NG - when I get an email from him I actually have no response now until I see the subject line. If it relates to the house I get a rush of anxiety. I guess I'd been holding onto an expectation that he'd change his mind before we sold. Wrong! If it's not related to the house/D, I actually get annoyed because it's usually some kind of article that he'd send me acting like we're friends.
I picked up the "Dance of Anger" book and just started the first chapter but it looks like it's going to be another helpful one for me. I feel like I have really moved beyond M books into self books. That's good for me.
I realized today that the house is becoming kind of a metaphor for my old M. STBX wants to sell it as quickly as possible and be done with it, without any regard to putting in a little work to make it better before we let go of it. He scheduled a few realtor appointments and is treating it more as, we have 3 opinions, what more do you want? I want someone who will point out everything that we can do to get the maximum out of this without claiming that only 2 things need to be done to list it for X with a goal to sell it for Y, which is substantially less than X. I'm not a realtor, but I'm also not an idiot, and this guy sounds like an idiot for not having pointed out, e.g., the holes in the bathroom floor tile as something that should be addressed before we list it.
I believe that my 180 of not taking the reigns on this has to end for now because I will not roll over and let this house go without trying to get the most for it that we can. STBX seems fine with selling it and walking away with $0 cash in hand. That doesn't work for me and I know it's underselling what the house can be. So I'm going to have to take charge and start pointing out things that need to be done otherwise I'm not going to be happy with myself to know that I got the most out of it that I could.
Rar.
I've been thinking more about what I want to do with my future. The options are kind of daunting! I wasn't really the type to just pick up and move somewhere without knowing anyone. Am I now? I don't know. But I'm thinking about it.
i think the dance of anger will help you see some patterns within yourself that you can change. hope it helps/
i like the tone of your email - good for you and that rar needed to be RAAAAAR!!
OH btw, now that you recognize that anxiety rises within you when you see the emails about the house from your h - use that as useful info to get behind the anxiety and work through those underlying feelings.
you may find that behind all of that there is a belief within you that you can't have what you want (in this case, the house), because of h's decision and go behind that and work backwards until you find the root of your belief , and that's where the anxiety truly comes from. once you recognize it's true source - and see the deep rooted thoughts you have on this, you will be able to let go of a lot of negative things about this and relieve a lot of anxiety about it, and then be able to identify what YOU really want - not what you are being pushed into, and find a way to get that possibly.
i'm not saying that it guarantees keeping your house, but while you're exploring you may have insights that you may be surprised about
stay well and strong zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
The anxiety is partly about finances (how can I afford a place - stupid question, I can afford one; also - I don't want to come away from this with $0 because I think we can get more with a little elbow grease and I'm not so desperate to sell just to sell like H acts), partly about logistics (how am I going to find a place during a time that is not the normal apartment rental cycle here; starting over in a new place; separating out all of our stuff). Anyway, I'm going to start being more assertive with how I need things to be run during this time because doing my 180 of backing off doesn't address getting my needs met.
H has texted me a few times. I ignored them. I wrote back today about a time with a realtor that doesn't work for me (in the middle of my work day).
In better news, I had a lovely time at a family baby shower yesterday. Except for the times when people asked about H (I made the decision not to tell anyone there, didn't want to take anything away from my family member on her day) I did alright. I had a few near-tears moments when it hit me that I am nowhere near having something like that (a celebration over an upcoming baby) and am actually going in the other direction. But - the day wasn't about me. I was able to be truly happy for my family member and she loved the blanket. We were actually in happy tears a few times over it. So that was nice. Family is everything.
Trying to figure out some GAL for when H and I end up at home at the same time again. He's packed his weekends pretty full of things for himself, so that means I won't have to work quite as hard to get out of the house. I should, however, probably look back in to amending our tax return (I left something small out when I did them).
Going to try to work out tonight, too. So hard to do on vacation
Do what you want so you feel good about the sale of the house and try not to be resentful of him not seeing it the same way you do. Who knows after you talk about it he may agree with you. Have you actually said to him what you'd like to do?
I haven't said what I wanted to do because I wanted him to do the work on preparing the house to be sold. I have been out of town since he had the first realtor visit the house. He sent me a long email with the details. I didn't really respond to it other than to say the other realtor appointment times he made didn't work for me.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
i still think you have super human strength to live with him in the midst of this..
truly. i think that you have an undershirt under your clothes with some superpower logo..
could you and H come to an agreement on the finances to keep the house until the market improves a bit? either rent it out or one help the other stay there? you could make an agreement that you will stay for a year, he will pay X towards the mortgage monthly, w/ a revaluation of the finances involved in a year... that is if your realtors feel that the market might be looking up then.. or would making it a rental cover most of the mortgage? just ideas....
i know the market here is just starting to improve in some areas.. a friend recently offered the asking price on a home and got outbid by $75K. Who knows where it is all headed though??
i am thinking about you... stay strong! ((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Hi busting! and hi NG - Thanks for the ideas. H cannot afford to live elsewhere and support the house. I could but I don't want to support him to live there by himself. I am open to the idea of holding onto it for some time and renting it to see if the market improves. I think in the past I floated that idea and nixed it because I told him if we D'd I didn't want to have any ties to him left over. We'd have to see how much it could rent for. We have a good location that is desirable for a certain segment of the nearby work population but I don't know if it would cover the mortgage. I guess I could ask the realtor I'll be around for later this week what they think we could get for renting it. I do think that the price the realtor he saw last week was too low and more of a "get rid of it ASAP at any cost" type of price. I'm not in that big of a hurry. And he can't sell it without me, so...
Today I just feel like I don't want any kind of R with H going forward. I just don't feel it. I'm fine without him and I don't see us being friends going forward. I don't see it.
I'm irritated that I have to see him again this week for a few days. I am liking my life better without him in it.
Sounds to me like your detaching. Wow, is it as serene as they say it is? To be detached I mean.
Big HUG girlfriend!!
I would try to stall on the selling. H tried giving me some dumb suggestions before he left about how it would be a GREAT idea for me to sell the house, blah blah blah. I said, if I sell, I will NEVER be able to live in this neighborhood!! This is when he was DEEP DEEP in the fog.
Thank goodness he no longer feels that way. He now is the opposite. I want to rent it out and he wants me to stay. I wish he would just mind his own freakin' business!!
Hope you had a great workout!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
