Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

However, his downfall is that he never had a serious talk with me about how all of this was affecting him. In fact, he was still showing me in little ways that he loved me and so when it all came crashing down, it was very, very confusing.

So if he'd mistreated you, or been ugly or unloving, that would have been so much better? Really?

My hope was not that he would have mistreated me, but that he would have stopped the facade and just been honest with me about how he was feeling about me. I don't know if you've ever been seriously depressed before or not, 25, but that itself is a very selfish illness. It's too hard to look outside yourself and see how your actions are affecting others when it takes all you have to just get up and take a shower everyday. I do not excuse my behavior. I have very much taken responsibility for my actions and have expressed that to H several times.

I really do appreciate your questions. As hard as it is for me to think about this today... you've brought up a lot of issues that I need to figure out. As far as the fainting... I don't necessarily see it as a moment of weakness, I just see it as my mind/body taking a toll and it couldn't take it anymore. I have never in my life ever fainted... I'm just not that kind of a person.

When I said that I have no one, I meant no one to go home to. I was on my way to my brother's house and him and his wife are so negative that I just could not fathom going there after what had happened. So when I left, I was trying figure out where I could go. So I went to my best friend's house and talked with her and her husband for the rest of the night. They have been great friends with me and my H.

You also asked me why I'm the better choice... maybe I'm not. I like who I am but if my H doesn't like who I am then maybe I'm not meant to be with him. I like our connection together when he shows me he's interested in me... like he did the night we went to the T together. I think I'm a very tenderhearted person and I have great values those of which OW does not. I'm talented and creative and bring something very different to his life. OW is exactly like him. He told me this last night. They finish each other's sentences.

And building up our family together is the biggest reason of all. This is what breaks my heart right now.

I'm not going to compete with their connection because I shouldn't have to. How in the world do I go about competing with that anyway? That is exhausting and self-defeating if you ask me.

No, it wasn't his idea to see the T. But he was very much on board when I suggested it. I know he needs someone to help him clear his head. And I'm grateful he's taking the opportunity.

This is very hard because I see two sides of him on a monthly basis it seems. I GET that he's confused. But in the mean time he's killing me!! I want to be strong and act as if this doesn't bother me. I do it and do it and do it and then I burst. He keeps giving me hope and I keep letting him in my heart and it keeps hurting me all over again. The cycle is horrible and I guess you'd think I'd learn by now. But when all you're wanting is your family back together and to stop spending every night alone... sometimes those moments of what they can give are worth it.

how long has it been going on? How long was the marriage? How long have your changes been made to counter the negatives that he perceived and that were real? When you think YOU really began DBing?

I've been working on this since Feb. But, yes, I've had major backslides along the way. I found out about his PA in March and just didn't think my H was capable of such a thing. He lied so many times to my face about it. He really shook my world and it made me want to die. I get what you're saying, though, I haven't been doing this long enough. It feels like an eternity though. We've been married for almost 9 years, but 8 when he left me.

what specifically was inappropriate? Your inlaws like you, right?

So OW came over and sat in their house. They were not making love, right?

What would you have them do, realistically?

I guess I still look at hanging out with your girlfriend (inviting her over for Sunday dinner) when you're telling your wife that you want to work on your M as inappropriate but I guess I should stop thinking that way. It's just insanely crazy to see your in-laws all cuddled up on the couch with OW having a conversation when just two months before they were balling their eyes out because they didn't want this to happen and they missed you. Really confusing.

I just need to leave. I will never be ok with this.