean them too) so they continue to seek me out. They will manipulate me but I am so much more aware of their intentions and my expectations of them.

Fainting, oh girl, I've been there. I almost fainted in front of my MIL when I found out H proposed to OW before I discovered the affair. So you could imagine how I got. Now that he's a little less blurred he knows he was so deep in the fog he wasn't being himself.

Ok the filing. Divorce is only going to make it ugly, more ugly than it is now (if you can imagine that) because that's when the claws and fangs come out (lol) Not to say you shouldn't do it because of fear, no but you shouldn't do it because it's not going to make the pain go away. Divorce will not punish him as much as it may punish you and the kids. Remember, he's been thinking about leaving you for a while so divorce is only a stepping stone for him.

Depression, I've been there too. My son was born with many medical conditions. I left my dream job to stay home and care for him. I had a lot of depression. Between being sad about my job to being sad about my son's health. It was a never ending cycle. H was always so positive and optimistic that I fed off of him to make myself feel better. Now I look back and realize, damn! I didn't need him. I could've snapped out of it myself!

JKS, there are soooo many tools/resources out there for us. In time you will learn about them. USE THEM!

Oh n next time you get that urge to do something cuz it's eating you up inside...LET IT EAT YOU UP INSIDE because it seriously won't! Discovering more details is just going to hurt you and stalls your recovery.

YOUR GOAL IS TO RECOVER!!!!

Thinking of u!!

[jks]

Wow, Vero. Are we married to the same man? I feel a lot of comfort in your words and I know that I have fallen off track. So many times (I mean you can see it in my posts) I get to a really good place and I'm happy and fine. And those are the times that he's coming around more and showing me more interest and he knows just what to do to push my buttons so that I melt.

Then he leaves me and goes back to OW and changes his mind. This is why I feel like I just need to leave because I don't know how to end this cycle. I don't know how to stop feeling so strongly for him when he shows me interest. I always think he's being sincere because in the moment I think he really is.

It's like I'm so used to trusting him after all these years and it's hard to stop that natural habit.

What to do... what to do. I don't want to have him come back to me and tell me these things again only to continually date his girlfriend. It's awful!!